Doctor Visit

Tony and I had a great visit at the doctor today.  We didn't get a whole lot in the way of answers, but we do have a plan.  The doctor made some suggestions as to things we could test in an attempt to figure out why I have experienced two miscarriages.  I had a LOT of blood drawn.  They did a recurrent pregnancy loss panel, which tests for several autoimmune diseases (lupus was one I heard mentioned).  They also wanted to test for my vitamin D levels, and a bunch of other stuff.  The doctor did suggest doing karyotype testing, which is the genetic testing of the chromosomes that I mentioned in my previous post.  We declined for today, as we weren't sure whether or not my insurance covers that one and it is quite expensive.  

We did get the "go ahead" to proceed with our frozen embryo transfer.  We also discussed with the doctor that we would like to transfer two the next time.  I will be done taking birth control on Sunday.  Once I get a period, I start the estradiol on day 1, go in for a baseline ultrasound and on we go!

Follow-up

We're off to meet with the doctor today for our follow-up appointment.  I apologize for my absence lately, life has been crazy-busy and school has been kicking my butt.  When I spoke to the nurse as I was making the appointment for today she had a few pointers for me as to what the doctor may suggest today.  There are two blood tests that we can have done to see if there is a definitive cause as to why I have had two miscarriages in a row.  The first would be a blood test panel that looks for different clotting disorders that can prevent a positive outcome to a pregnancy.  It is my understanding that if this were the case there are measures we can take to help the situation that would result in an actual baby.  The second would be to do genetic testing to see whether there is something in one of our genes that is preventing our embryos from growing past a certain stage.  She explained that we each have 23 pairs of chromosomes (46 total), and if even one tiny part of one of those switched places with another it could affect the outcome of a pregnancy.  I'm not sure what our course of action would be if that were the case.  We have a total of six embryos left, and several of them are from our donor which would leave us with a sliver of hope that those could potentially work.

In the meantime I have been on a strict portion-control lifestyle change, and have been working out everyday.  I feel better about myself and have made up my mind that I'm going to stick with this.  In my heart I believe this will help us find the ending we are so longing for.

I'm starting a new job this evening at a local food market, but will update on our doctor visit when I can!  Thank you all for your continued love and support!

Things are looking up!

We had a miscarriage.  It was confirmed on Monday -- my hCG was at 0.6, a negative pregnancy result.  Even though that was the case, for some reason we processed this news much better this time than we did last summer.  Perhaps it is because last year's "event" was long and drawn out over many weeks of blood testing every 48 hours.   This time, I feel like I grieved "hard and fast," and had no choice but to be busy with my classes (oh, Biochemistry, we don't have the best relationship).  I made the choice to focus on the future and it seems to be working well so far.

When the nurse called on Monday, she surprised me with a prescription for birth control.  This means I have already begun my prep cycle for the frozen embryo transfer.  I also found out (when I filled the prescription) that I still have health insurance -- another bonus!  Looks like that may continue into August.  And, we will hopefully be doing the frozen embryo transfer in August as well.  We couldn't be more thrilled with this news -- we were told initially that we'd have to wait an additional month before beginning this prep cycle.  I didn't question it, we just went with it!  Tony and I are both doing well, we just got back from a quick family trip to Wisconsin Dells with his mom, brother, sister, two nieces and nephew.  We had a wonderful time, but are exhausted!  We hope to recover as the weekend begins.  I have my second exam in Biochemistry tomorrow, so I should sign off now and get back to studying.

Before I go, I will continue with my "31 Days of Blogging Challenge" and leave you with a photo that is my current favorite of myself (that was the day 3 challenge).  I chose this photo because even though my hair is a mess and Tony isn't smiling, we are surviving.  We have grieved, but we remain a strong pair.  I am so grateful that I can allow myself to smile and enjoy the little things in life, regardless of what "big things" we are going through.  As always, thanks for your love, prayers and support!

Day 2 of the 31 Days of Blogging Challenge

These are in no particular order:

1.  Being in love with, and spending time with my husband
2.  Curling up with a good book
3.  Getting to wake up whenever my body feels it is ready (ie no alarm)
4.  Having such loving and supportive family and friends
5.  Photography
6.  Taking steps to make this career change
7.  Being faithful, showing my faith, going to church
8.  Dancing (while singing)
9.  Holding babies
10.  Being strong enough to see the positive in rough situations

31 Days of Blogging Challenge

To begin I am supposed to write the story of my life in 250 words or less.  Tricky.  If you're counting my words, start after the colon!  

Here goes:

I was born in Dayton, OH.  I am adopted. I attended elementary school at Elm Creative Arts School, in Milwaukee.  It was there I found my passion for the arts, as well as dear friends and so many wonderful teachers to inspire me to love learning.  In middle school, I moved to Poynette, WI to live with my dad and step-mom.  I stayed in Poynette through high school.  I graduated in 1998 and went on to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison.  I taught high school Spanish from 2003-2014.  My most recent stint was at Milwaukee School of Languages.  Teaching is rewarding, and teaching is stressful.  In an attempt to reduce my stress level, and to try to start a family, I resigned from teaching this past June.  I am currently enrolled at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee as a full-time nursing student.

I met the love of my life on eHarmony in June 2009.  We were married 6.17.11, and I couldn’t ask for someone more supportive or loving to be by my side.  In all, I would say my life story includes me doing my best with every step I take.  I have made mistakes, I have learned from them, and I have very few regrets.  Some of the hardest experiences of my life have allowed me to grow in the most positive of ways.  And all of those experiences drove me to rely more and more on my faith – it is certainly a cornerstone in the foundation of my life.

The Wait

I'm feeling okay, extremely crampy, but okay.  I had a long day at school today and had to fight myself not to lie down on the floor and curl myself into a little ball, but I made it.

Around 2:45 p.m. I received a call from one of the nurses at our doctor's office.  We had a nice chat, and I was able to learn some more information about our upcoming wait.

First, I have to wait for "this" to pass.  I have to wait for my hCG level to reach zero.  She said that, according to my symptoms, she expects the number to reflect a negative pregnancy test when I go in on Monday.  I can only hope and pray she is right.  Please don't misunderstand me.  If I thought we had any chance of saving this pregnancy I would be all over that chance.  But, I'm 99% convinced it is indeed a loss.  What I would like to avoid is what we went through last summer; I do not want to go in for blood tests every 48 hours and continue to do so for several weeks while we wait for the number to drop.  I would like a clean break of it so we can focus on what needs to happen next.

You may find yourself asking "and what does need to happen next?"  After "this" is done, we wait for the next cycle to start.  once it does, I can begin taking birth control again to quiet my ovaries.  That will last for three weeks.  After that, we should be okay to begin whatever the treatment will be to prepare the uterus for the next embryo transfer, which will be completed with at least one (I'm back to leaning towards doing two after this experience) of our frozen embryos.

In other news, I applied for several jobs today.  I've decided I need to start now in trying to make sure we're financially ready to take this next step in our journey.  I'm completely unaccustomed to not having employer-provided insurance...and let me tell you -- when it sinks in that you no longer have it, it's kind of freaky.  I would most like to be hired at Trader Joe's, a grocery store.  They offer benefits, even to their part-time employees.  They also treat their employees very well and have a more "small town" feel than many of the big chain grocery stores.  I also applied at Sendik's, another food market in the Milwaukee Area.  I will also be applying at Outpost Natural Foods.  Are you noticing a  trend here?  One of the many jobs I held when I was younger (and not a professional yet) was as a cashier in a grocery store.  It was one of my most favorite jobs ever.  I loved getting to chat with people when they came through the line.  I'm not gonna lie, I also loved working the cash register (yes, I'm a geek)!  I decided that if I'm going to work, I might as well do something I enjoy that will have flexible hours that can work around my school schedule.  It wouldn't hurt either to have a place to buy groceries where I have the potential to receive a discount.  We'll have to wait and see where this goes!

I've been looking into doing a 31 day blog challenge.  I think it might be a good way to give me ideas on what to blog about without dwelling on our recent loss.  It's going to be more than 31 days until I have any real news anyway, so if you see the blog challenge show up in my posts, you know why!

The Day After

What does life look like the day after your doctor tells you that the pregnancy you were so excited about is about to end in a miscarriage?   For us it looks something like this:

Wake up at 6:45 a.m., together.  Brush your teeth, decide you don't have the energy to shower.  If you're Rachel, you throw on yoga pants and a t-shirt for class.  For Tony it's shorts, a t-shirt and tennis shoes.  Fill your water bottles.  Make sure you have your bag with all your materials in it, you're going to need them today.  Drive in a heavy silence to the UWM campus.  One of you might be quiet, listening to music and thinking.  The other is also thinking, but with tears running down her face.  You try to talk to each other, but what words are enough to tell your partner you know they are hurting too and you are there for them?  The morning ride passes in a blur.  You feel crampy and all-around icky as you get nearer and nearer to campus.  There is some hand holding.  Finally, you reach campus and park.  You've gotten to class almost forty minutes early.  You turn to each other, and everything clicks into place.  You are going to be okay, both of you.  And the reason you're going to be okay is because you have each other.

You kiss each other goodbye, tell each other "I love you."  You get out of the car and put one foot in front of the next.  Keep doing this, this is what is going to get you through today, and tomorrow, and the next day after that.  You go to lecture, try to read the current chapter in order to prepare for the day's quiz.  The lecture begins and your professor makes no sense.  You scramble to copy the notes, becoming more and more confused and frustrated by the second.  You start to cry.  In the middle of a lecture with at least fifty people in it, you start to cry.  You manage to gather your thoughts and keep the crying to a minimum.  You take a quiz.  You may have bombed the quiz, you really don't know (or care).  Class is released early, and you go upstairs to wait for lab.

The guy you're supposed to meet with for lab today isn't in his office.  You go downstairs to meet with the second check-in person.  They aren't in their office either.  You debate going to regular lab, because hey, your doctor says you're miscarrying anyway.  Maybe it would be better to just get that transition over with.  Then again, when you enter the lab and try to explain to the teaching assistant why you're there you begin to cry again.  Better to just drop off your lab from last week and go sit in the hall.  Finally, about five minutes past the start time of lab, the guy you're waiting for turns up.  You manage to stumble through all the lab questions, only encountering a few moments of awkward silence in which the air is heavy with knowledge that the likelihood of this pregnancy ending in a positive manner is slim to none.  Neither of you know what to say, and the moments pass.

Now it's 12:00.  You have discussion at 12:30.  You go outside for some fresh air, only to find it's rather chilly.  You sit out there as long as you can with goosebumps riddling your arms and legs...and then you get hit with a big, fat raindrop.  You get up and go sit inside the classroom, waiting for discussion to begin.  You go over your exam and the discussion becomes quite heated as students argue with the teaching assistant over the grading system.  You join in here, and allow yourself to get quite vocal.  You now have an outlet for some of the emotions swirling around inside of you, and it feels awesome to feel something and not be crying.  There is no resolution to the argument, but it sure felt good to let off steam anyway.

Discussion ends at 1:20.  You go out to the car where your husband is waiting for you.  As you approach the car you realize your step is lighter, your movements not so heavy.  It is as you open the door to give him a big smile and a kiss that you realize your heart has mended since yesterday.  There are still broken pieces scattered all around, but it is put together enough that you can see a light at the end of this tunnel.  Your mind starts planning -- you have a burning desire to move forward with renewed faith and fervor.  What needs to be done in order to start the next cycle?

In the meantime your husband is quiet.  When you ask how he is doing, he says "alright, just down.  But that's normal."  And it hits you then how differently the two of you grieve.  You know yourself, and keeping yourself busy is the best thing for you.  He doesn't operate that way.  He watched some t.v., did some solo thinking, and went to the gym.  Again, you reach out to hold his hand.  You discuss what's for lunch.  Then you go home, snuggle with him and the dog, and watch a movie.

Life is okay -- not great, maybe not even good, but okay.  You have a sense of peace about the situation, along with a small seed of hope for the unknown that the future will bring.  And you know there's no one other than your husband with whom you'd prefer to end "the day after."

7/7/14 Update 2

It is with a heavy heart that I write to tell you that our hCG level dropped to 18.  The doctor is classifying this as a miscarriage. We aren't really sure what went wrong, something prevented the embryo from continuing to grow.  Our doctor was as shocked as we were, and had no explanation for us.  I will be calling to speak more with him once I gather my thoughts. We so appreciate all your kind words and thoughts, thanks for sticking with us!

Update

Tony and I are currently on our way to Froedtert for a blood test. Funny little story, I thought I'd gain some reassurance yesterday by taking a home pregnancy test. The first was a cheapie, and came back negative! So I ran out and bought a digital one, and got a positive result (phew). Anyhow, for some dumb reason I took another test this morning "just to be sure."  It came back negative.  I get up between 5-6 times a night, so I know I didn't have the first-morning pee you should have when taking these tests...but I freaked out anyway. So the doctor ordered a blood test to see where the numbers are at. I'm doing my best to keep the faith. I've come up with a million and one reasons this could be a false negative.  Just wanted to ask (again) for your prayers and positive thoughts.  Behind the brave faces Tony and I are both very nervous! 

Why, hello there :)

The past week or so has been very strange.  I cannot adequately put into words what it is like to be poked and prodded every 48 hours in order to make sure everything is progressing well, only to hear "okay, come in two weeks for your first ultrasound" once your numbers have reached the desired level.  I did not enjoy being on pins and needles as we waited for each of those test results, but I did like the reassurance those numbers provided.

I apologize for being m.i.a. here as well.  School is keeping me busy, busy, busy.  I am currently taking two courses, one online and one "in person."  The online course is going well, and will be ending soon.  It is a course on leadership in health care administration.  This is not at ALL up my alley.  I just thought it would be good to know how "the other side" thinks, operates, and learns.  This is something that I hope will help me in my future career as a nurse.  The second course is a required one:  biochemistry.  So far we've been doing organic chemistry, which hasn't been as bad as I was expecting.  For some reason as an undergrad those two words were enough to strike fear into my heart.  I haven't done as well on some of the assessments as I'd like to, but then again I am also refreshing all my chemistry skills for the first time in fifteen years...so I'm okay with that.  And, as a wise aunt told me recently, my priorities are starting to change in that I have more important things on my mind than getting the elusive "A."

Along with biochemistry lecture and discussion, I also have a biochemistry lab.  This has been part of the reason I've been so absent.  It has taken a lot of time and energy to come up with a solution I am comfortable with in taking this lab.  I spent one morning in the required lab space, and then spent the rest of the day (and part of the next) recovering from the fumes that made me sick.  We have found a solution that I'm super happy with -- I meet one-on-one with the lab supervisor, I am able to ask questions and watch videos of the reactions.  I demonstrate the laboratory skills with water and salt/sand, and then am given dry data sets to complete the lab paperwork.  The guy I'm working with is so knowledgeable, and I am truly grateful for the fact that the university was willing to work with me.  Otherwise, I'd have to postpone this program by a year.  There's no way that can happen!

Other than school, I just find myself adjusting to life as a pregnant lady (one who sometimes yearns for those 48 hour reassuring appointments).  The hormone changes are leaving both Tony and I shocked at times.  I constantly find myself questioning my feelings about things, trying to decide if the things that are currently offending me or hurting my feelings are appropriate or hormone-induced.  Usually with a little soul searching it is easy to decipher.  It basically comes down to the fact that what hurts my feelings are the same things that have always hurt my feelings; I cannot stand being the friend doing everything she can to be helpful, only to be left out in the end.  I am so, so grateful for the true friends I have, and hope they know that they are never taken for granted.

In all, this period of adjustment is allowing me time to learn how my priorities are changing.  I'm learning to stand up for myself to get what I feel is best for me and this baby, and that is a lesson that cannot be measured.

We have a schedule!

Our first ultrasound is scheduled to take place on Monday, July 14, 2014 at 1:00 p.m.  I will be seven weeks pregnant at the time of this ultrasound.  The nurse informed me that we may be able to hear Baby B's heartbeat at that time.  Holy exciting!

Although this is all great news, and a lot to look forward to, we ask that you continue to send your prayers and positive thoughts our way.  It is unfortunate, but true, that early pregnancy is so, so fragile.  I realize that many people out there may feel that we took a huge risk sharing this news so incredibly early, and I would have to agree with them.  Tony and I discussed this very issue prior to me getting all "hot and heavy" with blog writing again.  In the end we decided that we wanted to keep our friends and family informed as much as possible, partially because we wanted to feel their love and support.  We know firsthand that (in)fertility can be a difficult process.  Additionally, I decided that if I walked all of you through all these procedures, made you wait for every little milestone, it would be really rude of me to just take a break from writing for twelve weeks while we made sure everything was okay.  Not to mention that would make things rather obvious anyhow.  And I would never lie and tell people I'm not pregnant when I am.  I'm hoping that anyone reading this can understand and respect our choice to share our news incredibly early.  We continue to pray that everything progresses normally!  Your participation in this by way of prayers and positivity is more important to us than the risks of sharing too early.  In the end, we'll need your support either way :)

I don't intend to take any kind of hiatus between now and the ultrasound.  I'll have to come up with something to write about!  Love to you all!

Beta Test 4

I'm currently waiting for my lab to start, but wanted to share with you my latest test results! Drumroll please...today my HCG was at 540.5! The doc is happy with the increase and our next step is to schedule an ultrasound. I will update again when I have more information! Woohoo!