If only we were chickens...

As we recover from the blow dealt to us on Saturday regarding the lack of fertilization I find myself enraged.  Disappointed.  Sad.  Wondering where to go next.  What options do we have?  Trying to come to grips with uncertainty.

I finally was able to speak to my "main" reproductive endocrinologist yesterday.  He was patient with me, but I don't feel like I got all my questions answered.  Makes sense, I guess, since I only have about a million questions...and they change from one minute to the next.  The bottom line remains that the clinic is concerned with the quality of eggs being produced.  Their "best case scenario" recommendation is to look into using an egg donor.  Boom (that was my entire world thundering to the ground)!

Prior to talking with the doctor, Tony and I pretty much knew that, for us, an egg donor would have to be the very last resort.  I know from looking on Froedtert's website that an egg donor is paid $4500 for a round.  From what I understand these women (angels) go through the same thing a woman doing IVF goes through in order to stimulate her ovaries.  I think that they receive the same amount regardless of the number of eggs collected.  On a whim I asked the doctor how much we'd be looking at if we were to consider using an egg donor.  Make sure you're sitting down.  He began with "Well, on the low end, if you choose an egg that we've got frozen in the lab you're looking at about $16,000."   That's right, you didn't read that incorrectly.  And that was the low end.  The high end, where you choose a specific donor and use a fresh egg (I think), runs about $36,000.  I'll be up front with all of you and let you know right away there's no way we're able to afford anything like that.  Honestly, I don't think we ever will be able to afford anything in that price range.  Yikes.  I asked him if there was any offset to the cost if we had insurance; he had no answer for me.

I realize that medications, doctor's time and many other factors play into the cost I was quoted.  It just doesn't seem right to me that the women going through all of that trouble and then giving the ultimate gift are paid less than 1/4 for the trouble and time.  Not to mention that those who find themselves in a heartbreaking situation have to come face-to-face with the realization that if you're not wealthy this may not even be a viable option for you.

Okay, end rant.  I need to finish this post with some positivity.  A wise person advised me yesterday that I need to remember that it's "mind over matter."  I will believe our baby into being.  I thank you all in advance for your positive thoughts and prayers.  I know with every fiber of my being that I will be a mother someday.  As another, very wise, woman (+Lea Javenkoski) reminded me "God often sneaks his miracles in the back door, while you are standing crying at the front door."

And that is how I'll leave this post.  Please remember that whatever you are facing, there is a bigger Someone out there who has a plan.  It is our job to have faith, and trust that whatever that plan includes will be what is best for us.  So, even though we're not chickens and the eggs we're looking for aren't $2.68 a dozen, I believe that our prayers will be answered.  I have to.  For without faith where would I be?