Preparations

My Winter Break has started -- finally!  I'm excited for tomorrow, as my plan for the day is to work exclusively on getting my holiday baking done.  I have a few recipes picked out, but am always open to suggestions.  So far, the list includes peanut butter blossoms, cut-out cookies, Mexican wedding cookies, maple shortbread cookies, butter cookies, and chocolate crinkle cookies.  I realize I'm being optimistic in thinking I'll get it all done.  Even as I typed the list I see that this might be a daunting task.  I will give it my best shot.  And, as I said I am definitely open for suggestions to add to my list.  These aren't only for my family, I'm planning on taking a few with me for gifts as we travel this holiday season.

It occurred to me that when I started this blog, my main focus was fertility.  I realized recently that I haven't shared any updates about that part of our journey.  The main reason hasn't been to exclude anyone.  The plain and simple fact is there isn't any news.  I believe I mentioned before that we were told we have to wait until at least January to proceed with any IVF cycles.  After talking about it with Tony, it looks like we've decided to wait a little longer than that.  I really want to give a lot of the things that I've been working at a chance to work before we go forward with what may be our last cycle.  We've been told that to maximize the effect of the acupuncture, Chinese herbs, non-dairy diet (more on that little gem later), and yoga that we need to give ourselves at least 90 days to see results.  Some of these things I will have been doing longer than 90 days come February, I wanted to give them all the chance to work together for 90 days.

As for living dairy-free...that is becoming more and more of a challenge, especially with the holidays quickly approaching.  It's amazing how quickly dairy can creep back into your life.  I slip up once and think "it's okay, I will be back on track at the next meal."  Then when the next meal arrives, I end up telling myself "eh, you messed up earlier just go back to it tomorrow."  It's a wicked, wicked cycle.  I do have to say that for the most part in my day-to-day life I've been doing well at staying away from dairy products.   As for the next two weeks I'm going to do my best to be moderate.  I know that it would be unrealistic to think that I'll make it through Christmas and New Year's without consuming dairy.  And you know what?  That's okay.

Part of what Tony and I have been relishing about our decision to wait until February is how much stress it's taken off of us.  Stress we didn't even realize we were carrying.  It's so nice to just live our life together, enjoy being together and not worry about what step is coming next in planning this cycle or that cycle.  And, who knows - maybe this is the key to our success?  Only time will tell.  Either way, we're definitely feeling like we're living healthier and we're loving it!

Did you miss me?

Hey, you!  Over here!  You probably can't see me too well, but here I am tucked into bed with the covers up to my chin.  It's 9:00 p.m. on a Thursday night.  I haven't been home this early on a Thursday (unless you count Thanksgiving, but we won't) since mid-September.  You may have noticed I've been a little lackadaisical with my blog over the last couple of weeks.  I swear, it feels like days - but I know it's been longer.  This is because I've been busy.  Busy celebrating Christmas with my dad's side of the family, busy trying to finish up my Christmas shopping before Christmas gets here, busy finding the motivation to teach meaningful lessons the whole week before Winter Break, and busy wrapping up the semester-long courses I've been taking.

I finished my Psychology class last Sunday.  Tonight marked the end of my first semester in Anatomy & Physiology.  I'm happy to report that I finished with strong effort, and although I may not be getting the grade I was hoping to achieve, I'm darn close.  And, I'm proud of what I earned.  Sometimes I can be too hard on myself - I'm working on this (and have been for awhile).  In the end, the grade is what it is, and I am done with the course.  I learned a tremendous amount about anatomy as well as physiology.  More importantly, I learned some valuable lessons about myself and my capabilities.  Long ago, after my first semester in college, I stopped taking Science classes because of the previously alluded to "high standards" that I set for myself.  I'd decided that I wasn't "good" at Science.  This semester has proven to me that I do just fine when I put my mind to it.  What it made even more evident was that I now know a lot more about studying and my own learning style than I did at eighteen.  Who knew?

Now it's time to get back on track.  Time to buckle down and come up with some "new" material for this here blog.  And, time to hop back on my fertility yoga bandwagon.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I'm almost ashamed to admit that I took a fairly long break from practicing yoga.  It started out completely innocently, really.  We traveled up North to Crandon, WI to celebrate Christmas with my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and their children.  While there, we were given the treat of caring for my cousin's little one, Jayden, overnight.  Jayden is five months old, and just a sweetie.  We so love our time with her, and really appreciate her mother trusting us enough to take her for the night :).   Anyhow...Jayden had a difficult time going to sleep - she fought it every step of the way.  When I finally sung her to sleep (she probably just decided it was better to give up and welcome sleep as opposed to continue listening to what I call singing), I realized that I probably should stay close by in case she woke up and needed me.  I realize now that this is silly, I certainly didn't need to stay in the very same room she was sleeping in, but I did.  I didn't want to turn on my yoga video and risk waking her up.  So, instead, I completed my yoga routine as best I could by memory.  It's normally a 32-minute routine.  I got done in 22 minutes.  Clearly I forgot some things or didn't hold certain poses long enough.  But, I did it.  Then came Saturday night.

We spent Saturday morning feeding and playing with Jayden.  She left to go get ready for the big party, and at 1:00 we all convened at Ben and Mel's for the celebration.  I cannot say enough about the food.  My cousin's wife did an amazing job putting together a spread fit for kings.  She is so darn creative, and this was apparent all over her home.  We had a "tree" of grapes, a wreath made of all different kinds of fruit, another tree made of mints...the list goes on and on.  Not only did it look spectacular, it tasted just as good (if not better) than it looked.  Not sure if you're reading this Mel, but hats off to you and your helpers!

It never ceases to amaze me how much I love my family.  Saturday was no different.  We have so many personalities and all of us seem to just come together and fit perfectly into place to finish off the puzzle that is the extended Conway clan.  We are so lucky to be able to have four generations of our family able to gather and celebrate each year, and I pray that this continues long into the future.  I think part of what makes the time so enjoyable is there is so much love bouncing around when we're together.  For example, here are my grandparents Steve and Bette Conway.

Photo courtesy of Valerie Niehaus  - To see more of here photos, CLICK HERE

Grandma and Grandpa are 89 and 90 years old and just as in love as ever.  In fact, I'd be willing to bet they're probably more in love because of all the years they've spent living, loving and learning together.  They are truly an inspiration.  And I feel that we are so incredibly lucky to still have them in our lives.
So there was nothing strenuous (at all) about the get-together on Saturday.  It was all laughter, hugs, games and smiles.

For some reason once 7:45 p.m. rolled around that was it for me, I was beat.  I was in bed by 8:30, and am almost embarrassed to say (but not quite enough not to share) that I slept until 9:30 Sunday morning.  I must have needed it because I sure slept well.  I had the most vivid, crazy dreams I've had in a long time.  I won't get into details, I'll just say that one involved me and @Valerie Niehaus trying to steal a million dollars (and then trying to hide while others hunted us down), and the other was a wild trip in which I was a villain traveling on roads similar to roller coasters.  I'm weird, I know.

All of that to tell you this:  I DIDN'T DO YOGA LAST SUNDAY.  Or Monday, or any other day since then.  And you know what?  I feel horribly about it.  Not guilty, I just miss it.  So, now that my final for  A&P is over, I'm going to start again tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow - there are so many good and exciting things in store!  It's the last day before Winter Break, woo hoo!  I'm starting my yoga again.  It's Friday, and I'm going to write another blog post, too.  Hehe.  I just love all of that not-so-important, but oh-so-fun stuff.

Before I sign off, I do want to say that the Conway clan I mentioned above got a little bigger today.  My cousin Shane and his wife Monica welcomed their third little bundle of joy today, little Miss Lennon Wren.  Can't wait to meet her, looking forward to meeting her and watching her grow.  Monica has her own blog, full of some amazing stuff -- if you care to, check it out HERE.

As I wind down tonight, I'm looking forward to all the weekend and upcoming holidays have in store.  Sure hope that all of you have plans to be surrounded by those you love.  Until tomorrow my friends...

Winding down...

It is really very strange to be teaching high school courses while fully invested in being a student at a post secondary institution at the same time.  It's been awhile since I have had to juggle two very different schedules.  Most of the semester I found it to be fairly easy (once my routine was established).  Right now, though, as the end of the postsecondary semester draws near I find myself needing time to slow down a little bit (or at least for me to speed up enough that I can get everything done)!

My psychology class ends this Sunday.  Luckily for me, I've got most of the work completed for the class.  I am very pleased where my grade is sitting, and could even opt out of completing anything else.  That sound like an amazing option -- but I'd have a really hard time just not completing the work.  We'll see how the rest of the week goes, and then I'll make that decision I suppose.

My Anatomy & Physiology class will be over a week from tomorrow.  I love the material and find it super interesting -- but I will be glad when I'm done and can say the semester is over.  As I've said before, I sometimes struggle with procrastination and lately it's almost gotten the better of me.  Somehow, I let myself take a "break" over the Thanksgiving holiday and then found myself behind.  It was my own fault...and it took awhile to get back into the swing of things.  As of right now, I'm done with my assignments for the week and let me tell you -- that feels great!

I've been up until at least midnight every night this week trying to get the work done.  I've had workbook assignments to complete, had to type them all into a document on my laptop so I could upload them to the professor, had a five-page case study to complete, and had a mini-test to take.  I can say one thing with absolute certainty:  I will sleep well tonight!

Speaking of sleeping, I wanted to update you all on how my fertility yoga is going.  I started on Sunday, November 24 (I think) and am very proud to say that I haven't missed a day yet.  No matter what time I finally am able to head down to bed, I take my 5 mg of melatonin (supposed to help with egg quality - and an added bonus is that it helps with sleep), and start my DVD.

The set I purchased, which you can find HERE, is wonderful.  It has four yoga routines.  So far, I've only been through two.  They appear to all be between 32-36 minutes long.  I was very concerned when I first began because I was a yoga novice.  When I'd looked at poses online (briefly) to research for fertility, some of the poses I saw were frightening.  I knew I was potentially in for some surprises (and disappointments when I couldn't do the poses) as well as some guaranteed laughs if the DVD resembled what I found online.  Lucky for me, it does no such thing.  The poses are relatively easy, though I can still definitely feel my body working.  The part I think I like the most about it all is how centered and relaxed I feel.  And, it totally holds me accountable that it's called "Fertility Yoga," because I feel incredibly guilty even thinking about skipping it! :)

It's currently "only" about 10:10 p.m.  I'm going to sign-off here and head down to center myself and relax.  So exciting that I might get to bed before midnight, ha!

Getting Acquainted

Little by little we're getting to know the personality of our little Coco Puff.  She's been a little less mellow today, and is starting to break out of her shell.

Tony was first introduced to her this morning around 5:45.  He was up, and I knew if he checked Facebook the cat dog would be out of the bag.  So, I asked him if he'd come upstairs with me for a second.  He immediately knew something was up.  Never do I willingly get out of bed on a weekend morning that early.  :) He was enamored from the start.  These two spent the majority of the day cuddling and getting to know one another.

Shadow did much better getting to know her little sister as well.  We started the morning off by putting Coco in her little crate in the living room.  Shadow was free to roam around and check her out as she pleased (which was more often than not).  Once Coco saw Shadow sniffing around she started to cry and whine.  It was like a switch went off in Shadow's head -- she seemed to suddenly realize "Oh!  This is a baby puppy!"  We didn't have any issues after that.  In fact, Shadow seems to look for Shadow every place she goes.  When she comes in from outside, she rushes around trying to find her baby.  They are absolutely adorable when they play together, too.  We do have to keep an eye on Shadow purely because she is just so much bigger than Coco.  The two of them want to play together so badly, and it appears to be the start of a great friendship.  I wish I had a picture to capture the moment, but unfortunately they were moving so fast that all my photos are blurry!

Even though things are going great between the two of them, we're still on the lookout to make sure Shadow doesn't feel like we're giving the new puppy more attention than her.  When my mom came downstairs earlier today, this is what she found:

It looks like we may be dealing with a little bit of jealousy, or sibling rivalry, from time to time.  Shadow's crate is much bigger than this one, but she spent quite a bit of time snuggled in on Coco's bed today.  Just. Too. Cute.  

In an attempt to make her more comfortable this morning, Tony and I took Shadow for a Sunday morning drive.  Tony and Shadow go for rides together on a daily basis, but I only get the privilege on weekends.  Today was no exception.  We'd given Shadow two of her ant-anxiety pills (for the first time) in hopes of alleviating any added stress of the new puppy today.  She was a little loopy as we headed for the truck.  Because I knew the meds might make her uncomfortable, I got her to snuggle in on my lap.  We had a great ride, and were able to see the beginning of the snowfall as we rode around.

Speaking of snow -- both our little ones got to romp around in that fluffy, white, cold stuff this afternoon.  And they both loved it!  We aren't at the point yet that we put them out there together.  That would be brave!  And, so, I leave you with these little treasures to peruse if you have time.  Enjoy the snow (if you're here in our white corner of the world), and stay warm!

The Best Laid Plans

Today was a whirlwind of a day.  And, although we didn't accomplish anything we set out to do, it was a wonderful day full of wonderful surprises.

My day started with the awesome gift (and surprise) of Tony allowing me to sleep in.  This is not automatic on the weekends.  It. Was. Awesome.  It only went to a certain point, and then it was time for me to wake up.  I won't say what time. as then I would have to admit how late I sleep when left unprovoked. :)

The plan was to go Christmas shopping.  We had a list.  We had a plan.  And then, we decided to make a quick stop.  We stopped at Tony's mom's house to pick up our St. Nick's gifts.  We received a warm welcome, and our "quick" stop soon turned into a nice, long visit.  We were able to celebrate Tony's sister Katie's twenty-ninth birthday.  Turns out her plans for the day fell through, so we were able to substitute in and help her enjoy her day.  I cheated a little bit, and we ordered Papa Murphy's stuffed pizza.  Boy did that hit the spot.  Katie received some wonderful gifts, and we were so happy to be there.

We'd arrived at Tony's mom's around noon, and left just before four this afternoon.  After all the laughing and eating there was no way I was going to get Tony out shopping with me.  I'd missed my window.  So, we headed home to relax with Shadow and do some online shopping.

Tony fell asleep early tonight, and I continued shopping online until my mom and Mike got home from visiting my grandma in Appleton today.  They got home around nine o'clock tonight.  I directed to hide while they came in, because they had some present for me that Mom didn't want me to see.  I complied, but not without a little complaining.  So, imagine my surprise when I walked out to find this:

Meet Coco.  She will be 7 weeks old on Monday

Mom brought Coco Puff home to be a playmate for Shadow.  I was so surprised.  And, she is just darling.  She is super mellow (especially compared to my little ragamuffin Shadow!).  Coco likes to cuddle and sleep.  She's a pudgy little thing, and doesn't move around a whole lot.  Although when you take her outside in 7 degree weather with much colder wind chills she moves a little more quickly.  :) 

Shadow and Coco's first meeting didn't go particularly well.  Shadow did some sniffing, then started growling a little, and finally started barking and pulling at her leash.  I just looked up "how to introduce your dog to a puppy," and found out we did nearly everything completely wrong!  But, you live and you learn I guess.  Things can only go up from here!  Each dog is tucked into her respective bed, and both are sleeping peacefully at the moment.  Our hopes are that these two will be the best of friends and I have a feeling it won't be long until we start to see their friendship develop.

Even though our plans didn't turn out how we'd planned them, it turns out we had a pretty darn good day.  I love my weekends, and so enjoy spending time with my husband and family.  Can't wait to see how this new adventure turns out!

Shadow, around the same age as Coco is now!

Is it Wednesday already?

I don't know how it happened that it's Wednesday already.  Somehow a week has passed since I was anxiously awaiting my four-day break, lots of turkey and lots of time with family.  Time sure flies. Wish I could tell all of you it's because I was having fun!  :)

I guess I can't say that I wasn't having fun.  The past few days have just passed in a blur.

I am feeling the stress of being a student taking seven credits while also teaching full-time.  Last weekend I spent a lot of my time writing an eight-page research paper for my Psychology class.  The longer I teach, the more interesting I find it to be on the student end of writing a paper.  In some ways I feel like I have an extreme advantage, but in other ways I wonder if it makes me worry and stress more.

Back in my college days, I was what some would definitely refer to as might call a procrastinator.  Particularly when it came to writing papers.  I remember one incident in particular.  Our assignment was to write a twelve-page paper in Spanish.  I apologize, but today some ten years later I don't remember the topic.  I do remember that I had about ten pages typed when suddenly, somehow, I lost it all.  I'll admit, I'd gone out earlier in the evening...putting off writing the paper as long as I could.  It was almost 3 a.m. at the time I lost the paper.  My dad was traveling on business, so I called him on his cell phone while he was fast asleep in a hotel somewhere in New Mexico to solicit his expert advice on how to get it back.  Well, it turns out that if you don't save something initially, there's no guarantee that Microsoft Word will save periodically.  Turns out I had to re-write the entire paper.  Although that experience didn't necessarily cure my bad habit of procrastinating, it makes for a fun memory and it DID teach me to save my work immediately so that the program starts automatically saving periodically as I work.

In addition to my paper, I've also got an upcoming exam in Anatomy & Physiology.  Tomorrow night I have a written exam, and the practical will be either next Thursday or the following.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am a little bit freakish about my grades.  It's an odd thing about me, especially because as a teacher I am encouraging no matter what grade my students earn.  I'm a little bit harder on myself.  I'm really, really working on not putting so much value on the "A."  But, I can tell you that it's an especially hard habit to break.  I'll even go so far as to tell you that when I got my first "D" on a test this semester I cried.  But, the good news is I got over it.  The world didn't end, and I am more motivated because of it.

The semester is winding to a close (well, at least my semester as a student is) and the holidays are fast approaching.  I find myself getting more and more excited as Christmas approaches.  Every week Tony and I have several reasons to drive over to the East Side of Milwaukee.  There is something so awe-inspiring about the driving down Lake Dr. at dusk, getting glimpses of Lake Michigan and seeing sparkling Christmas lights all along the way.

I hope to be more able to update my blog in a more timely fashion.  For all of you faithful readers out there, I haven't forgotten about you -- in fact, I'm constantly plotting when to write and what to write about :)  As I've stated before, it's a little bit addictive (in a good way)!  I'm so excited that we've made it through more than half the week.  Two more wake-ups and it'll be the weekend!  Have a great end to the week everybody!

Broadway

Who doesn't love Broadway?  I have yet to convince Tony we need to take a trip to NYC for him to experience Broadway "for real."  In fact, sometimes I have a hard time convincing him to experience "Broadway" in Milwaukee.  This is why, for Mother's Day this year, I purchased a pair of tickets to five shows for some mom-n-me time.

Tonight we attended our first performance, White Christmas.  Our night was darn near perfect.  We started off having a fabulous dinner at Motor, a restaurant at the Harley Davidson Museum.  The atmosphere was wonderful, and the food was awesome.  It was so nice to have some time with my mom -- just the two of us.  From there we headed to the Marcus Center.  Although our seats were pretty high up, we had good views just the same.  The music was phenomenal, and so much of it followed along with how the movie is scripted.  In fact, there were only a couple of songs I didn't recognize.

It never, ever, fails.  White Christmas gets me in the mood for Christmas like no other movie.  Tonight while watching there were even a few scenes that put a tear in my eyes.  Now, any of you who know me know that this is normal.  I'm a complete sap.  There's something remarkable about feel-good holiday tears that just get me in the spirit.  Yeah, yeah, I'm a weirdo.

If any of you have the opportunity to catch this performance traveling through a city near you, I'd highly recommend it.  And, if you're ever in the Milwaukee area, you have my recommendation to eat at Motor -- yum!

Tonight made me thankful that I decided to splurge a little bit and get these tickets.  Not just because it gave me time to spend with my mom.  But also because it gave me a chance to enjoy something I truly enjoy -- something I don't get to do as often as I'd like.  I am so looking forward to seeing the next four musicals on the schedule.  And, I'm already planning how I can make this work for next season as well.  Who knows, maybe I'll be able to convince Tony to go!

In January we will be seeing War Horse.  Tonight while waiting an eternity in line for something to drink (we missed the beginning of Act II because the lines were running so far behind) I was able to catch a glimpse of a huge display explaining how they created the contraption used to be "Joey" from War Horse.  Looked pretty amazing and just made me more excited to see the show.

I can't remember all the months and the orders of the shows, but I know we will also be seeing Evita, Phantom of the Opera, and Flashdance.  Of the five total shows that we're scheduled to see the only one I've seen previously is Phantom.  So, so excited that we live in a city where Broadway shows such as these come through town.  And I feel so thankful that I was able to purchase these tickets so we can enjoy them.

With that, I bid you all adieu.  I have a yoga video and my nice, comfy bed awaiting me...oh yeah, and my husband, too (I should add he's sound asleep sawing logs as I type)! :)

Procrastination & Thankfulness

Lately, whenever I find myself facing the daunting task of school work I find inspiration to write this blog!  Don't get me wrong, I don't only write when I'm trying to avoid other tasks.  The truth is that I feel like I'm addicted to the feeling of journaling and letting everything go.  I find myself planning out what I want to write about, tossing ideas around in my head, and sometimes even asking Tony what he thinks about a topic or two (that doesn't necessarily mean I will listen if he says he doesn't like them)!  Some might look at the beginning of this post and think I'm making excuses for my procrastinating tendencies...I'm not.  I take full responsibility for the fact that I tend to procrastinate.  I can say that I do much better getting things done early than I used to do.  My main purpose in writing my blog before I do homework is so that I can concentrate.  I have a lot of ideas, but usually once I publish a post I'm good for at least a few hours of relaxation before another one starts taking shape (and here you're thinking, thank goodness, right?).

Given that it's Thanksgiving I didn't really think that I could get away without touching on what I'm thankful for this year.  I'm thankful for so many things -- and I really try to show my thanks and be grateful throughout the year.  I'm so, so, so grateful for my family.  This includes extended family.  I treasure my relatives. I know that even though we don't spend every holiday together now that we're all growing older and branching out on our individual paths we still matter to each other.  There's always an open-door policy and I know Tony and I could show up and we'd be welcome...that means so much, and there are so many people in this world who have no one.  Definitely makes this gal feel humble.

Tony getting spun around

Tony "pinning" the hat on the turkey

I'm thankful that my family has a sense of humor.  After our first Turkey Dinner today we played a game of "Pin the Hat on the Turkey."  Most of us did alright -- some of us wandered into the hallway, or put the hat on a completely different door!  We did have fun though, and the winner (neither Tony nor I) went home with a cute little ceramic bird.


I'm thankful that I have a warm home and a loving husband.  I'm so thankful that I have faith and hope -- I'm learning my faith gets stronger everyday.  I am grateful for the knowledge that God has a plan for all of us, and that I can let Him do the heavy lifting...all I need to do is trust.  I'm thankful that forgiveness exists and I'm humbled by the many times it is offered to me, especially the times when I think I don't deserve it.

Finally, I'm thankful for good friends.  I know I don't see some of them often, nor do we talk like we should.  It's amazing to me that we can pick up where we left off -- and I never want this to change.  I'm amazed at how many former students I also call good friends; this makes me feel good (and it helps to keep me not feeling so old :)).

I wish you all many blessings as we enter into the Christmas season.  If you're headed out into the madness of Black Friday (and even if you're not) -- stay safe & warm!  As for me, we're back to that topic of procrastination.  I have an eight-page research paper due on Sunday at 11:45 p.m.  I keep saying I'm going to start.  I have some research done -- it's all printed off, including the citations I'll need at the end.  This is by far the worst assignment of the semester as far as my procrastinating goes.  I've thought of all the ways to get out of it and so far none have worked.  I even searched my old computer to see if I had one of my papers from when I got my Masters Degree in Educational Psychology.  Unfortunately for me, those files were all on my computer that was stolen out of my storage shed.  Hey it's not plagiarism if I wrote it, right?  *Sigh*  Alright, this is my sign-off, my over and out...I'm onto doing starting my paper.  That's all I'm going to promise, tonight, folks.  I will type something, I promise!  :)

Inocente

As I began my last workday before heading into the Thanksgiving holiday I found myself searching for inspiration.  I'm grateful for my family and friends every day...and though I typically find this to be "enough," this year I wanted something more.

As the day commenced, I decided to change up my lesson plan in hopes of finding something special to leave my students with today; something they might consider as they sit down with their families to give thanks in the days to come.  I'm not sure exactly how it happened -- the idea came out of nowhere.  As I sat at my desk searching my brain for something to do that would be appropriate for the season, whilst not breaking any religious rules, it came to me.

Earlier this year at the Oscars there was one particular film that caught my eye.  After watching the Oscars I searched for it immediately, only to find out it hadn't yet been released.  Today I had to use Google to figure out the name of the film...all I could remember was that it had to do with a young Latina girl and her art.

What. A. Find.  Today I was able to share the heartwarming, sometimes sad, poignant story of this young woman with my classes.  And I tell you this -- you could have heard a pin drop in any one of my four classes.  Now, that would be a great thing on a normal day...on the day before Thanksgiving break, it was A-MA-ZING!

I urge you all, when you have forty minutes (and maybe some tissue), take a look at "Inocente."  This story of a 15 year-old homeless girl who follows her passion to create art is endearing. Her journey leads you through many difficult situations, high and low emotions, and in the end leaves you inspired.  I can't recommend it enough.  In fact, I bought the film on iTunes this afternoon.

As an aside, I must share that as well as this turned out today, technology does not always happen easily in the classroom.  During my first class of the day today, this was no exception.  Without fail when I plan any kind of lesson with technology something goes wrong.  After a half an hour trying to get the film to load a miracle happened and we were able to get started.  Can I tell you what it's like to have 42 freshmen sitting and waiting for you to get the ball rolling?  One thing is for certain -- it's not quiet.  At all.  The librarian was able to give me a longer cord so we were able to be hooked into the network as opposed to using the wireless connection.  Not sure what else he did, but, it finally worked.  Phew!

I wish you all a wonderful Holiday Weekend with your family, friends and loved ones.  Travel safely, laugh loudly and enjoy those around you this weekend and always!

Dairy Free

I'm in about week six of trying to eat and live dairy free.  Did I mention I'm from Wisconsin?  Dairy-free sucks.  But, slowly, I'm learning to do it and to even enjoy it sometimes.  Of course I'm looking forward to the days when I can enjoy some cheese and crackers and not feel like I'm ruining all my chances when, like today, I had a slice two slices of pizza.  C'mon, it was Papa Murphy's stuffed pizza.  We were watching the Packer game and I couldn't resist.

Tonight, I tried to make up for it.  I'm not sure that I've counteracted the effects yet...but I sure found a good recipe.  One of the other dietary instructions I have is to increase my consumption of green leafy vegetables.  I'm not super picky -- I could easily throw together a spinach salad or something and get in a ton of the vitamins and nutrients I need.

The problem is that in my diagnosis in Traditional Chinese Medicine I am to avoid all "cold" foods.  You'd be surprised as what foods are listed as "cold," and what that requirement entails.  No foods directly out of the refrigerator.  No cold drinks (I cheat on this one a little bit -- I take the drink out of the refrigerator awhile before I'm going to drink it).  Right now, for example, I'm enjoying a moderately cold glass of chocolate almond milk.  Just an aside -- if any of you readers are sensitive to lactose or are looking for lactose-free alternatives, I highly recommend this (especially if you like chocolate milk).  I cannot taste a difference from "regular" chocolate milk, and there's over double the calcium.  No cucumbers, lettuce, cold spinach...the list goes on and on.

So, I have to find ways to get these nutrients in warm foods that I can tolerate.  One of my guilty pleasures has always been spinach artichoke dip.  Can we say yum?  You may have noticed, however, that there is usually a lot of cheese in the aforementioned dip.  So, I did what anyone in today's world does (at least I think this is what they would do).  I went to my #1 resource:  Google.  And, lo and behold I found a recipe that was dairy-free.  There's an interesting ingredient though, cashew cream.  You soak raw cashews in water overnight, drain them, and then put them in a food processor or blender with 1 cup purified water.  The result is a creamy looking concoction that has very little taste or smell...but adds a tremendous amount of texture (similar to that of dairy products).  I'm in love.

You can find the recipe here.  Within the recipe, there's a link to the cashew cream.  However, if you don't find it for any reason, click here.  Hope you enjoy!

And now, I bid you all goodnight.  I'm off to do my fertility yoga and then dream sweet dreams.  Until tomorrow, my friends!

Date Night

In every marriage I think there's a struggle to keep things new and exciting between you and your partner.  It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane day-to-day events.  I don't think any healthy marriage is without disagreements, differences of opinion, or arguments.  At least, I hope that each partner in a relationship has a healthy enough self-image to develop their own opinions and voice them (whether they are the same or different than their partner's).

Tony and I have always worked very hard at keeping our relationship fun.  Although the ways we spend our time might baffle those around us we truly, truly, enjoy the time we spend together.  I had to smile this week when on Facebook I found the following photo:

I'd never given much thought to our philosophy, but I think it this sums it up pretty darn well.  We certainly don't have a lot of money...yet we try to do things that we both enjoy.  One of the things we do is share books.  Whenever we're on a long trip, Tony drives (unless, of course I'm being a backseat driver and frustrating the heck out of him...then I drive).  We started with the Twilight series.  Tony soon became what he calls a "Twi-dork," and we read all four of the books.  We hadn't found a series he'd liked quite as much until lately when we read The Hunger Games (well, the second and third books).  Tony really enjoys seeing a movie first and then reading the books.  He likes to be able to put the characters' names to faces.  So this Friday, for $20, we were able to see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.  What a great film!  I felt like it stuck pretty closely to the storyline of the book, and it's definitely one I'd recommend!  We were supposed to go out to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend afterward (it was a double-date at the movie).  Luckily for me, Tony was on the same page as I was and we just jetted home to hit the hay.  We're just not used to late nights anymore :)

Sometimes we go for walks with the dog.  Other times we take a leisurely drive down the coast of Lake Michigan and hit all the county parks along the way.  Other times we go to the grocery store to pick out something both of us want...and then we go home, pick out a movie and eat in bed (*gasp*).

Honestly, one of the reasons I know my husband and I are doing alright is that I can be so mad at him -- I mean steaming mad, ready to pull my hair out...and then he gives me a look and it's all I can do not to burst out laughing.  This wonderful man makes me laugh.  And laugh, and laugh, and laugh.  How could I ask for anything more?  The truth is, I shouldn't ask for more...but sometimes I do.  And you know what?  He delivers.  He understands me when I'm hormonally crazy (and regular crazy sometimes, too).  He knows when I need to be held, when I need a good cry, and when I need to be put in my place (that part I don't always appreciate as much, haha).

Don't get me wrong, Tony and I have been through a lot together.  In the four years and five months that we've been together we've had some major challenges we've had to deal with.  Things have not been smooth and sunshiny the entire time.  We didn't get through the rough times alone.  We sought out people to help us help each other.  I am not ashamed to say that we still see a counselor to help us as we try to cope with life.  Not only do we have the every day stresses that any married couple face, we are also facing head-on a diagnosis of unexplained infertility.  The lessons we've learned about each other and ourselves as a couple are invaluable.

As tough some of the struggles we've had have been, I wouldn't give them back or trade them for anything.  Because of those times I can confidently say that my husband and I are together for the right reasons.  I can say that my husband knows me inside and out.  And I, a person who has many insecurities, can tell you that I know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband loves me and would do anything for me.  I think that makes me a pretty lucky gal.  I know it sure makes me a happy one.

Breakdown

The longer I'm in the classroom the more I find myself wondering when "the times" changed.  Have I become old and prudish?  When did the "F" word become an acceptable part of daily language...even for adults?  I can distinctly recall the very few swear words that I heard adults say (in real life and on t.v.) when I was growing up, and I assure you the "F" word wasn't one of them.  As one of my favorite holiday movies explains about a time when the main character slipped and used the F word:  "I didn't say "Fudge."  I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the F-dash-dash-dash word!"  Who can name the movie? :) 

It's not just the "F" word.  I feel like behaviors (adolescent and adult alike) are so volatile in so many ways.  Maybe I'm more sensitive to these behaviors because of my line of work, maybe I'm being overly sensitive in general.  All I know for sure is that I'm getting overwhelmed with the disrespect I see and experience on a daily basis and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Standing in the hallway at school before and in-between classes, my ears are bombarded with foul language.  I can't count the number of times I hear curse words in a day...and sometimes feel like I might not even notice or hear all of the offenders because I'm becoming desensitized.  That bothers me, a lot.  I'm not saying everyone should have to regulate their language around me.  I'm not even saying that I don't use this language from time to time.  I am saying that for my students to be using this language in front of and TO me is unacceptable.  There is a time and a place, and specific audiences around whom it's less offensive.  It saddens me to know that many of the young people I come into contact with each day don't know the difference because somehow, some way, they haven't been taught.  

Today was a rough day for me as a teacher.  I broke down three minutes before my fourth hour class was supposed to start.  Why?  I can't tell you exactly why because I'm not really sure myself.   All I know is that one minute I was disciplining a student, the next I was trying to find a guidance counselor to talk with that student, and when I finally explained the situation I burst into tears.  And they didn't stop.  

As I explained to my Assistant Principal who saw me crying in the hall on my way to class, I don't know how to keep teaching classes that hover around forty students.  It's emotionally draining and seriously challenging.  I don't know how many more nights I can spend calling parents trying to intervene to improve these student behaviors.  I'm trying everything that's been suggested by the district. And still, I'm encountering new levels of disrespect almost every day and I'm not the only one.  

How do we teach our children to avoid unacceptable behavior?  How do we reduce the violence?  I feel like our children need new role models; ones who aren't fighting in public one day, and being paid to be celebrities the next.  Today made me really sad.  Because I am usually a teacher who advocates for her students.  Today I just wanted to run away from them and that makes me feel really badly.

Cricks and Critters

Remember that plan I had of getting up early with Tony and hitting the gym at 5 a.m. this morning?  Didn't. Happen.  My intentions were great.  My alarm was set.  And then, I couldn't fall asleep last night.

Normally when I can't sleep it's because I'm staring at my iPhone screen, playing Candy Crush or perusing Facebook long after I should be.  Last night, I took my melatonin (to help me sleep, and also to help with egg quality) and just couldn't fall asleep plain and simple.

Not sure what time it was when I finally drifted off to dreamland, but I know it was past 11:00 when I last looked at the clock.  Even then I still had my alarm clock set for five o'clock.  Until...Tony woke up at 2:30 a.m. and decided it would be a good time for a snack.  Normally this doesn't bother me and many times I don't wake up.  Last night, however, there was something about the way he opened his bag of chips that was noisy enough that it had me sitting straight up in bed completely confused asking "What's wrong?  What are you doing? Are you okay?"  We giggled about it for a bit, he finished his snack, took his a.m. pills to help him get back to sleep and was off dreaming again quite shortly (before 3:00 a.m.).  Before he'd passed out again, we decided that I'd go to yoga this evening at 6:45 p.m. and he'd go to the gym on his own during the day.   As for me, I still couldn't get back to sleep.  Sometime around 3:30 this morning I finally fell back asleep.  Believe me when I tell you that 7 a.m. came way too quickly after that (and man was I glad we'd cancelled the 5 a.m. wakeup call)!

Unfortunately, I was plagued with a nagging headache all day long.  I wasn't wrong yesterday when I said I'd be sore this morning.  There's nothing leftover from the yoga that I can't deal with, but for some reason I'm carrying around a TON of tension in my neck and shoulders today.  I think I need to work more on my breathing when I'm doing the poses for yoga, and that might help.  I'm certainly no expert and I felt super relaxed at the end of my yoga session -- but I'm thinking I need to drink a LOT more water during the day, and make sure that I'm doing what I can to stay relaxed during the day.  Needless to say, I didn't go to yoga this evening.  I've decided what my body needs is a good, solid night's sleep.  Tomorrow is a new day, my fertility yoga DVD is ordered and on it's way, and I can keep making progress tomorrow -- without a headache.

Let me tell you what doesn't relax me during the day.  Mice.  Yep, you read that correctly.  The past two days I've been dealing with children and mice at school.  As the weather gets colder (which I think could also be contributing to my headache) we all prepare to beware of critters.  I'd like to think this applies more to most of us in our own homes.  We have three lovely mouse catchers in our family so we don't have to worry most of the time about mice in the house.  My classroom, however, is a different story.

It started yesterday during my lunch hour.  There is a sixth grade class in my classroom that hour and I usually leave to go to the library.  I was preparing my lunch in the microwave when I kid screamed "mouse!"  That was enough to have me jumping up out of my chair and wanting to bolt for the door.  Students were standing on desks and everyone was screaming.  The teacher did an amazing job of calming them down, and by the time I'd hurriedly grabbed my lunch and my cell phone and scooted out the door saying "I'll get the engineer..." she had them out the door and quiet.  That particular little guy was caught in a copy paper box and escorted outside.

The next, and last, hour of the day I was giving a test.  We made it almost to the end of the hour when one of the students said "There's a mouse over there.  It's just sitting there."  Another live little mouse was sitting under the ottoman in the corner of my room near the refrigerator.  It came out even though people were screaming, and we finally evacuated the room and went to the hallway to wait for the final bell of the day (and the engineer).

Both mice were babies, and even though itty bitty little things, they scare the crap out of me!  I have what I hope is an irrational fear that they'll crawl up my pant leg or something.  Yuck!  I'm worried that because they're so little, we're in for more surprises.  The engineers put sticky traps on the floor -- I'm being more strict than ever before about the kids NOT being allowed to eat in my room.  Unfortunately kids try to sneak in food all the time, and mice are quite mobile little things.  Hopefully I won't see any more of them; if they're around I hope they will agree to leave me in peace.   Amazing how such little things can cause such chaos and disruption in a room full of adolescents who have a scardey-cat teacher :)

New Friends, Old Friends

Today someone I don't know commented on my blog.  I didn't know that people who are "strangers" were reading this blog, but after today I can confidently say that makes me ecstatic!  Part of the reason I started blogging was to hopefully reach out to others who are also struggling.  Today's comment, which you can read here, was so inspiring it brought tears to my eyes...more than once.  

In addition to feeling blessed by this comment, I'm also blessed to have people out there who care enough about me and what I'm going through that they spend their precious time looking for things that might help me.  I know I mention her a lot, but +Megan Karabon has done so much to be a support to me.  I know most married women may have someone at work they may call their "work husband," but I often joke with Tony that Megan is my "work wife."  No ill humor intended, it's just that I can go to Megan's classroom or she'll come to mine and we solve the world's our day-to-day problems by bouncing ideas off each other.  Some days I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that kind of support at school.  At home, I'm lucky enough to have a supporting husband and family who do whatever they can to help me out when I'm struggling or feeling down.  I'm lucky enough to also have someone that I consider pretty darn close to family at work whom I can trust and I know always has my back.  For that, I'm so grateful.  

Today, for instance, I received a text message in the middle of the morning telling me there's a place in Milwaukee that offers fertility yoga.  I'd never heard of such a thing!  And then, as if just letting me know wasn't enough, Megan made sure to come down to see if I'd checked it out.  The fact that someone who is as busy (or busier) than I am would take time out of their day to get excited about something to help me is unbelievable.  But, that's how it is.  That's how our friendship works, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I did check out this fertility yoga stuff.  Unfortunately, the place in Milwaukee isn't offering any classes right now and won't be until January (which is when we hope to be starting up our third IVF cycle).  But, after a quick Google search I found a bunch of pretty informative articles.  Some, like this one, even offer some poses with instructions.  Basically, fertility yoga increases blood flow to some of the reproductive organs while also relieving stress (which is of utmost importance when trying to conceive).  I've also discovered Amazon has bunches of fertility yoga videos, so you can bet your bottom I'm jumping on that bandwagon as soon as Tony's paycheck my paycheck clears the bank!

In the meantime, I've started going to the gym.  I finally made it to the Monday night 4:15 p.m. yoga class...only to find out it was the last night it's being offered at that time.  Can we say bummed?  I'd been completely ready to change a long-standing Monday night appointment in order to go.  So, now I have to wait and see what's going to be taking it's place.  

Tony and I have decided, together, that we're both going to try to get up in the wee hours of the morning to be each other's workout buddies.  So far, it' s been really challenging.  We intended to start last Thursday.  I was up late Wednesday night studying, and Thursdays are my long days (I'm in class until 8:30 p.m.), so it was easy to talk each other out of that one.  Then, on Friday, we decided we could go in the evening (we didn't).  By Saturday we'd lost what little motivation was driving us, and we decided to wait until today to give it a whirl.  Well, last night as I sat here plugging away at my blog, I realized there was a 4:15 yoga class I could attend after school.  It wasn't a very tough decision when weighing an extra almost-two hours sleep (class starts at 5:15 in the morning) vs. getting up in the cold, dark morning to go to the gym.  Even though I didn't get up this morning, I did follow through and go to yoga this evening.  I felt great when I was done, but boy were some of those poses uncomfortable.  Although it's not a high-intensity workout, I'll still be surprised if I'm walking normally tomorrow.  I already know I probably won't be pain-free.  

With that said, it's time for me to sign-off for the night.  We are going to be at the gym early tomorrow morning.  Thanks in advance for your encouragement and support -- both Tony and I will need it :)

Until tomorrow, my friends!

Homemade Apple Pie

Although this blog was started primarily to help me journal my thoughts regarding our journey down the path of fertility, not everything in our life is dictated by what goes on at the doctor's office.

This weekend was a normal, sit-and-laze-around weekend.  Rainy, unseasonably warm, yet cozy.  Tony and I spent the day together yesterday, went grocery shopping and made a HUGE pot of Tony's favorite - County Chili.  County Chili is super easy as well as super yummy.  It was a tradition in Tony's home growing up.  I'd love to share the recipe, but I'll have to check with my mother-in-law +Deb Bartlett to make sure I'm not letting out any family secrets before I do!

In the evening after tucking Tony into bed I ventured out to Conway's Smokin' Bar & Grill in Milwaukee to see a colleague of mine performing with his band.  Unclear on the Concept did a phenomenal job, and I was very impressed!  It's been awhile since I've left my house at 9:00 p.m. and ventured out to a bar.  Luckily for me my curiosity was peaked considering the bar's name included my maiden name.  I had no choice but to check it out!  The band played a few of their own songs, and then continued to cover many popular songs.  I found myself singing along more often and not, and have decided to "splurge" and purchase their CD.  It's $5.  If anyone is interested in attending the next show, let me know -- I'm always up for company, and those venues aren't really Tony's cup o' tea.  Even better, I'll be asking for autographs on this CD.  Who knows when these guys will end up being famous?

Sunday started out slowly.  Tony let me sleep in, we had some more snuggles with Shadow, and woke up quite lazily.  It. Was. Awesome.  After getting up we decided it might be a good idea to take Shadow for a walk ride.  We usually like to head to the South side of Milwaukee to hit up some of our favorite county parks (South Shore, Grant, Bender), but as we came upstairs we were bombarded by news reports of tornado watches and warnings.  So, instead, we decided to travel North.  We'd made it to the gas station up the street when the tornado sirens started going off.  Needless to say, both the adventure was cancelled.  Came home, took a nap (I said it was a lazy day, didn't I?), and relaxed until it was almost time for the Packer game.

Considering how the Packers fared today, I think I'll just skip to the next part.  :)  I spent most of the afternoon and evening studying and completing assignments for my Psychology and Anatomy & Physiology classes.  When I study, without fail, I'm listening to Pandora.com.  I am in love with their Lullabye Radio station.  It is so calming, and we also listen to this when it's time to go to sleep.  I was introduced to this awesomeness by +Megan Karabon, and cannot thank her enough.  I know her little one, Lily, loves the music as well.  Lily is just over four months old, so I can guarantee it's appropriate for all ages!  *Side note, if you're looking for a blog about family, buying tips for your little ones, advice, and anecdotes of a little one's milestones -- check out her blog karabonchronicles.blogspot.com!

I took a short study break to do something I've been wanting to do for a few weeks now.  I made a homemade apple pie.  I'm not sure what it is about being in a warm kitchen, with rain pattering at the windows, and wind whipping around the house that makes me want to bake.  I just love the cozy feeling I get, and was so excited to make this pie.  While I was baking, one my favorite songs came on pandora.com.  It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling as I worked in the kitchen creating a sweet edible treat for my family.  The lyrics are what get me, every time.  So, tonight, I leave you with a link (just click on the title of the song) to this favorite song of mine, along with the lyrics to ponder.  I hope you find something as special as I have within them.

"At Last" 

Etta James

Written by:  Harry Warren & Mack Gordon

At last 

Finished product and our Holiday window, courtesy of my mom, +Sharon Davison 

My love has come along 

My lonely days over 

And life is like a song 

Ooh Yeah, Yeah, At last 

The skies above are blue 

My heart was wrapped up in clover 

The night I looked at you 

I found a dream 

That I could speak to 

A dream that I can call my own 

I found a thrill 

To press my cheek to 

A thrill that I have never known 

You smile 

You smile 

Oh and then the spell was cast 

And here we are in heaven 

For you are mine at last

Lazy Day

Not much new with us today.  Finished out the work week without incident, and am so thankful that the weekend is here.  My spirits appear to be lifting; some good scripture and a good nights' sleep does wonders for the soul.

I haven't said much about this previously, but we've been struggling to help our dog Shadow get more accustomed to being around strangers.  Whenever we take her to a new place, or she sees new people, she barks and barks and barks.  The hair on the back of her neck raises, and she bares her teeth.  Professionals who have interacted with her tell us she is exhibiting fear aggression.  I've discovered that it is a difficult thing to find out your dog is a special-needs dog.  I never would have guessed the emotional reaction I'd have as a "parent" to this animal.  I get defensive of her, protective of her, and I also spent a lot of time denying that she might need extra intervention.

We got Shadow when she was six weeks old.  She was just a little ball of fur, loved everyone she came into contact with; she feared nothing.  We have loved her, nurtured her, and learned from her.  She is wonderful with all of us at home.  She isn't mean-spirited or aggressive.  She loves to run, romp and play.  Her favorite thing to do is chase her blue ball in the backyard.  She will do this over and over again...and just when you think she's tired out, she comes back for more.  I love watching her race to beat the ball to the fence, jump up and catch the ball mid-air, and then bring it back to me so proudly.  We have two blue balls that are identical, so she's really good at bringing one back, dropping it at my feet, and then waiting for me to throw the other one.  And, she's smart.  I can ask her for specific colored toys and she goes to get them.  When I tell her to go get some water, she goes right to her dish to take a drink, and does the same with her food.

Why, then, is she so terrified of strangers?  We started Shadow in puppy class when she was eight weeks old.  She was rambunctious, and sometimes sassy, but overall did well and "graduated" after the program was done.  We then did advanced puppy training.  Again, more of her timidness started to show, she was leery of the trainer and the other people in class, but did well with the dogs.  Although she is really scary when she's in the presence of strangers, I know she isn't trying to hurt anyone.  One day, while we were letting her outside to go in the backyard, she took off through the open garage door.  There were two young girls walking down the sidewalk.  Shadow was barking, growling and following them.  We instructed the girls not to run, to just keep walking.  She followed them, but never broke into a run.  She was protecting her household, and once they were far enough away she came back.

That incident prompted us to put in her a new training class.  We are working with a very intense trainer, one who yells more at the handlers than the dogs.  We are learning so much about how to handle a dog with special needs, how not to get frustrated (that just feeds her weirdness), and how to help build her confidence.  I've spoken to many people at several dog places regarding Shadow's struggles.  They all keep telling me we have to build her confidence with training.  The training IS helping Shadow improve, but it's not doing everything we'd hoped.  I got Shadow a calming collar on Wednesday that is supposed to give off pheromones that remind her of her mother.  It stinks to high heaven, in my opinion, but appears to be working to a small extent.

Tony and I discussed it, and on Friday he took her to the vet to get evaluated for medication.  We are hoping that we can keep her on the anti-anxiety medication long enough so that it becomes normal for her to be at ease around strangers...and then we'd like to hopefully wean her off of these medications.  So, she was given a prescription for Prozac, and one for diazepam.  She takes the Prozac daily, and will be using the diazepam as needed for visits to "scary" places, such as the groomer.  Even though they say it takes three weeks in order for us to see a difference, I have to say she's been a little more mellow since she started the meds yesterday.  Tony and I were able to sleep in a little bit today, and Shadow came down and just snuggled in.   It was so nice.

A Front Row Seat

Today I'm struggling.  Trying to remain optimistic, but feeling like it's a struggle to keep my head above water.  I have so much going on.  I'm going to repeat that:  I have so. much. going. on.  Everyone says the more stressed you are the more difficult it is to conceive.  How do you find a balance between keeping up with your professional and personal responsibilities without allowing it to stress you out? Please, if you find a concrete answer, let me know.

Unfortunately, fertility takes a prominent seat in the front row of your life when you are the person or people striving to overcome its challenges.  And when it's not right there in the foreground, it's lurking somewhere not too far away.  I feel like it is with me wherever I go.  Like an invisible badge sewn to all my clothing, it is represents all the stress I just can't shake.  Throughout this process, I need to shake the stress.  I have to remain strong and optimistic.  But tonight, I can't.  Tonight I feel the need to allow myself to be a little bit scared; to let the what-ifs run through my mind.  Because in the end, regardless of the outcome of this next IVF cycle, I have to be prepared.  

Tonight my professor asked me "What happened last week?" because I'd done poorly on a test and I'd alluded to the fact that I'd had a rough week.  I answered him through broken sobs as tears ran down my face.  Just when I thought I'd moved on from grieving the cycle that didn't work, I was overcome with sadness once again.  I think what scares me the most is that I now feel like we have this looming deadline.  It'll be this time or never.  And I know that isn't going to help me remain stress-free.  

I was prompted to look up some scripture after having a good cry on my way home.  I couldn't have found a more perfect verse.  It has to do with God's timing.  I found a reference to our church's magazine, the Ensign, online.  One particular article, found here, really put things into perspective for me.  In case you opted out of the link, the part that really resonated with me was a quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926 - 2004) in which he said:

           "The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust His timing.  If we can truly believe that He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

Probably even more promising than the aforementioned words was the story that went with it.  It was a story of a woman who, after two surgeries, was told she'd never be able to have biological children of her own.  I'll let you read to find out what happened, but beware that you may shed a tear or two as the story unfolds.  I did.  But, then again, I'd also had the waterworks going before I started reading the article :)

Even thought the process as a whole is scary, and we don't have any way of knowing how things will turn out, I already feel calmer, stronger and on more solid ground.  I have found solace in my faith.  I know that miracles happen, for nothing is "too hard for the Lord (Genesis 18:14).   It will be these words that comfort me as I drift off to dream tonight.  

Thanks for being here, for reading, and for lifting us up with your love and support.  Even though I don't know who exactly reads these ol' posts of mine, I appreciate each and every one of you for supporting this page.  Knowing that people are praying for, rooting for, and thinking of Tony and I means more than you'll ever know.

The Third Time Is A Charm

Tony and I met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist this afternoon.  We received what I would call mixed news.  It was decided that we will proceed with our third, and we learned, final IVF attempt.

It's very interesting how this all turned out.  I have been praying and praying for guidance on what to do with our next round of IVF.  Tony and I have gone back and forth regarding whether we should take some time off and wait ninety days or so, or proceed immediately.  When we talked about praying over it, Tony assured me that when I got an answer, I would know I had the answer.  Well, I prayed and prayed.  I phrased and re-phrased my question.  And I felt...nothing.  Nothing different.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  Until today, when I wasn't praying.  We were sitting in a consultation room with the doctor, and we'd been told we can try again.  The doctor continued, to tell us that the lab will be closed for two weeks over the holidays, and we most likely just missed the window to complete our cycle prior to the lab closing in December.  So, most likely I'll start my prep cycle in December, and we'll be proceeding in January.  I'd say that's a pretty clear answer, wouldn't you?

If any of you reading are unfamiliar with how IVF works, here's a brief synopsis (if you already know, or this is too much information, please skip to the next paragraph):
I take birth control for 3 weeks after a menstrual cycle to keep my ovaries "quiet."  After the start of my next menstrual cycle, I begin injecting medications (2) into my stomach every night.  After a couple of days we add the third injection.  During this time I go to the doctor every two days for ultrasounds to monitor my egg follicles so we have an estimate of how many eggs are being produced and how big each one is.  At the end of approximately two weeks, when the follicles have almost fully developed, I give myself a fourth and sometimes fifth injection (these two are done alone).  One of them stimulates a final burst of growth in the follicles.  The other triggers a release of the eggs.  I have to take these two injections exactly 36 hours prior to my egg retrieval.  During the egg retrieval I am lightly sedated (I have zero recollection of the past two).  There is an embryologist present and the doctor retrieves the eggs guided by ultrasound.  We find out how many we have before we leave the clinic, but have no idea how many are mature.  At that point the embryologist uses a process called ICSI in which he/she injects individual sperm into each mature egg.  We find out the following day how many fertilize. Depending on the number of embryos created and the quality of each embryo a date is set for the embryo transfer.  This will either be three days post egg retrieval or five days post-retrieval.

Because we are still unsure whether or not we are dealing with an egg quality issue, most likely we will be fertilizing half of the eggs we get with Tony's sperm, and half with donor sperm.  This will give us a better idea as to where our biggest obstacle is.  Having to use a donor anything is a very humbling experience, and I will continue saying prayers knowing that in the end this is all out of my control and what is meant to be will be.  Regardless of how it comes to be, the main goal is for Tony and I to have a baby.  There will be no difference in the love that child is given whether it shares one or both of our DNA.

Having said that, I would like to share a little bit about how this feels for us emotionally.  Tony is a trooper.  I cannot tell you enough how he impresses me each day with his kindness and compassion for my feelings as we deal with this entire process.  Let me tell you, chivalry is NOT dead.  This man would do anything to protect me.  And I mean anything.  This includes volunteering to have us use donor sperm to try to rule out the egg quality issue.  He knows how hard of a time I'm having accepting that.

What some of you may know, and many may not, is that I am adopted.  I have always known I was adopted, it's never bothered me -- in fact it's something I was quite proud of when I was a little girl.  I haven't been loved any less; in many ways I feel like it made me a little bit more loved.  I couldn't be closer to my family; I actually love pretty fiercely and have extreme loyalty to my family.  Family comes first.  Always.  Here comes the "but."  But...I've always wondered what it would feel like to have a child that is biologically connected to me.  In that way I don't think I'm any different from any other woman who wants to have children.  But there's something else.  Something that brings tears to my eyes when I think of not having it.  There are things I long for -- to have someone around who looks like me, someone who has my tendencies and quirks.  Someone who has my eyes, or my smile...I've never really known what that feels like that until fairly recently.  Now, I am fortunate enough that I have met both my biological parents.  What makes me really, really lucky is that my mom, dad, and step-mom (those whom I call my parents) are totally okay with the fact that I know and spend time with my biological parents.  We could say that I have five incredible role models who have each taught me in their own way what it means to be selfless and to love unconditionally.  They've all done things for me or made sacrifices solely for the purpose of making my life better.  I think that is the key I need to keep in mind.  Tony and I will do what we need to do to love and provide for our children, no matter how they come to us.  Best case scenario will always be that we will be blessed with a little one shares both of our DNA.  But, we need to remember that we have plenty of gifts to give a child that we can bestow upon them even if we aren't biologically related to them.  So regardless of the DNA, our children will always be a representation of the best of us.  I have very strong opinions on nature vs. nurture and I can guarantee you I wouldn't be half the person I am today without the people who raised me, loved me, set me straight when I made  mistakes, were proud of me when I did well, and guided me through some very tough situations.   Because of this I know, that whatever happens, we will be okay.