A Front Row Seat

Today I'm struggling.  Trying to remain optimistic, but feeling like it's a struggle to keep my head above water.  I have so much going on.  I'm going to repeat that:  I have so. much. going. on.  Everyone says the more stressed you are the more difficult it is to conceive.  How do you find a balance between keeping up with your professional and personal responsibilities without allowing it to stress you out? Please, if you find a concrete answer, let me know.

Unfortunately, fertility takes a prominent seat in the front row of your life when you are the person or people striving to overcome its challenges.  And when it's not right there in the foreground, it's lurking somewhere not too far away.  I feel like it is with me wherever I go.  Like an invisible badge sewn to all my clothing, it is represents all the stress I just can't shake.  Throughout this process, I need to shake the stress.  I have to remain strong and optimistic.  But tonight, I can't.  Tonight I feel the need to allow myself to be a little bit scared; to let the what-ifs run through my mind.  Because in the end, regardless of the outcome of this next IVF cycle, I have to be prepared.  

Tonight my professor asked me "What happened last week?" because I'd done poorly on a test and I'd alluded to the fact that I'd had a rough week.  I answered him through broken sobs as tears ran down my face.  Just when I thought I'd moved on from grieving the cycle that didn't work, I was overcome with sadness once again.  I think what scares me the most is that I now feel like we have this looming deadline.  It'll be this time or never.  And I know that isn't going to help me remain stress-free.  

I was prompted to look up some scripture after having a good cry on my way home.  I couldn't have found a more perfect verse.  It has to do with God's timing.  I found a reference to our church's magazine, the Ensign, online.  One particular article, found here, really put things into perspective for me.  In case you opted out of the link, the part that really resonated with me was a quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926 - 2004) in which he said:

           "The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust His timing.  If we can truly believe that He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

Probably even more promising than the aforementioned words was the story that went with it.  It was a story of a woman who, after two surgeries, was told she'd never be able to have biological children of her own.  I'll let you read to find out what happened, but beware that you may shed a tear or two as the story unfolds.  I did.  But, then again, I'd also had the waterworks going before I started reading the article :)

Even thought the process as a whole is scary, and we don't have any way of knowing how things will turn out, I already feel calmer, stronger and on more solid ground.  I have found solace in my faith.  I know that miracles happen, for nothing is "too hard for the Lord (Genesis 18:14).   It will be these words that comfort me as I drift off to dream tonight.  

Thanks for being here, for reading, and for lifting us up with your love and support.  Even though I don't know who exactly reads these ol' posts of mine, I appreciate each and every one of you for supporting this page.  Knowing that people are praying for, rooting for, and thinking of Tony and I means more than you'll ever know.