Tony and I met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist this afternoon. We received what I would call mixed news. It was decided that we will proceed with our third, and we learned, final IVF attempt.
It's very interesting how this all turned out. I have been praying and praying for guidance on what to do with our next round of IVF. Tony and I have gone back and forth regarding whether we should take some time off and wait ninety days or so, or proceed immediately. When we talked about praying over it, Tony assured me that when I got an answer, I would know I had the answer. Well, I prayed and prayed. I phrased and re-phrased my question. And I felt...nothing. Nothing different. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until today, when I wasn't praying. We were sitting in a consultation room with the doctor, and we'd been told we can try again. The doctor continued, to tell us that the lab will be closed for two weeks over the holidays, and we most likely just missed the window to complete our cycle prior to the lab closing in December. So, most likely I'll start my prep cycle in December, and we'll be proceeding in January. I'd say that's a pretty clear answer, wouldn't you?
If any of you reading are unfamiliar with how IVF works, here's a brief synopsis (if you already know, or this is too much information, please skip to the next paragraph):
I take birth control for 3 weeks after a menstrual cycle to keep my ovaries "quiet." After the start of my next menstrual cycle, I begin injecting medications (2) into my stomach every night. After a couple of days we add the third injection. During this time I go to the doctor every two days for ultrasounds to monitor my egg follicles so we have an estimate of how many eggs are being produced and how big each one is. At the end of approximately two weeks, when the follicles have almost fully developed, I give myself a fourth and sometimes fifth injection (these two are done alone). One of them stimulates a final burst of growth in the follicles. The other triggers a release of the eggs. I have to take these two injections exactly 36 hours prior to my egg retrieval. During the egg retrieval I am lightly sedated (I have zero recollection of the past two). There is an embryologist present and the doctor retrieves the eggs guided by ultrasound. We find out how many we have before we leave the clinic, but have no idea how many are mature. At that point the embryologist uses a process called ICSI in which he/she injects individual sperm into each mature egg. We find out the following day how many fertilize. Depending on the number of embryos created and the quality of each embryo a date is set for the embryo transfer. This will either be three days post egg retrieval or five days post-retrieval.
Because we are still unsure whether or not we are dealing with an egg quality issue, most likely we will be fertilizing half of the eggs we get with Tony's sperm, and half with donor sperm. This will give us a better idea as to where our biggest obstacle is. Having to use a donor anything is a very humbling experience, and I will continue saying prayers knowing that in the end this is all out of my control and what is meant to be will be. Regardless of how it comes to be, the main goal is for Tony and I to have a baby. There will be no difference in the love that child is given whether it shares one or both of our DNA.
Having said that, I would like to share a little bit about how this feels for us emotionally. Tony is a trooper. I cannot tell you enough how he impresses me each day with his kindness and compassion for my feelings as we deal with this entire process. Let me tell you, chivalry is NOT dead. This man would do anything to protect me. And I mean anything. This includes volunteering to have us use donor sperm to try to rule out the egg quality issue. He knows how hard of a time I'm having accepting that.
What some of you may know, and many may not, is that I am adopted. I have always known I was adopted, it's never bothered me -- in fact it's something I was quite proud of when I was a little girl. I haven't been loved any less; in many ways I feel like it made me a little bit more loved. I couldn't be closer to my family; I actually love pretty fiercely and have extreme loyalty to my family. Family comes first. Always. Here comes the "but." But...I've always wondered what it would feel like to have a child that is biologically connected to me. In that way I don't think I'm any different from any other woman who wants to have children. But there's something else. Something that brings tears to my eyes when I think of not having it. There are things I long for -- to have someone around who looks like me, someone who has my tendencies and quirks. Someone who has my eyes, or my smile...I've never really known what that feels like that until fairly recently. Now, I am fortunate enough that I have met both my biological parents. What makes me really, really lucky is that my mom, dad, and step-mom (those whom I call my parents) are totally okay with the fact that I know and spend time with my biological parents. We could say that I have five incredible role models who have each taught me in their own way what it means to be selfless and to love unconditionally. They've all done things for me or made sacrifices solely for the purpose of making my life better. I think that is the key I need to keep in mind. Tony and I will do what we need to do to love and provide for our children, no matter how they come to us. Best case scenario will always be that we will be blessed with a little one shares both of our DNA. But, we need to remember that we have plenty of gifts to give a child that we can bestow upon them even if we aren't biologically related to them. So regardless of the DNA, our children will always be a representation of the best of us. I have very strong opinions on nature vs. nurture and I can guarantee you I wouldn't be half the person I am today without the people who raised me, loved me, set me straight when I made mistakes, were proud of me when I did well, and guided me through some very tough situations. Because of this I know, that whatever happens, we will be okay.
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