News!!

I will have to write a longer post later, but for now I leave you this:

Devastation

Went in this morning for my blood draw, Tony and I did a really good job staying positive. Unfortunately, my hcg dropped to 7.  The nurse instructed me to stop my medicine. I was so convinced this time would be different, that something like this wouldn't happen three times. But, it did. We will be okay, but it will take some time.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers...believe me when I say I'm almost embarrassed to be doing this again.  Hey, we're pregnant!  Wait -- never mind. It's getting a little old. 

Tuesday's News

I know I've been silent, locked away in self-imposed isolation.  I didn't mean to leave you hanging, we simply didn't have any news.  We found out shortly after the transfer that our other two embryos did not continue to develop.  As silly as it sounds, that didn't seem like it was all that important in the grand scheme of things.  I mean we transferred 3 embryos -- three chances to create a life. 

Last Saturday I started experiencing horrific cramps, a very severe headache, and some light spotting.  I'm happy to report the headache is gone, though the other two symptoms come and go.  I've been doing my best to take it easy, hoping against hope that what I experienced was implantation bleeding. Called the nurse yesterday, and she said we'd just have to wait and see with our blood test today.  I went in about 6:10 this morning.  At 7:30, the doctor himself called to tell me I'm pregnant!  HcG is 45.8.  I go back for a repeat blood test in two days time. As always, thank you for your love and support, your prayers and positivity!   We are elated, and doing our best to stay positive -- we have traveled this road before and are hoping and praying that the outcome of this pregnancy is different than the last two.  

Decisions, Decisions

AHHHHH.  Sorry, just had to get that out.  Things went really well today, but it was a little bit of a nerve wracking process making all the decision on how many embryos to transfer today.  

So, here's the scoop.  We had 5 embryos.  Three were grade A, but one of those was actually like an A++ because it was a little bit ahead of the others (9 cells vs the others' 8 cells), one B+ and one B-.  I have NO idea what the embryos with the B grade looked like, as they didn't show them to me.  I only know that they were growing more slowly than the other three.  We ended up taking the doctor's recommendation and transferring our three best quality embryos.  We feel really, really good about this decision.  Of course none of us can see the future, but it was clear that the doctor was not very concerned about all three of them implanting, especially with our history.  Now, this could come back to bite me, I realize that!

The clinic put us in the same room that we used for the egg retrieval, which is unusual.  We are usually next door for transfers -- the nurse just said they wanted to change things up.  As scientific as the doctors sometimes seem, I am picking up on the fact that superstitions also play a role as far as routines and things.  I've heard many times from the nurses "well, sometimes the doctors just like to change things up, just in case it makes a difference."  We're praying it does make a difference and were totally fine with the change in rooms!

We did NOT do assisted hatching.  Tony and I were completely prepared to take that route, but the doctor we were working with today said he didn't recommend it.  He felt that there wasn't enough evidence to support that it would make any difference, and he was hesitant to manipulate the embryos any more than completely necessary.  So, we took his advice.

I'm doing well, feeling good, and Tony and I are taking it easy.  Positivity is key.  I read on another blog about the acronym PUPO and I've decided to adopt it.  I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise! :)

Our big blood test date is June 16, 12 looooooong days away.  It's also the day before our fourth wedding anniversary.  Doing our best to stay completely positive.  Oddly, I received a notification today from Timehop that two years ago we did a transfer, and the photo showed up with it.  That. Was. Weird.  And, I distinctly remember that for our first pregnancy we tested for the first time on our wedding anniversary.  Changing it up a little and going the day before -- I'm totally okay with that!

Nerves

Good morning!  Today is the day!  Tony and I have been a bundle of nerves since yesterday when I last spoke to a nurse.  She called in response to a message I'd sent the doctor regarding the difference between a day 3 and a day 5 transfer -- I was worried there was something wrong.  Turns out, he is just of the school of thought that in our case the best environment for our embryos is their natural environment, so he wants them back in there asap.

She also mentioned that the doctor said he was willing to put in up to three (3!) embryos.  That threw both Tony and I for a loop.   Believe me when I tell you there has been MUCH discussion.  Tony tends to think of the worst-case scenario and run with it.  I tend to err more on the cautious 'all three will never stick' side.  We have NO idea the quality of the embryos, we will find that out when we go in today...leaving in about a half an hour (eek!).  I'll let you know what we decided once we meet with the doctor and weigh in his opinion.  We have our minds made up currently, but I'd hate to go back and forth for you, so I'll wait to share that tidbit until it's all said and done.

Finally, she told me they will be doing assisted hatching with the embryos.  A laser will just nick the outside of the membrane to allow the embryo itself to come out and attach to the uterine lining a little easier.  I was assured this is a safe process that is very accurate.  Here's to hoping it helps!

Ta ta for now! :)

We Received the Call

A nurse from the doctor's office called a little while ago to let us know that of the eleven eggs we had, eight were mature. Of those eight, five fertilized.  So, we have five little embryos growing in the lab.  We are currently scheduled for an embryo transfer on Thursday, which will be a day 3 transfer. If the embryos continue to grow and appear to be doing well, there is a chance that they will push the transfer to Saturday morning for a day 5 transfer.  I will update if/when I receive more information, but at this time it looks like we'll be going in at 11:00 Thursday morning.  Thank you for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers!  Not to rush things, but I'm pretty excited for the transfer to get here, regardless of what day it takes place on!  

And it begins...

My procedure went well this morning, I was semi-awake the whole time.  I remember that I talked and talked and talked...but I have no recollection of what I was talking about. It's probably better that way!  Haha. 

We ended up harvesting eleven eggs.  We should know tomorrow how many of those were mature and how many fertilize.  Praying fervently that the one we need is one of them!

This retrieval "hit" me a little differently than past ones.  I recovered more quickly and was sent home earlier -- but I've been in a little more pain than I remember, too. As long as I'm seated or lying down and don't make any quick movements I do alright.  It's the standing up and walking that hurts the most. I'm only taking Tylenol for the pain, and as we inch towards 9pm I can tell its wearing off because even lying down with a heating pad on my abdomen, I am hurting. 

I will update as soon as we have news. Thank you to each and every one of you for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers!

Magic Monday

Tomorrow is the day of our egg retrieval.  I must say, this cycle has flown by and hasn't been as trying as some of the others.   Another good sign, I suppose!  I only had to have blood drawn once -- and in remembering our other cycles I am positive that it happened more often during those.  I'll take small wins where I can!  I last saw the doctor yesterday morning, and he indicated that we'd likely get nine good eggs from this cycle (according to what the ultrasound showed).  At the previous appointment we met with a different doctor, and he'd counted 13 follicles, though some were quite small.

I took my last injections yesterday, and go in tomorrow at 8 a.m.  The egg retrieval itself is at 8:45.  I will be partially sedated, and the procedure shouldn't take long.  After that it will be a waiting game until Tuesday when they call to tell us how many mature eggs we have and how many fertilize.

I continue to feel a buzzing excitement about what is to come.  Yesterday I tried to explain it to Tony by telling him my whole body was zinging with anticipation.  Not quite sure that does it justice, but it's the best I could (and can) come up with!

I will say that I'm a little uncomfortable.  I feel bloated and my abdomen is crowded -- both things I consider to be good things!  I've had a low backache for a couple of days now, probably related to the fact that there are a substantial number of eggs growing and not a lot of space for them to do so.  The largest we saw on the ultrasound was 23mm, which is the biggest I've ever had that early, and the others were not far behind.  Usually, I give myself shots of medication until day 15 and we considered ourselves lucky if we got a 20mm egg.   This time, I stopped my shots on day 11 and we have substantially larger eggs.  The medications are all the same as I've used previously, so that's not the difference.  I'm really happy that my body has responded better to the stimulation and hope this is yet another sign indicating that something good is about to happen!

Look for an update from me on Tuesday at the latest -- depending on how I'm feeling and what information we learn tomorrow after the egg retrieval, I may try to update yet tomorrow :)

Let's see what happens...

We went back for a doctor visit this morning at 7:15.  I was bummed because I couldn't find a subbing job that started after 7:30 a.m., and had resigned myself to the fact that I would not be earning money today.  I won't lie and say I wasn't a little excited about the fact that I might sneak in a nap or two today!  Turns out, we got out of the doctor at about 7:30 and I found a sub job starting at 8:10.  I ran home and changed, and made it just in time for the school day to begin.

Our appointment was very quick.  The doctor measured the follicles, I have no idea how many there are at this point.  On Sunday I thought there were 11 or 12.  Today, I think he measured 9.  For sure the doctor we saw on Sunday measured more follicles.  He will be the same doctor we'll be seeing on Thursday when we go back, so hopefully we can get a more accurate count then.  I think the largest follicle today was about 14mm.  Doesn't sound too big, but when you have 9 (or 11 or 12) growing at the same time it gets a little bit uncomfortable.  I'm not sure I can explain the feeling.  It's crowded, you feel bloated, and crampy.  But not a kind of crampy that is similar to any other I've experienced.  Sometimes it becomes uncomfortable if you twist to one side or another, at other times it hurts when you bend over to retrieve something from the ground.  There are even times that it hurts to lie in bed.  I'm not complaining -- in fact, all these things make me even more excited.  I don't know why I equate my being uncomfortable with our having success, but I do.  So, I'll take all the uncomfortable I can if it means that we end up with the baby we've been longing for.

 According to the doctor we saw today, the egg retrieval will most likely take place this Saturday or Sunday.  I'm kind of amazed -- the time seems to have flown by.  It's not that I'm not ready -- of course I am, it just took me by surprise.  I will not be the least bit surprised if Saturday or Sunday comes and we continue the medication a little bit longer.  I say this because that's what has happened in the past.  The doctor predicts that the follicles will have grown enough to indicated mature eggs, and then when the time comes, we wait a little longer for better results.  Some of you know how I get with planning.  Sometimes it takes over and I want things to be "just so."  As I've learned over the past three and a half years, when it comes to our IVF, no amount of planning can predict anything.  So for once I'm just rolling with the punches.  I'll keep trying to sub every day that I can and we'll go on from there.  I won't sub if I happen to have the procedure on a school day, and may not even go in the following day depending on how I feel.  It varies from one procedure to the next, but I'm usually fairly groggy and sore for 24-48 hours.    

We'll see if I come up with anything to post in the meantime -- otherwise, you'll be hearing from me after our Thursday (6:45 a.m.!!) appointment!

Liebster Award

I finally took the time to look around at some of the blogs that I follow, and was shocked to receive a nomination (from three months ago!) from my good friend and author, +Megan Karabon.  She blogs about good deals, necessities for kids, and also shares sweet stories about her daughter.  You can find her Daily Dose of Lily here.  Thank you, +Megan Karabon, for the nomination!

I'll be honest with you, I had to google the Liebster Award.  I had no idea what it was save for Megan's description on her page.  I found a good description of the aware here.  I feel like such a slowpoke that it took me so long to even realize I was nominated.  The Liebster Award is supposed to help draw attention to smaller blogs so others become aware of them.  From what I gather, I'm supposed to nominate another small blog and pay it forward by mentioning it here.  Good thing I have some time today -- as much as I enjoy reading blogs, I tend to read blogs that many people follow...and there's really only a couple I read routinely, and those have quite a few followers.  My cousin +Monica Conway does have a blog that I love to read.  She is one of the most creative people I know, and I enjoy her writing as much as her art.  Hopefully she sees this soon and will accept the nomination for her blog, which you can find here.

Now, in order to accept my nomination I'm supposed to answer these 11 questions, I think.

1. How did you decide on the title of your blog? 

I was flitting back and forth with the idea of even writing a blog, but talked it over with +Megan Karabon and decided to just go for it.  The title of our blogspot came quite easily to me:  Being the Bartletts seemed to fit Tony's and my daily life pretty well.  It took a little longer to come up with "the perfect pear," and I have to give credit, again, to Megan on that one.  I loved the way it plays with the meaning of the words pair/pear in that it reflects Tony's and my relationship as well as our quest to make a little person of our own.

2. What is one word that sums up the heart of your blog and why?
Faith.   It is not always an easy task to keep pushing forward in order to reach a goal.  There are days when I know I could have given up, but my faith would not let me.  

3. What are your favorite pastimes other than blogging?
I enjoy reading and photography, but I don't do much of either when I'm in 'student mode.'  Since school got out I've been able to read a fair amount -- I'm really into the 'Outlander' Series by Diana Gabaldon.  It was recommended to me by my cousin, Paula, and I cannot seem to put the books down.  I recently discovered there is also a television series based on the first book on Starz.  So, my pastime of reading may soon turn into one of watching t.v.!

4. What is your favorite aspect of blogging?
I love how free I feel when I get done with a blog post.  It's like I take all the things that are swirling around in my brain and get them out and organized, which helps organize my thoughts.  Between this and the support I feel from people who read my blog, it's a close tie.  I really enjoy that people actually like hearing about the things we experience and are so generous with their support.

5. Which project, recipe or idea on my blog would you most like to try yourself?

I want to have a little one of my own so I can put all your lists and suggestions to good use!

6. Where does your blog inspiration come from?
I wanted to document every piece of our journey in our quest to have a child, even those that may be painful.  Some of my favorite blog posts were some of the hardest experiences I've ever dealt with, but I hope that the fact that I have the faith and strength to move forward will be rewarded in the end.

7. What is one country in the world you would like to visit? Why?
I have traveled many places, and cannot think of a new place I would like to visit, but I would like to take Tony to Ireland and to New Zealand -- two places I would definitely not mind visiting again!


8. If you have children, what are there names? If not, what are your favorite girl and boy names?
Tony and I go back and forth on names and our most recent conclusion is that we'll wait and see.  For a long time our favorites have been Charlotte and Jackson, so don't be surprised if one of those shows up in the future with Bartlett after it!

9. A long-lost relative leaves you a large sum of money. What do you do with it?
The first thing I would do is make sure that we are out debt.  As hard as I've worked to achieve this goal, the more medical procedures that we go through, the more bills we acquire.   Second thing I would do is purchase a home with Tony -- somewhere.  Haha.  I'm not sure if I could convince him to move where I'd like to move, but it would probably still be in Wisconsin at least!  Third, I would put money in savings.

10. In your opinion, what is the best blog post you’ve written so far? (Include the link!)

This was a tough decision, and I didn't have time to re-read every post.  I finally decided on this one, The Day After.

11. Where do you see yourself in five years time?In five years time I hope to be starting my career as a nurse practitioner, continuing to build a life with my husband, and hopefully being parents!

Signs

 I am pleased to report that I survived my first semester in nursing school, and couldn't be more certain that this is the path I'm meant to follow.  I've met some wonderful people in my program and am really excited about the journey we will take over the next three semesters.  Yes, you read that correctly, I will be finished in three semesters.  I've often heard it said that once you take the first step towards going for your dreams, time flies.  I have to acknowledge that this is true.  I don't think I would have made it this far without my family's unending support -- especially my mom and my husband for putting up with my anxiety and my nerdy self on a weekly basis!

I finished my last final on May 15, and Tony and I went up to Crandon, WI for a short weekend getaway in order to celebrate the end of my semester.  We had the opportunity, while there, to get in some really quality time with family, and even got to visit with some of our favorite people from Georgia.  Truly a time well spent!
While we were gone I was anxiously awaiting a cycle start, as that would be the signal that I could call the doc and get this show on the road.  Out of all the times we've been through this, I have to say I'm most excited about this time.  Dangerous, I know.  But, things have been happening all around me that seem to say "This is it!  THIS is the time you've been waiting for!"  Beat with me as I share some of the 'signs' that have crossed my path in recent weeks.  Perhaps I'm blowing them out of proportion, though I'd rather like to think they are exactly what they seem -- small coincidences that let me know our little on is on it's way.

The first instance took me a little off guard, I was completing my clinical visit at an elementary school doing vision screenings for the students.  A boy and a girl came over to the station I was working at with a fellow classmate.  At the same time we asked "What is your name?"  Just as the girl said "Charlotte," the boy said "Jackson."  These have been two names at the top of our list for quite some time.  I experienced a little spark of joy and filed it away as something strange, albeit exciting to think about the possibility that it was a sign of something yet to come.
About a week later I was at my weekly acupuncture appointment, lying on my back on the table with all the little needles placed exactly where they should be to do their jobs.  As usual, I was sound asleep (and most likely snoring, I'm embarrassed to admit).  Suddenly, I awoke with a jolt.  There is a skylight above the table, and although I cannot see the sky while I'm lying there, I can see the light from the sun.  My belly was filled with warmth, and I had this determined feeling that this time the IVF would work.  I was overcome with emotion, and realized that tears were streaming down my face.  It was one of the strangest things I've experienced to date.  There were no sounds to indicate that something had happened to awaken me, just a bright sunshiny light filtering through the window above me.

As you know from my last post, we were having difficulty procuring the funds to make sure we could move forward.  My little Mary Kay "sale" did not go as well as planned, but God provided in other ways.  I am happy to report that, seemingly out of nowhere, we got exactly what we needed to proceed.

Finally, while up North last weekend Tony and I went out to eat with my cousins.  Normally we'd just eat in town, but someone suggested making a trip to Rhinelander for Chinese food at a restaurant that is a particular favorite for my cousins from Georgia.  Off we went.  At the end of the meal, we all selected our fortune cookies.  My mouth hung open in surprise as I read mine and frantically showed it around the table.  Here is what it said:

Whatever the reasoning behind all this -- I'll take it.  I don't consider myself a very superstitious person, but I do have a strong sense of faith.  I go forward believing with all my heart that now is our time.

I started my medication on Tuesday, May 19.  So far it's only two shots a day both at night.  We went in for an ultrasound and met with the doctor on Friday, and things appear to be progressing well.  We currently had 5 larger follicles that he measured.  I'm hoping to see more show up tomorrow when we go in for another checkup.  They did a blood test to check my estrogen levels, and those weren't as high as the doctor wanted to see so he increased the dose on one of my medications and delayed adding in the third medication.  Tomorrow the doctor will let me know how to proceed.  I was able to order refills on all the medications I need, which helped to put an anxious mind at ease.  I was worried with the holiday weekend that I might not be able to get what I needed here in a time frame that I'd be comfortable with, but again God was looking out for me.  I called yesterday morning and the lady informed me my medications would be on my doorstep today, and they were.  Things just keep falling into place and I couldn't be happier about it!

That's all for now -- since I finished school I've been doing a little subbing for Milwaukee Public Schools.  I was able to spend one day with 4 year old kindergartners (exhausting!!) and the next two with middle schoolers (now I know why I spent 12 years of my life teaching high schoolers -- they are much less unpredictable).  I will do my best to update again soon as we continue this journey :)  As always, I thank you all for coming along on this 'wild and crazy' ride.  We know we have a lot of people out there rooting for us, and words don't do justice to express the appreciation we feel.   Knowing that all the same, THANK YOU! 

Silence Isn't Always Golden

I've been away too long.  Again.  Luckily, the school year is winding down and I hope to have more time to write once I'm done with finals (May 15).

We have postponed our IVF cycle for several reasons, but all of them boil down to the same thing.  Money.  We have almost enough saved to cover the doctor's required payment before we begin.  We are not even close to having what we need to purchase donor sperm.  And, there was a glitch with my insurance and the pharmacy was going to charge me $2700 for three Gonal-F pens.  These are pens that stimulate growth in the ovaries.  Important, but by waiting a few weeks I was able to save a ton of money -- now we should only have to pay our co-pay of $25.  In addition to those monetary issues, I also took into consideration the fact that it would probably be best to start the process after my final exams.  So, without any unforeseen disasters, I will be taking my last prep cycle pill May 13.  Within a few days I should be able to go in for my baseline ultrasound, and then we'll be able to start the injections and get this show on the road!

Unfortunately due to timing, we're going to have a miss a family wedding in Iowa, boo!  We'll be there in spirit!

Now, I'm about to do something that makes me uncomfortable because I've never done anything like this on my blog before...so bear with me.  Or, stop reading if it makes you uncomfortable too!  I won't be offended!

I've recently completed a 21-day Mary Kay skincare challenge because I am hoping to give my business a little bump to help us reach our monetary goals for this IVF cycle.  I'm going to post the photos here, and if any of you are willing/able to purchase something to help support us, we would be grateful!  The bonus for you is that Mary Kay has a 100% money back guarantee, so you're guaranteed to love what you buy or you get your money back!

The skincare I used for 21 days was the Timewise Repair set.  It was super easy, four steps for day and night.
1.  Wash face with cleanser
2.  Put on Day or Night Moisturizer
3.  Put on Firming Serum (I love this stuff -- no more crows feet for me!)
4.  Put on eye cream

I'd say in total, it  maybe takes 3 minutes.  And, my skin is so soft and smooth since I've started.  Even better news is that although it's a little pricy, it lasts a LONG time.  I've been using it about a month now, and I still have a lot left, because a little goes a long way especially with the cleanser (I bet I have 3/4 of the bottle left still).

To purchase the Timewise Repair set, the cost is $200, plus tax.  You can also purchase parts separately.  We also have the Timewise Collection, The Botanical Effects collection, and also the Clear Proof Acne OntheGO collection.  We also have Men's products.  Tony's next in line for a 21 day challenge, haha.  Even if skincare isn't your thing, I encourage you to take a look at the products and see if there's anything you might be interested in.  I've been really pleased with the makeup, too!  Some of our top sellers are the eye makeup remover ($15), the microderm abrasion set ($50), and the I <3 Lash Mascara (simply amazing -- I wore it at my wedding, cried a TON and it never ran.  It's not even waterproof).

Okay, so here's the photo -- and I sincerely apologize for blatantly advertising this way.  Being in school and without a job, this is my only income-earning potential at this point.  If you are interested in purchasing something, shoot me an e-mail at rkconway@uwalumni.com or send me a Facebook message.  I accept cash, personal checks, and can also use paypal if needed.  

P.S.  I'm hoping MPS will call with my sub approval any day now -- that might save us all in the future! :)

Spring!

I know this was promised more than a week ago.  Somehow my entire spring break slipped by without my writing a post. With our recent change of season, I have a renewed fervor to keep up with my blog.  I miss writing!  Unfortunately, sleep tends to win when I'm struggling to decide whether to write or catch up on sleep.  

So, as much as I know you're curious to hear all about nursing school, I will skip that for now to tell you a little about what we have planned baby-wise for this spring. 

I recently called the doctor to let him know I was ready to get things in order to proceed with our next fresh IVF cycle. Turns out there were a few things I needed to do before we could forge full-speed ahead.  First, I had to go in for a hysterosonogram.  I went in last Friday, a little nervous, but ready to get the show on the road. I had instructions to take some ibuprofen or Tylenol prior to my appointment. A hysterosonogram is a test that looks at the uterus and checks for polyps or any physical abnormalities inside the uterus and with the uterine lining. I'll spare you the details, suffice it to say all results were normal. 

Next up is a routine gynecological exam, scheduled for Monday.  Sometime within the next month or two, Tony and I will also each have to go to the lab for an HIV test.  They are very strict about us having one every year.  I appreciate that they are diligent, but I also think it's a little silly when two people are in a monogamous relationship and have no other risky behaviors that would put us at higher risk for that disease. 

I am currently taking birth control, because when the active pills are done the change in hormones will trigger a period.  The plan is for me to get all these tests done this month.  After my next cycle start, I will be in what they call a prep cycle. I will continue taking birth control while my medications get ordered and we get all set to start the fresh cycle. I am anticipating that our cycle will start sometime in May.  It will consist of approximately two weeks of medication injections, followed by an embryo transfer.  Depending on the results of our cycle, we are debating whether we will be transferring one or two embryos. Our initial (optimistic) thought was that we would transfer two, one fresh and one of our frozen embryos.

Along with all the excitement also comes stress.  The clinic has changed their policy and wants us to pay our entire out-of-pocket maximum prior to beginning IVF.  This means we need to come up with $3250 before May.  Yikes.  We have some of it, thanks to family help, but are still working to gather the rest.  I have faith that we can do this, it was just very unexpected. I have seen other providers since 2015 began, so I know we will be receiving a partial refund because some of that out-of-pocket max will already be used.  Apparently the clinic is doing this to ensure that patients pay their portion prior to the procedure. I understand, but it's annoying all the same.  

On a side note, I quit my job at the grocery store a few weeks ago.  The decision was based on principle. I felt I was unfairly blamed for something, management disagreed. Basically, a woman went through my line and grabbed her groceries and left before the transaction was finished. She'd swiped her credit card, but somehow the transaction canceled itself and she was already out the door.  They took the amount out of my drawer and it would be recorded in my file that my drawer was short that amount ($46.12).  I spoke to management about the fact that I disagreed with the way things were handled.  Ultimately it made no difference. So, I am in the process of looking for another job...this time in the health care field. There is one I'm looking at that would be taking care of an 88 year-old man in his home. I'm excited about the prospect. 

Alright, my next class is starting, so I'm signing off for now!  I will write again soon -- promise!

Frustrations

Tonight I'm using my area of cyberspace to vent a little bit.  As most of you know, Tony and I are on a pretty tight budget these days.  We pay as many bills as we can by prioritizing in order of most importance what gets done when.  Most of the time we are struggling, but okay.  Thankfully we have a very supportive family who help us out when times are dire.  Tonight, though, I'm angry about the situations we're facing.  I'm angry for us, but also for all the people out there who I know are worse off than we are.  Let me explain.

In my current nursing classes we are learning a lot about the disparities that exist in health care in the United States.  It's a fact that there are disparities in health care for ethnic minorities and people of lower socioeconomic status.  I'm not used to being in the latter category, but I know now that we are. So, of course as I'm surrounded by this information five days a week and almost 8 hours a day, I am hyper-aware of the statistics that go with this label.  Tonight I went to pick up some of Tony's medication for bipolar disorder.  For those of you that don't know, Tony is currently on Medicare.  The choice for him to have Medicare as his insurance was a contributing factor as to why I was able to resign from teaching and go back to school part-time.  With the attention that his medical condition requires, there was zero possibility of him going without insurance.  The Affordable Care Act was in the very early stages when we made this decision, and all the information I found indicated that his premium would be relatively high in order to get the coverage he needs with his condition.  Now I'm rambling.  Back to my trip to Walgreens this evening.  When I pulled up to the drive-thru window, I knew that one of his medications was going to be on the high side...it's a non-generic, new prescription specifically for bipolar disorder.  Some of you may have heard of it -- it's called Latuda.  It's working really well for Tony and we were previously aware of the cost, so it doesn't "hurt" as much when we pick that up and have to pay a little bit extra.  For two medications, with the insurance coverage, it was $110.  While I was there I requested that two other medications be filled.  When I picked these two medications up at the end of December, the cost was $25 for both of them.  Today when I went to get them, I was told I needed to pay another $110!  I was speechless, but didn't really have any choice since he was out of the most expensive ($101).  When I got home I called the insurance company, which is provided by United Healthcare as a part of Medicare Part D.  I was told that in addition to the new $240/year deductible (oh, did I forget to mention that?  We met that the first week in January), several medications have been moved to new tiers and therefore cost more.

I probably don't need to tell you that in the five minutes it took me to drive the six blocks home I was livid.  How are people on fixed incomes supposed to survive if they have any type of medical condition that requires medication?!?  In the end, we were able to apply for financial assistance with Medicare and medication assistance, both through a patient advocate.  Our application will be given to the state and the State of Wisconsin will make the final decision as to whether or not we qualify.  It is a very humbling experience to have to ask for help.  I know this is not permanent.  I know that when I finish school we will have more resources available to ensure that Tony gets the medications that he needs.  That eases the feeling of unease a little bit, but not much.  He is still without his two inhalers, currently, because the company upped the cost to $45 a piece.  We are waiting to get one of them in a generic version, but in order to do that our doctor had to receive prior authorization from the insurance company.  As if providing a potentially life-saving medication should be delayed because the insurance company would rather make money and have the patient get the higher priced medication.  I could go on and on, but I've already said enough.

Please don't mistake this for me asking for help from any of you.  I'm not.  I just needed to get this off my chest, because it's been eating at me for the last three and a half hours, and I feel powerless to do anything besides what I've already done.  Thankfully, the proper steps have been taken and there may be a light at the end of this tunnel that's closer than December 2016 when I graduate with my Nursing degree.  I should mention that all of these changes just took effect 1/1/15, which is why this is all so new to us.  I probably don't need to mention that of course this has an impact on our fertility treatment plans, considering that we have to be able to support ourselves and a child when the time comes.  And here's where I sign off to do my reading for school, and spend some time relaxing.  Believe me my plans include a little bit of prayer -- I truly believe that is where I will find the most solace tonight.  Thanks for listening, I already feel a little bit better!  I'll leave you with this: even when you're uncomfortable, or don't like that you need help...ask for it anyway.  You'll sometimes be surprised by the responses you get.  And always be true to you.

Officially a nursing student

I am here, I'm alive.  Somehow my winter break completely got away from me.  Just when I was getting into the swing of things by working, relaxing, and winding up family celebrations for the holidays I had to go back to school!  Classes started Monday and, although I'm totally overwhelmed at this point, they're going well.  After Monday, I reduced my hours at work because it was very clear that my focus needs to be on learning, being prepared each day, and getting enough sleep.  This week I will be finishing up the "old" hours I was scheduled for -- but this means I haven't been in bed much before 1 a.m. yet this week.  Today is no exception, as it is 1:14 a.m. as I type this.  Thank goodness I don't have to be in class until 1:00 p.m. today.  I am currently taking 16 credits, all nursing classes.  My lectures include all of the 105 students who were accepted into the program, and our labs and discussions are broken down into smaller groups.  Today was my first clinical practice, and I got to wear my new uniform scrubs (woo hoo!).  

I began 2015 doing a healthy eating challenge, and it went really well.  I lost 4 lbs the first week, and another 2 the following week.  Unfortunately, I hurt my back moving cases of beer at work so the third week involved no exercise.  I tried my hardest to maintain healthy eating habits -- but will be the first to admit that I cheated some.  I've come to the conclusion that when I'm not prepared, and when I'm overly tired I don't eat as well as I should.  My choices are still influenced by everything I've learned, so I am confident that I'm making healthier choices overall.  

Tony and I have begun to discuss the "when" with regards to our next in vitro fertilization cycle.  I am more comfortable going forward with a fresh cycle (in which I give myself shots and we get new embryos) only because that's where we've seen the best success in achieving pregnancy.  It is my hope that we will be able to use one fresh and one frozen embryo this next cycle, under the pretense that it may increase our chances of finally getting to hold one of our babies!  I promise to try to do a better job keeping you posted.  I think some of my absence was related to the fact that I just didn't have much news to share.  Things are now on the move with school, and as I get closer to my goal of losing 25lbs there should be more to tell you!

Before I go, I have to give a shout-out to my family for their never-ending support as I continue on this journey.  My mom has been amazing at helping me get a study all set up so that I have a place to do my schoolwork in an environment that is conducive to concentration.  She spoils me -- both with things as well as her constant love, support, and commitment to helping me succeed.  Tony has been incredible about doing his own thing while I hole myself up in my room to study.  To everyone who cheers me on, whether I've gotten the chance to tell you or not, I so appreciate your confidence in me and your support!

For now, I'm off to hit the hay.  I leave you with the photo I posted above -- I find it to be such a good reminder in my life right now.  Nothing is ever too great a challenge, and I am really working to maintain my solid relationship with God.  Through Him I can do all things, even make it through the first week of nursing school! :)