Broadway

Who doesn't love Broadway?  I have yet to convince Tony we need to take a trip to NYC for him to experience Broadway "for real."  In fact, sometimes I have a hard time convincing him to experience "Broadway" in Milwaukee.  This is why, for Mother's Day this year, I purchased a pair of tickets to five shows for some mom-n-me time.

Tonight we attended our first performance, White Christmas.  Our night was darn near perfect.  We started off having a fabulous dinner at Motor, a restaurant at the Harley Davidson Museum.  The atmosphere was wonderful, and the food was awesome.  It was so nice to have some time with my mom -- just the two of us.  From there we headed to the Marcus Center.  Although our seats were pretty high up, we had good views just the same.  The music was phenomenal, and so much of it followed along with how the movie is scripted.  In fact, there were only a couple of songs I didn't recognize.

It never, ever, fails.  White Christmas gets me in the mood for Christmas like no other movie.  Tonight while watching there were even a few scenes that put a tear in my eyes.  Now, any of you who know me know that this is normal.  I'm a complete sap.  There's something remarkable about feel-good holiday tears that just get me in the spirit.  Yeah, yeah, I'm a weirdo.

If any of you have the opportunity to catch this performance traveling through a city near you, I'd highly recommend it.  And, if you're ever in the Milwaukee area, you have my recommendation to eat at Motor -- yum!

Tonight made me thankful that I decided to splurge a little bit and get these tickets.  Not just because it gave me time to spend with my mom.  But also because it gave me a chance to enjoy something I truly enjoy -- something I don't get to do as often as I'd like.  I am so looking forward to seeing the next four musicals on the schedule.  And, I'm already planning how I can make this work for next season as well.  Who knows, maybe I'll be able to convince Tony to go!

In January we will be seeing War Horse.  Tonight while waiting an eternity in line for something to drink (we missed the beginning of Act II because the lines were running so far behind) I was able to catch a glimpse of a huge display explaining how they created the contraption used to be "Joey" from War Horse.  Looked pretty amazing and just made me more excited to see the show.

I can't remember all the months and the orders of the shows, but I know we will also be seeing Evita, Phantom of the Opera, and Flashdance.  Of the five total shows that we're scheduled to see the only one I've seen previously is Phantom.  So, so excited that we live in a city where Broadway shows such as these come through town.  And I feel so thankful that I was able to purchase these tickets so we can enjoy them.

With that, I bid you all adieu.  I have a yoga video and my nice, comfy bed awaiting me...oh yeah, and my husband, too (I should add he's sound asleep sawing logs as I type)! :)

Procrastination & Thankfulness

Lately, whenever I find myself facing the daunting task of school work I find inspiration to write this blog!  Don't get me wrong, I don't only write when I'm trying to avoid other tasks.  The truth is that I feel like I'm addicted to the feeling of journaling and letting everything go.  I find myself planning out what I want to write about, tossing ideas around in my head, and sometimes even asking Tony what he thinks about a topic or two (that doesn't necessarily mean I will listen if he says he doesn't like them)!  Some might look at the beginning of this post and think I'm making excuses for my procrastinating tendencies...I'm not.  I take full responsibility for the fact that I tend to procrastinate.  I can say that I do much better getting things done early than I used to do.  My main purpose in writing my blog before I do homework is so that I can concentrate.  I have a lot of ideas, but usually once I publish a post I'm good for at least a few hours of relaxation before another one starts taking shape (and here you're thinking, thank goodness, right?).

Given that it's Thanksgiving I didn't really think that I could get away without touching on what I'm thankful for this year.  I'm thankful for so many things -- and I really try to show my thanks and be grateful throughout the year.  I'm so, so, so grateful for my family.  This includes extended family.  I treasure my relatives. I know that even though we don't spend every holiday together now that we're all growing older and branching out on our individual paths we still matter to each other.  There's always an open-door policy and I know Tony and I could show up and we'd be welcome...that means so much, and there are so many people in this world who have no one.  Definitely makes this gal feel humble.

Tony getting spun around

Tony "pinning" the hat on the turkey

I'm thankful that my family has a sense of humor.  After our first Turkey Dinner today we played a game of "Pin the Hat on the Turkey."  Most of us did alright -- some of us wandered into the hallway, or put the hat on a completely different door!  We did have fun though, and the winner (neither Tony nor I) went home with a cute little ceramic bird.


I'm thankful that I have a warm home and a loving husband.  I'm so thankful that I have faith and hope -- I'm learning my faith gets stronger everyday.  I am grateful for the knowledge that God has a plan for all of us, and that I can let Him do the heavy lifting...all I need to do is trust.  I'm thankful that forgiveness exists and I'm humbled by the many times it is offered to me, especially the times when I think I don't deserve it.

Finally, I'm thankful for good friends.  I know I don't see some of them often, nor do we talk like we should.  It's amazing to me that we can pick up where we left off -- and I never want this to change.  I'm amazed at how many former students I also call good friends; this makes me feel good (and it helps to keep me not feeling so old :)).

I wish you all many blessings as we enter into the Christmas season.  If you're headed out into the madness of Black Friday (and even if you're not) -- stay safe & warm!  As for me, we're back to that topic of procrastination.  I have an eight-page research paper due on Sunday at 11:45 p.m.  I keep saying I'm going to start.  I have some research done -- it's all printed off, including the citations I'll need at the end.  This is by far the worst assignment of the semester as far as my procrastinating goes.  I've thought of all the ways to get out of it and so far none have worked.  I even searched my old computer to see if I had one of my papers from when I got my Masters Degree in Educational Psychology.  Unfortunately for me, those files were all on my computer that was stolen out of my storage shed.  Hey it's not plagiarism if I wrote it, right?  *Sigh*  Alright, this is my sign-off, my over and out...I'm onto doing starting my paper.  That's all I'm going to promise, tonight, folks.  I will type something, I promise!  :)

Inocente

As I began my last workday before heading into the Thanksgiving holiday I found myself searching for inspiration.  I'm grateful for my family and friends every day...and though I typically find this to be "enough," this year I wanted something more.

As the day commenced, I decided to change up my lesson plan in hopes of finding something special to leave my students with today; something they might consider as they sit down with their families to give thanks in the days to come.  I'm not sure exactly how it happened -- the idea came out of nowhere.  As I sat at my desk searching my brain for something to do that would be appropriate for the season, whilst not breaking any religious rules, it came to me.

Earlier this year at the Oscars there was one particular film that caught my eye.  After watching the Oscars I searched for it immediately, only to find out it hadn't yet been released.  Today I had to use Google to figure out the name of the film...all I could remember was that it had to do with a young Latina girl and her art.

What. A. Find.  Today I was able to share the heartwarming, sometimes sad, poignant story of this young woman with my classes.  And I tell you this -- you could have heard a pin drop in any one of my four classes.  Now, that would be a great thing on a normal day...on the day before Thanksgiving break, it was A-MA-ZING!

I urge you all, when you have forty minutes (and maybe some tissue), take a look at "Inocente."  This story of a 15 year-old homeless girl who follows her passion to create art is endearing. Her journey leads you through many difficult situations, high and low emotions, and in the end leaves you inspired.  I can't recommend it enough.  In fact, I bought the film on iTunes this afternoon.

As an aside, I must share that as well as this turned out today, technology does not always happen easily in the classroom.  During my first class of the day today, this was no exception.  Without fail when I plan any kind of lesson with technology something goes wrong.  After a half an hour trying to get the film to load a miracle happened and we were able to get started.  Can I tell you what it's like to have 42 freshmen sitting and waiting for you to get the ball rolling?  One thing is for certain -- it's not quiet.  At all.  The librarian was able to give me a longer cord so we were able to be hooked into the network as opposed to using the wireless connection.  Not sure what else he did, but, it finally worked.  Phew!

I wish you all a wonderful Holiday Weekend with your family, friends and loved ones.  Travel safely, laugh loudly and enjoy those around you this weekend and always!

Dairy Free

I'm in about week six of trying to eat and live dairy free.  Did I mention I'm from Wisconsin?  Dairy-free sucks.  But, slowly, I'm learning to do it and to even enjoy it sometimes.  Of course I'm looking forward to the days when I can enjoy some cheese and crackers and not feel like I'm ruining all my chances when, like today, I had a slice two slices of pizza.  C'mon, it was Papa Murphy's stuffed pizza.  We were watching the Packer game and I couldn't resist.

Tonight, I tried to make up for it.  I'm not sure that I've counteracted the effects yet...but I sure found a good recipe.  One of the other dietary instructions I have is to increase my consumption of green leafy vegetables.  I'm not super picky -- I could easily throw together a spinach salad or something and get in a ton of the vitamins and nutrients I need.

The problem is that in my diagnosis in Traditional Chinese Medicine I am to avoid all "cold" foods.  You'd be surprised as what foods are listed as "cold," and what that requirement entails.  No foods directly out of the refrigerator.  No cold drinks (I cheat on this one a little bit -- I take the drink out of the refrigerator awhile before I'm going to drink it).  Right now, for example, I'm enjoying a moderately cold glass of chocolate almond milk.  Just an aside -- if any of you readers are sensitive to lactose or are looking for lactose-free alternatives, I highly recommend this (especially if you like chocolate milk).  I cannot taste a difference from "regular" chocolate milk, and there's over double the calcium.  No cucumbers, lettuce, cold spinach...the list goes on and on.

So, I have to find ways to get these nutrients in warm foods that I can tolerate.  One of my guilty pleasures has always been spinach artichoke dip.  Can we say yum?  You may have noticed, however, that there is usually a lot of cheese in the aforementioned dip.  So, I did what anyone in today's world does (at least I think this is what they would do).  I went to my #1 resource:  Google.  And, lo and behold I found a recipe that was dairy-free.  There's an interesting ingredient though, cashew cream.  You soak raw cashews in water overnight, drain them, and then put them in a food processor or blender with 1 cup purified water.  The result is a creamy looking concoction that has very little taste or smell...but adds a tremendous amount of texture (similar to that of dairy products).  I'm in love.

You can find the recipe here.  Within the recipe, there's a link to the cashew cream.  However, if you don't find it for any reason, click here.  Hope you enjoy!

And now, I bid you all goodnight.  I'm off to do my fertility yoga and then dream sweet dreams.  Until tomorrow, my friends!

Date Night

In every marriage I think there's a struggle to keep things new and exciting between you and your partner.  It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane day-to-day events.  I don't think any healthy marriage is without disagreements, differences of opinion, or arguments.  At least, I hope that each partner in a relationship has a healthy enough self-image to develop their own opinions and voice them (whether they are the same or different than their partner's).

Tony and I have always worked very hard at keeping our relationship fun.  Although the ways we spend our time might baffle those around us we truly, truly, enjoy the time we spend together.  I had to smile this week when on Facebook I found the following photo:

I'd never given much thought to our philosophy, but I think it this sums it up pretty darn well.  We certainly don't have a lot of money...yet we try to do things that we both enjoy.  One of the things we do is share books.  Whenever we're on a long trip, Tony drives (unless, of course I'm being a backseat driver and frustrating the heck out of him...then I drive).  We started with the Twilight series.  Tony soon became what he calls a "Twi-dork," and we read all four of the books.  We hadn't found a series he'd liked quite as much until lately when we read The Hunger Games (well, the second and third books).  Tony really enjoys seeing a movie first and then reading the books.  He likes to be able to put the characters' names to faces.  So this Friday, for $20, we were able to see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.  What a great film!  I felt like it stuck pretty closely to the storyline of the book, and it's definitely one I'd recommend!  We were supposed to go out to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend afterward (it was a double-date at the movie).  Luckily for me, Tony was on the same page as I was and we just jetted home to hit the hay.  We're just not used to late nights anymore :)

Sometimes we go for walks with the dog.  Other times we take a leisurely drive down the coast of Lake Michigan and hit all the county parks along the way.  Other times we go to the grocery store to pick out something both of us want...and then we go home, pick out a movie and eat in bed (*gasp*).

Honestly, one of the reasons I know my husband and I are doing alright is that I can be so mad at him -- I mean steaming mad, ready to pull my hair out...and then he gives me a look and it's all I can do not to burst out laughing.  This wonderful man makes me laugh.  And laugh, and laugh, and laugh.  How could I ask for anything more?  The truth is, I shouldn't ask for more...but sometimes I do.  And you know what?  He delivers.  He understands me when I'm hormonally crazy (and regular crazy sometimes, too).  He knows when I need to be held, when I need a good cry, and when I need to be put in my place (that part I don't always appreciate as much, haha).

Don't get me wrong, Tony and I have been through a lot together.  In the four years and five months that we've been together we've had some major challenges we've had to deal with.  Things have not been smooth and sunshiny the entire time.  We didn't get through the rough times alone.  We sought out people to help us help each other.  I am not ashamed to say that we still see a counselor to help us as we try to cope with life.  Not only do we have the every day stresses that any married couple face, we are also facing head-on a diagnosis of unexplained infertility.  The lessons we've learned about each other and ourselves as a couple are invaluable.

As tough some of the struggles we've had have been, I wouldn't give them back or trade them for anything.  Because of those times I can confidently say that my husband and I are together for the right reasons.  I can say that my husband knows me inside and out.  And I, a person who has many insecurities, can tell you that I know without a shadow of a doubt that my husband loves me and would do anything for me.  I think that makes me a pretty lucky gal.  I know it sure makes me a happy one.

Breakdown

The longer I'm in the classroom the more I find myself wondering when "the times" changed.  Have I become old and prudish?  When did the "F" word become an acceptable part of daily language...even for adults?  I can distinctly recall the very few swear words that I heard adults say (in real life and on t.v.) when I was growing up, and I assure you the "F" word wasn't one of them.  As one of my favorite holiday movies explains about a time when the main character slipped and used the F word:  "I didn't say "Fudge."  I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the F-dash-dash-dash word!"  Who can name the movie? :) 

It's not just the "F" word.  I feel like behaviors (adolescent and adult alike) are so volatile in so many ways.  Maybe I'm more sensitive to these behaviors because of my line of work, maybe I'm being overly sensitive in general.  All I know for sure is that I'm getting overwhelmed with the disrespect I see and experience on a daily basis and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Standing in the hallway at school before and in-between classes, my ears are bombarded with foul language.  I can't count the number of times I hear curse words in a day...and sometimes feel like I might not even notice or hear all of the offenders because I'm becoming desensitized.  That bothers me, a lot.  I'm not saying everyone should have to regulate their language around me.  I'm not even saying that I don't use this language from time to time.  I am saying that for my students to be using this language in front of and TO me is unacceptable.  There is a time and a place, and specific audiences around whom it's less offensive.  It saddens me to know that many of the young people I come into contact with each day don't know the difference because somehow, some way, they haven't been taught.  

Today was a rough day for me as a teacher.  I broke down three minutes before my fourth hour class was supposed to start.  Why?  I can't tell you exactly why because I'm not really sure myself.   All I know is that one minute I was disciplining a student, the next I was trying to find a guidance counselor to talk with that student, and when I finally explained the situation I burst into tears.  And they didn't stop.  

As I explained to my Assistant Principal who saw me crying in the hall on my way to class, I don't know how to keep teaching classes that hover around forty students.  It's emotionally draining and seriously challenging.  I don't know how many more nights I can spend calling parents trying to intervene to improve these student behaviors.  I'm trying everything that's been suggested by the district. And still, I'm encountering new levels of disrespect almost every day and I'm not the only one.  

How do we teach our children to avoid unacceptable behavior?  How do we reduce the violence?  I feel like our children need new role models; ones who aren't fighting in public one day, and being paid to be celebrities the next.  Today made me really sad.  Because I am usually a teacher who advocates for her students.  Today I just wanted to run away from them and that makes me feel really badly.

Cricks and Critters

Remember that plan I had of getting up early with Tony and hitting the gym at 5 a.m. this morning?  Didn't. Happen.  My intentions were great.  My alarm was set.  And then, I couldn't fall asleep last night.

Normally when I can't sleep it's because I'm staring at my iPhone screen, playing Candy Crush or perusing Facebook long after I should be.  Last night, I took my melatonin (to help me sleep, and also to help with egg quality) and just couldn't fall asleep plain and simple.

Not sure what time it was when I finally drifted off to dreamland, but I know it was past 11:00 when I last looked at the clock.  Even then I still had my alarm clock set for five o'clock.  Until...Tony woke up at 2:30 a.m. and decided it would be a good time for a snack.  Normally this doesn't bother me and many times I don't wake up.  Last night, however, there was something about the way he opened his bag of chips that was noisy enough that it had me sitting straight up in bed completely confused asking "What's wrong?  What are you doing? Are you okay?"  We giggled about it for a bit, he finished his snack, took his a.m. pills to help him get back to sleep and was off dreaming again quite shortly (before 3:00 a.m.).  Before he'd passed out again, we decided that I'd go to yoga this evening at 6:45 p.m. and he'd go to the gym on his own during the day.   As for me, I still couldn't get back to sleep.  Sometime around 3:30 this morning I finally fell back asleep.  Believe me when I tell you that 7 a.m. came way too quickly after that (and man was I glad we'd cancelled the 5 a.m. wakeup call)!

Unfortunately, I was plagued with a nagging headache all day long.  I wasn't wrong yesterday when I said I'd be sore this morning.  There's nothing leftover from the yoga that I can't deal with, but for some reason I'm carrying around a TON of tension in my neck and shoulders today.  I think I need to work more on my breathing when I'm doing the poses for yoga, and that might help.  I'm certainly no expert and I felt super relaxed at the end of my yoga session -- but I'm thinking I need to drink a LOT more water during the day, and make sure that I'm doing what I can to stay relaxed during the day.  Needless to say, I didn't go to yoga this evening.  I've decided what my body needs is a good, solid night's sleep.  Tomorrow is a new day, my fertility yoga DVD is ordered and on it's way, and I can keep making progress tomorrow -- without a headache.

Let me tell you what doesn't relax me during the day.  Mice.  Yep, you read that correctly.  The past two days I've been dealing with children and mice at school.  As the weather gets colder (which I think could also be contributing to my headache) we all prepare to beware of critters.  I'd like to think this applies more to most of us in our own homes.  We have three lovely mouse catchers in our family so we don't have to worry most of the time about mice in the house.  My classroom, however, is a different story.

It started yesterday during my lunch hour.  There is a sixth grade class in my classroom that hour and I usually leave to go to the library.  I was preparing my lunch in the microwave when I kid screamed "mouse!"  That was enough to have me jumping up out of my chair and wanting to bolt for the door.  Students were standing on desks and everyone was screaming.  The teacher did an amazing job of calming them down, and by the time I'd hurriedly grabbed my lunch and my cell phone and scooted out the door saying "I'll get the engineer..." she had them out the door and quiet.  That particular little guy was caught in a copy paper box and escorted outside.

The next, and last, hour of the day I was giving a test.  We made it almost to the end of the hour when one of the students said "There's a mouse over there.  It's just sitting there."  Another live little mouse was sitting under the ottoman in the corner of my room near the refrigerator.  It came out even though people were screaming, and we finally evacuated the room and went to the hallway to wait for the final bell of the day (and the engineer).

Both mice were babies, and even though itty bitty little things, they scare the crap out of me!  I have what I hope is an irrational fear that they'll crawl up my pant leg or something.  Yuck!  I'm worried that because they're so little, we're in for more surprises.  The engineers put sticky traps on the floor -- I'm being more strict than ever before about the kids NOT being allowed to eat in my room.  Unfortunately kids try to sneak in food all the time, and mice are quite mobile little things.  Hopefully I won't see any more of them; if they're around I hope they will agree to leave me in peace.   Amazing how such little things can cause such chaos and disruption in a room full of adolescents who have a scardey-cat teacher :)

New Friends, Old Friends

Today someone I don't know commented on my blog.  I didn't know that people who are "strangers" were reading this blog, but after today I can confidently say that makes me ecstatic!  Part of the reason I started blogging was to hopefully reach out to others who are also struggling.  Today's comment, which you can read here, was so inspiring it brought tears to my eyes...more than once.  

In addition to feeling blessed by this comment, I'm also blessed to have people out there who care enough about me and what I'm going through that they spend their precious time looking for things that might help me.  I know I mention her a lot, but +Megan Karabon has done so much to be a support to me.  I know most married women may have someone at work they may call their "work husband," but I often joke with Tony that Megan is my "work wife."  No ill humor intended, it's just that I can go to Megan's classroom or she'll come to mine and we solve the world's our day-to-day problems by bouncing ideas off each other.  Some days I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that kind of support at school.  At home, I'm lucky enough to have a supporting husband and family who do whatever they can to help me out when I'm struggling or feeling down.  I'm lucky enough to also have someone that I consider pretty darn close to family at work whom I can trust and I know always has my back.  For that, I'm so grateful.  

Today, for instance, I received a text message in the middle of the morning telling me there's a place in Milwaukee that offers fertility yoga.  I'd never heard of such a thing!  And then, as if just letting me know wasn't enough, Megan made sure to come down to see if I'd checked it out.  The fact that someone who is as busy (or busier) than I am would take time out of their day to get excited about something to help me is unbelievable.  But, that's how it is.  That's how our friendship works, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I did check out this fertility yoga stuff.  Unfortunately, the place in Milwaukee isn't offering any classes right now and won't be until January (which is when we hope to be starting up our third IVF cycle).  But, after a quick Google search I found a bunch of pretty informative articles.  Some, like this one, even offer some poses with instructions.  Basically, fertility yoga increases blood flow to some of the reproductive organs while also relieving stress (which is of utmost importance when trying to conceive).  I've also discovered Amazon has bunches of fertility yoga videos, so you can bet your bottom I'm jumping on that bandwagon as soon as Tony's paycheck my paycheck clears the bank!

In the meantime, I've started going to the gym.  I finally made it to the Monday night 4:15 p.m. yoga class...only to find out it was the last night it's being offered at that time.  Can we say bummed?  I'd been completely ready to change a long-standing Monday night appointment in order to go.  So, now I have to wait and see what's going to be taking it's place.  

Tony and I have decided, together, that we're both going to try to get up in the wee hours of the morning to be each other's workout buddies.  So far, it' s been really challenging.  We intended to start last Thursday.  I was up late Wednesday night studying, and Thursdays are my long days (I'm in class until 8:30 p.m.), so it was easy to talk each other out of that one.  Then, on Friday, we decided we could go in the evening (we didn't).  By Saturday we'd lost what little motivation was driving us, and we decided to wait until today to give it a whirl.  Well, last night as I sat here plugging away at my blog, I realized there was a 4:15 yoga class I could attend after school.  It wasn't a very tough decision when weighing an extra almost-two hours sleep (class starts at 5:15 in the morning) vs. getting up in the cold, dark morning to go to the gym.  Even though I didn't get up this morning, I did follow through and go to yoga this evening.  I felt great when I was done, but boy were some of those poses uncomfortable.  Although it's not a high-intensity workout, I'll still be surprised if I'm walking normally tomorrow.  I already know I probably won't be pain-free.  

With that said, it's time for me to sign-off for the night.  We are going to be at the gym early tomorrow morning.  Thanks in advance for your encouragement and support -- both Tony and I will need it :)

Until tomorrow, my friends!

Homemade Apple Pie

Although this blog was started primarily to help me journal my thoughts regarding our journey down the path of fertility, not everything in our life is dictated by what goes on at the doctor's office.

This weekend was a normal, sit-and-laze-around weekend.  Rainy, unseasonably warm, yet cozy.  Tony and I spent the day together yesterday, went grocery shopping and made a HUGE pot of Tony's favorite - County Chili.  County Chili is super easy as well as super yummy.  It was a tradition in Tony's home growing up.  I'd love to share the recipe, but I'll have to check with my mother-in-law +Deb Bartlett to make sure I'm not letting out any family secrets before I do!

In the evening after tucking Tony into bed I ventured out to Conway's Smokin' Bar & Grill in Milwaukee to see a colleague of mine performing with his band.  Unclear on the Concept did a phenomenal job, and I was very impressed!  It's been awhile since I've left my house at 9:00 p.m. and ventured out to a bar.  Luckily for me my curiosity was peaked considering the bar's name included my maiden name.  I had no choice but to check it out!  The band played a few of their own songs, and then continued to cover many popular songs.  I found myself singing along more often and not, and have decided to "splurge" and purchase their CD.  It's $5.  If anyone is interested in attending the next show, let me know -- I'm always up for company, and those venues aren't really Tony's cup o' tea.  Even better, I'll be asking for autographs on this CD.  Who knows when these guys will end up being famous?

Sunday started out slowly.  Tony let me sleep in, we had some more snuggles with Shadow, and woke up quite lazily.  It. Was. Awesome.  After getting up we decided it might be a good idea to take Shadow for a walk ride.  We usually like to head to the South side of Milwaukee to hit up some of our favorite county parks (South Shore, Grant, Bender), but as we came upstairs we were bombarded by news reports of tornado watches and warnings.  So, instead, we decided to travel North.  We'd made it to the gas station up the street when the tornado sirens started going off.  Needless to say, both the adventure was cancelled.  Came home, took a nap (I said it was a lazy day, didn't I?), and relaxed until it was almost time for the Packer game.

Considering how the Packers fared today, I think I'll just skip to the next part.  :)  I spent most of the afternoon and evening studying and completing assignments for my Psychology and Anatomy & Physiology classes.  When I study, without fail, I'm listening to Pandora.com.  I am in love with their Lullabye Radio station.  It is so calming, and we also listen to this when it's time to go to sleep.  I was introduced to this awesomeness by +Megan Karabon, and cannot thank her enough.  I know her little one, Lily, loves the music as well.  Lily is just over four months old, so I can guarantee it's appropriate for all ages!  *Side note, if you're looking for a blog about family, buying tips for your little ones, advice, and anecdotes of a little one's milestones -- check out her blog karabonchronicles.blogspot.com!

I took a short study break to do something I've been wanting to do for a few weeks now.  I made a homemade apple pie.  I'm not sure what it is about being in a warm kitchen, with rain pattering at the windows, and wind whipping around the house that makes me want to bake.  I just love the cozy feeling I get, and was so excited to make this pie.  While I was baking, one my favorite songs came on pandora.com.  It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling as I worked in the kitchen creating a sweet edible treat for my family.  The lyrics are what get me, every time.  So, tonight, I leave you with a link (just click on the title of the song) to this favorite song of mine, along with the lyrics to ponder.  I hope you find something as special as I have within them.

"At Last" 

Etta James

Written by:  Harry Warren & Mack Gordon

At last 

Finished product and our Holiday window, courtesy of my mom, +Sharon Davison 

My love has come along 

My lonely days over 

And life is like a song 

Ooh Yeah, Yeah, At last 

The skies above are blue 

My heart was wrapped up in clover 

The night I looked at you 

I found a dream 

That I could speak to 

A dream that I can call my own 

I found a thrill 

To press my cheek to 

A thrill that I have never known 

You smile 

You smile 

Oh and then the spell was cast 

And here we are in heaven 

For you are mine at last

Lazy Day

Not much new with us today.  Finished out the work week without incident, and am so thankful that the weekend is here.  My spirits appear to be lifting; some good scripture and a good nights' sleep does wonders for the soul.

I haven't said much about this previously, but we've been struggling to help our dog Shadow get more accustomed to being around strangers.  Whenever we take her to a new place, or she sees new people, she barks and barks and barks.  The hair on the back of her neck raises, and she bares her teeth.  Professionals who have interacted with her tell us she is exhibiting fear aggression.  I've discovered that it is a difficult thing to find out your dog is a special-needs dog.  I never would have guessed the emotional reaction I'd have as a "parent" to this animal.  I get defensive of her, protective of her, and I also spent a lot of time denying that she might need extra intervention.

We got Shadow when she was six weeks old.  She was just a little ball of fur, loved everyone she came into contact with; she feared nothing.  We have loved her, nurtured her, and learned from her.  She is wonderful with all of us at home.  She isn't mean-spirited or aggressive.  She loves to run, romp and play.  Her favorite thing to do is chase her blue ball in the backyard.  She will do this over and over again...and just when you think she's tired out, she comes back for more.  I love watching her race to beat the ball to the fence, jump up and catch the ball mid-air, and then bring it back to me so proudly.  We have two blue balls that are identical, so she's really good at bringing one back, dropping it at my feet, and then waiting for me to throw the other one.  And, she's smart.  I can ask her for specific colored toys and she goes to get them.  When I tell her to go get some water, she goes right to her dish to take a drink, and does the same with her food.

Why, then, is she so terrified of strangers?  We started Shadow in puppy class when she was eight weeks old.  She was rambunctious, and sometimes sassy, but overall did well and "graduated" after the program was done.  We then did advanced puppy training.  Again, more of her timidness started to show, she was leery of the trainer and the other people in class, but did well with the dogs.  Although she is really scary when she's in the presence of strangers, I know she isn't trying to hurt anyone.  One day, while we were letting her outside to go in the backyard, she took off through the open garage door.  There were two young girls walking down the sidewalk.  Shadow was barking, growling and following them.  We instructed the girls not to run, to just keep walking.  She followed them, but never broke into a run.  She was protecting her household, and once they were far enough away she came back.

That incident prompted us to put in her a new training class.  We are working with a very intense trainer, one who yells more at the handlers than the dogs.  We are learning so much about how to handle a dog with special needs, how not to get frustrated (that just feeds her weirdness), and how to help build her confidence.  I've spoken to many people at several dog places regarding Shadow's struggles.  They all keep telling me we have to build her confidence with training.  The training IS helping Shadow improve, but it's not doing everything we'd hoped.  I got Shadow a calming collar on Wednesday that is supposed to give off pheromones that remind her of her mother.  It stinks to high heaven, in my opinion, but appears to be working to a small extent.

Tony and I discussed it, and on Friday he took her to the vet to get evaluated for medication.  We are hoping that we can keep her on the anti-anxiety medication long enough so that it becomes normal for her to be at ease around strangers...and then we'd like to hopefully wean her off of these medications.  So, she was given a prescription for Prozac, and one for diazepam.  She takes the Prozac daily, and will be using the diazepam as needed for visits to "scary" places, such as the groomer.  Even though they say it takes three weeks in order for us to see a difference, I have to say she's been a little more mellow since she started the meds yesterday.  Tony and I were able to sleep in a little bit today, and Shadow came down and just snuggled in.   It was so nice.

A Front Row Seat

Today I'm struggling.  Trying to remain optimistic, but feeling like it's a struggle to keep my head above water.  I have so much going on.  I'm going to repeat that:  I have so. much. going. on.  Everyone says the more stressed you are the more difficult it is to conceive.  How do you find a balance between keeping up with your professional and personal responsibilities without allowing it to stress you out? Please, if you find a concrete answer, let me know.

Unfortunately, fertility takes a prominent seat in the front row of your life when you are the person or people striving to overcome its challenges.  And when it's not right there in the foreground, it's lurking somewhere not too far away.  I feel like it is with me wherever I go.  Like an invisible badge sewn to all my clothing, it is represents all the stress I just can't shake.  Throughout this process, I need to shake the stress.  I have to remain strong and optimistic.  But tonight, I can't.  Tonight I feel the need to allow myself to be a little bit scared; to let the what-ifs run through my mind.  Because in the end, regardless of the outcome of this next IVF cycle, I have to be prepared.  

Tonight my professor asked me "What happened last week?" because I'd done poorly on a test and I'd alluded to the fact that I'd had a rough week.  I answered him through broken sobs as tears ran down my face.  Just when I thought I'd moved on from grieving the cycle that didn't work, I was overcome with sadness once again.  I think what scares me the most is that I now feel like we have this looming deadline.  It'll be this time or never.  And I know that isn't going to help me remain stress-free.  

I was prompted to look up some scripture after having a good cry on my way home.  I couldn't have found a more perfect verse.  It has to do with God's timing.  I found a reference to our church's magazine, the Ensign, online.  One particular article, found here, really put things into perspective for me.  In case you opted out of the link, the part that really resonated with me was a quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926 - 2004) in which he said:

           "The issue for us is trusting God enough to trust His timing.  If we can truly believe that He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

Probably even more promising than the aforementioned words was the story that went with it.  It was a story of a woman who, after two surgeries, was told she'd never be able to have biological children of her own.  I'll let you read to find out what happened, but beware that you may shed a tear or two as the story unfolds.  I did.  But, then again, I'd also had the waterworks going before I started reading the article :)

Even thought the process as a whole is scary, and we don't have any way of knowing how things will turn out, I already feel calmer, stronger and on more solid ground.  I have found solace in my faith.  I know that miracles happen, for nothing is "too hard for the Lord (Genesis 18:14).   It will be these words that comfort me as I drift off to dream tonight.  

Thanks for being here, for reading, and for lifting us up with your love and support.  Even though I don't know who exactly reads these ol' posts of mine, I appreciate each and every one of you for supporting this page.  Knowing that people are praying for, rooting for, and thinking of Tony and I means more than you'll ever know.

The Third Time Is A Charm

Tony and I met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist this afternoon.  We received what I would call mixed news.  It was decided that we will proceed with our third, and we learned, final IVF attempt.

It's very interesting how this all turned out.  I have been praying and praying for guidance on what to do with our next round of IVF.  Tony and I have gone back and forth regarding whether we should take some time off and wait ninety days or so, or proceed immediately.  When we talked about praying over it, Tony assured me that when I got an answer, I would know I had the answer.  Well, I prayed and prayed.  I phrased and re-phrased my question.  And I felt...nothing.  Nothing different.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  Until today, when I wasn't praying.  We were sitting in a consultation room with the doctor, and we'd been told we can try again.  The doctor continued, to tell us that the lab will be closed for two weeks over the holidays, and we most likely just missed the window to complete our cycle prior to the lab closing in December.  So, most likely I'll start my prep cycle in December, and we'll be proceeding in January.  I'd say that's a pretty clear answer, wouldn't you?

If any of you reading are unfamiliar with how IVF works, here's a brief synopsis (if you already know, or this is too much information, please skip to the next paragraph):
I take birth control for 3 weeks after a menstrual cycle to keep my ovaries "quiet."  After the start of my next menstrual cycle, I begin injecting medications (2) into my stomach every night.  After a couple of days we add the third injection.  During this time I go to the doctor every two days for ultrasounds to monitor my egg follicles so we have an estimate of how many eggs are being produced and how big each one is.  At the end of approximately two weeks, when the follicles have almost fully developed, I give myself a fourth and sometimes fifth injection (these two are done alone).  One of them stimulates a final burst of growth in the follicles.  The other triggers a release of the eggs.  I have to take these two injections exactly 36 hours prior to my egg retrieval.  During the egg retrieval I am lightly sedated (I have zero recollection of the past two).  There is an embryologist present and the doctor retrieves the eggs guided by ultrasound.  We find out how many we have before we leave the clinic, but have no idea how many are mature.  At that point the embryologist uses a process called ICSI in which he/she injects individual sperm into each mature egg.  We find out the following day how many fertilize. Depending on the number of embryos created and the quality of each embryo a date is set for the embryo transfer.  This will either be three days post egg retrieval or five days post-retrieval.

Because we are still unsure whether or not we are dealing with an egg quality issue, most likely we will be fertilizing half of the eggs we get with Tony's sperm, and half with donor sperm.  This will give us a better idea as to where our biggest obstacle is.  Having to use a donor anything is a very humbling experience, and I will continue saying prayers knowing that in the end this is all out of my control and what is meant to be will be.  Regardless of how it comes to be, the main goal is for Tony and I to have a baby.  There will be no difference in the love that child is given whether it shares one or both of our DNA.

Having said that, I would like to share a little bit about how this feels for us emotionally.  Tony is a trooper.  I cannot tell you enough how he impresses me each day with his kindness and compassion for my feelings as we deal with this entire process.  Let me tell you, chivalry is NOT dead.  This man would do anything to protect me.  And I mean anything.  This includes volunteering to have us use donor sperm to try to rule out the egg quality issue.  He knows how hard of a time I'm having accepting that.

What some of you may know, and many may not, is that I am adopted.  I have always known I was adopted, it's never bothered me -- in fact it's something I was quite proud of when I was a little girl.  I haven't been loved any less; in many ways I feel like it made me a little bit more loved.  I couldn't be closer to my family; I actually love pretty fiercely and have extreme loyalty to my family.  Family comes first.  Always.  Here comes the "but."  But...I've always wondered what it would feel like to have a child that is biologically connected to me.  In that way I don't think I'm any different from any other woman who wants to have children.  But there's something else.  Something that brings tears to my eyes when I think of not having it.  There are things I long for -- to have someone around who looks like me, someone who has my tendencies and quirks.  Someone who has my eyes, or my smile...I've never really known what that feels like that until fairly recently.  Now, I am fortunate enough that I have met both my biological parents.  What makes me really, really lucky is that my mom, dad, and step-mom (those whom I call my parents) are totally okay with the fact that I know and spend time with my biological parents.  We could say that I have five incredible role models who have each taught me in their own way what it means to be selfless and to love unconditionally.  They've all done things for me or made sacrifices solely for the purpose of making my life better.  I think that is the key I need to keep in mind.  Tony and I will do what we need to do to love and provide for our children, no matter how they come to us.  Best case scenario will always be that we will be blessed with a little one shares both of our DNA.  But, we need to remember that we have plenty of gifts to give a child that we can bestow upon them even if we aren't biologically related to them.  So regardless of the DNA, our children will always be a representation of the best of us.  I have very strong opinions on nature vs. nurture and I can guarantee you I wouldn't be half the person I am today without the people who raised me, loved me, set me straight when I made  mistakes, were proud of me when I did well, and guided me through some very tough situations.   Because of this I know, that whatever happens, we will be okay.

Never Give Up. Ever.

We have an early day tomorrow, as I have a dentist appointment first thing in the morning (could there be anything worse?).  That said, this will be short and, hopefully, sweet.  

Tony and I are gearing up to meet face-to-face with the reproductive endocrinologist tomorrow.  As much as I'm hoping that he will be able to provide some answers to my questions, I'm not holding my breath.  I am holding out for the magic words that will allow us to move forward with the next steps in our journey.  We are praying for the go-ahead to move forward with our third IVF cycle.

I'm finding more and more that those who practice Western Medicine are separatists.  They do not really want to hear about alternative treatments that are being sought, and are even less inclined to believe anything I come up with based purely through my own searches.  Even though I know my body.  Even though I have seen more progress using Traditional Chinese Medicine than I've seen with Western Medicine in a long time.

My recent discussions with my acupuncturist Tony and I have decided to make some dietary changes.  Actually, I have been doing these things for almost six weeks now.  Tony just made the decision within the last two weeks.  

According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, I'm to avoid dairy products, white flour, refined sugar and gluten.  I find the two easiest of these things to do is to avoid dairy and gluten.  I'm not perfect, and I haven't followed this 100% for the last six weeks, but I have made some pretty major modifications to my diet.  I haven't had ANY milk since I started.  In fact, I've fallen in love with chocolate almond milk.  Not a fan of the regular, but I'm all about the chocolate.  It tastes just like regular chocolate milk, only has 120 calories per serving, AND has double the calcium.  Win, win, win in my book.  I have to give my reproductive endocrinologist credit.  When I announced these dietary changes to him, he supported my decision to give up dairy.  In fact, he'd recently attended a conference in which they learned that research supported the fact that dairy has an adverse effect on egg quality.  Does this mean he agrees with my alternative treatments?  I wouldn't go that far.  It just means that research finally caught up to what the Chinese have been practicing for thousands of years.  

In Traditional Chinese Medicine, there is not a diagnosis for infertility.  Isn't that interesting?  There are diagnoses that can help a women become more fertile, that will make her womb more open to receiving a child.  I've known this for awhile, but I find myself filled with renewed hope.  I've read that it takes approximately 90 days to make improvements to egg quality.  Now, if you ask my science-based, Western Medicine, doctors about this they may disagree that any changes can be made.  I disagree.  I have already seen changes in myself that lead me to believe these dietary changes are having a positive effect.  If nothing else, I feel better and more energetic (definitely less congested) on a daily basis.  I like my doctors, and I know they're doing what they think is best for me.  I sure am glad I have my acupuncturist in my corner though -- she's been able to do more for me at crucial times than they have.  And, I feel good working on things in a natural manner, without drugs and medicine doing all the work.  

Please don't think I'm bashing doctors; far from it.  I know there are many who are doctors and nurses of Western Medicine out there who will accept and work with alternative treatments and their practitioners.  I've just found more of a wall between my current reproductive endocrinologists and the alternative treatments I'm also utilizing.  It makes sense -- their entire business is rooted purely in science and scientific research.  There is, however, a lot of research to indicate that a mixture of reproductive endocrinology and acupuncture can be very beneficial in the realm of fertility.  

Well, now there I go again.  This has gone from being "short and sweet" to long enough.  :)  We've decided in our family to go the Traditional Chinese Medicine "route" and refer to our problem as a fertility problem, not an infertility problem.  We need all the positive thinking and prayers we can get!  Believe it into being.  Think positive.  These are all my daily mantras.   In closing, I will share our latest daily inspiration.  It was sent to me by a dear friend; +Megan Karabon thank you!  I have it as my background on my phone, so I see it thousands (no, I'm not kidding) of times a day.  And I love it.  Every. Time.

Today we honor those who serve

Well  it's the eleventh day of the eleventh month, but I'm long past the eleventh hour.  I couldn't go to sleep tonight without taking a moment to say "thank you" to all of our service men and women out there...past and present.

I'm not a veteran myself.  However, I do know many whom I hold near and dear to my heart.  I consider myself to be pretty darn patriotic and the pride I have for my country and in those who have defended it is unmatched.  In fact, I'm the sap who cries when she hears the Star Spangled Banner, especially if the flag is waving "just so."  I also cry when hearing America the Beautiful, and sometimes get a little emotional just saying the Pledge of Allegiance.  And you know what?  None of that bothers me in the least.  I don't care who sees me cry when I'm displaying love for my country and pride in those who have fought to give us the freedoms we enjoy (and often take for granted).

In addition to the men and women who have served over seas, or are serving now, there are also unsung heroes in their spouses.  I've never had the experience of being a military spouse, and I think I can say with relative certainty that I never will.  What I can say is that I know it takes a special kind of woman (or man) to hold down the fort and keep the home fires burning while their spouse is away.  The sacrifices are many and the thanks very few for all parts of the military family.  Though I may never be in their shoes, I salute and commend them for their efforts.  I will never know exactly how much strength and fortitude this requires, I can only guess...and my guess is that there is no way to measure the amount.

I'm hesitant to name those I'd like to honor tonight, because I'm so afraid that I'll miss someone.  If you're reading this and you're a veteran and I don't mention you personally, please please don't take offense.  There is certainly none intended.  With that said, I'd like to say a special thank you to my grandfather Steve Conway, Jr. (WWII Veteran), my grandfather the late Willard Nysse (WWII Veteran), my dad Dan Conway (Vietnam Veteran), my Uncle Tim (Veteran of several conflicts, most recently returned from Iraq), my other grandfather the late Harold Haag (Korean War Veteran),  my dad Dan Conway (Vietnam Veteran),  my Uncle Tom (Vietnam Veteran), my Uncle Jim Falk, my Uncle Jerry Nysse, my Uncle Bob, and my father-in-law Dave Bartlett.  And to the two men (and their wives and children) I happen to know who are currently serving in Afghanistan, Eric Hardel and Josh Engel, thank you for your service, and may God bless you and bring you home safely!

Discoveries...

As strange as it may sound, I think I re-discovered Milwaukee this weekend.  It is very likely that the sunshine and moderate temperatures have something to do with my renewed interest in this metropolis that I call home.  Whatever the reasons, I feel energized about being here and I like that feeling!

In all actuality I think this may have been in the works already last week.  Last Monday night Tony and I were invited to a pre-screening of Thor 2.  For free.  Of course I asked Tony ahead of time if he'd be willing to stay up late to go with me.  He obliged, but what we found out later was that he'd completely forgotten that Monday was the night the Packers played the Bears.  Oops.  In all honesty, I'd completely blocked it out , I didn't remember either.  We went to the movie as the second pair on a double date.  Our friend had won the tickets on the radio.  We almost didn't make it in (apparently those showings are first-come first-served.  We were the last four allowed to enter the theater.  I am so glad we got in -- the movie was great.  Although the storyline was decent, I was most impressed with the visual effects.

So, the movie started my newfound passion for this city.  Being out at the mall, observing all the Christmas decorations, it all just warmed my soul.  I love Christmas time.  Not because I get presents, more because I get way too excited about giving them.  Ever since I was a little girl I've had a problem with that excitement.  In my younger years it usually ended with "Well, I'm not going to tell you that I got you a _______________ for Christmas," with the actual present taking the place of that blank.  *Sigh*  I've never been good at lying or keeping secrets.  Just ask Tony, and he'll tell you when it comes to lying I really, really suck at it (which I consider a good thing).  As for keeping secrets, I'd like to think I've improved in that arena...although I still feel a burning desire to blurt out the secret at random times, I have learned to control the impulse (somewhat).

On Saturday we celebrated Lexi's birthday, and had a wonderful time.  After eating WAY too much, we watched her open presents, and then had cake.  By the time I'd gotten done helping her figure out her new iPad Air, it was time for Tony and I to leave on ANOTHER double date.  Yeah, I know, two in one week -- impressive, right?

This time we were off to the Hyatt downtown to meet Aunt Cindy and Uncle Tim.  We had a really tasty dinner at Bistro 333 inside the Hyatt.  The main dining area was closed, but we were happy to sit at little lounge tables in the lobby.  It allowed us to eat, chat, and people-watch all at the same time.

We meandered our way over to the BMO Harris Bradley Center on foot.  I swear, I hadn't been in there since I was eleven years old and attended my first (and only) New Kids On The Block concert!  We were there because the Bucks were honoring military service members for in honor of Veterans Day.  We got there about an hour early, and even with the extra time it took awhile to get in.  There was a band (possibly a military band) playing patriotic songs as we entered.  Cindy and I could have stayed in the lobby all night just listening and tapping our toes to the music.  But, as you may have guessed, the men wanted to get up to the game.  Initially we were in separate sections, but we were able to join Tim and Cindy in a lower-level section at half-time.

Even though none of us were particularly interested in the game, there is something to be said for being out and about at a large event.  I felt myself infused with a new kind of energy.  Tony and I shared many laughs and it reminded me how happy I am that I married him, and that he picked me as the person with whom he will spend the rest of his life.  He was a really good sport about staying long past the time he would've been most comfortable leaving.  We had great conversations with Tim and Cindy, and just an all-around good night.

Being out has given me all kinds of ideas as to what we should do next to explore this city (and possibly state) of ours!  Can't wait for our next adventure together.

Wherever you are, don't sit back and let life slide by.  Get out there and do something YOU enjoy, and see what happens to your energy levels.  All too often I feel like we get stuck in our own individual ruts, or define our limitations unnecessarily.  Not everything has to be expensive -- there are things out there just waiting to be discovered.  Find them, enjoy them, and share what you've found with others.  Seems like a simple motto, but I've decided that that is going to be my New Year's Resolution.  I think I'm going to be happy I did!

Breathe

Just a quick post on this brisk fall day.  Sometimes I forget to stop and take a breath because life is so busy.  As I continue to work on stressing less and living more I'm finding that I so enjoy these tiny pieces that come together to make "my life."

Today some of the things that make me smile are:
1.  It's Friday.
2.  I got to have an awesome chat session with some awesome colleagues.
3.  The sun is shining.
4.  We have been experiencing Fall for awhile now...we didn't just flip from Summer to Winter as has been the case for several years in a row now.
5.  This weekend I get to celebrate my amazing sister.  She's celebrating her 21st birthday for the ninth time  :)
6.  Starting at 3:45 p.m. today I can relax and not worry about work.
7.  I have a wonderful husband with whom I get to have fun and hang out with all weekend.
8.  Tony and I get to see my Aunt Cindy and Uncle Tim this weekend, have a cozy dinner with them AND attend a Bucks' game in which Uncle Tim will be honored along with many other Veterans.  Can't wait -- will probably cry (but it will be a good cry...they all make me so proud)!

There you have it.  There are so many more, but those sprung to the top of my mind as the most important.  Today there is nothing that I'm worrying about with infertility.  No procedures I have to think about.  No decisions to be made.  Today I am just a woman looking forward to her autumn weekend with loved ones.  Life is good, and that is just fine with me.

Being Thankful

What a day!  I went back and forth about whether or not to post today as I am completely and utterly exhausted, but decided to humor my reader(s?) by posting in case someone is checking in.  Today began with a running start -- literally!  Our morning at Milwaukee School of Languages started with a Code Blue.  This means there is a medical emergency in the building.  Normally, when we hear this announcement it is followed by the word "drill."  Not today.  I am part of the response team, and we just had a meeting two days ago regarding our timeliness in responding to a Code Blue.  After busting my butt to get upstairs (and almost creating a second Code Blue when I almost fell UP the stairs), I quickly arrived at the scene of the trouble.  I think there are few things more difficult than seeing someone you know in a medical struggle/emergency.  I spent four and a half years as an EMT Basic and EMT IV Tech...and cannot say that I am unaffected by emergencies, particularly when they befall people I see on a day-to-day basis.  Obviously, the closer you are to someone the more difficult it becomes to be there and work in a semi-professional manner to help them in their time of need.  I am happy to say that only a few tears were shed by this broad who's pumped full of all kinds of hormones from my procedure last week.  And, I am even happier to say that I believe all involved in this morning's events made it where they needed to be in order to receive the help they needed.  Scary while it was happening...but it was nice to see that all of our drills paid off and we were able to help someone who needed it.

The day didn't seem to slow down until my last class of the day.  And when I say slow down, I mean that nearly half my class showed up late.  Again.  I have yet to figure out how to impart on our dear youth that being on time is a life skill that will prove worthwhile once they hold down "real" jobs.  So how did I spend my evening, you ask?  While I was on my way to take my practical exam for Anatomy and Physiology, I made thirteen phone calls to thirteen different households regarding the aforementioned tardies.

I made it to class on time and proceeded to not do very well on my exam.  I studied.  I practiced.  And I just feel like it wasn't enough.  Time will tell, but for this self-proclaimed perfectionist it might be a tough pill to swallow when I receive my final grade.

I realize my post began with what may sound like complaints.  For this, I apologize.  Although I try to be mindful to never take things for granted, I think we are all a little more aware in the month of November due to the upcoming holiday.  It's rare that I don't see someone doing some sort of being thankful challenge on Facebook -- I thoroughly enjoy reading about others' moments of thanks because they always seem to spark my own thoughts on what I have to be thankful for.  And that is what I wanted this post to be about.

Something happened to Tony and I the other day that I never could have predicted.  I never thought that sharing our story would result in anything more than me relieving some stress and venting so that I wasn't avoiding some of what I am feeling while we travel this trying road of infertility.  There is no way to set this up so that it's not so impressive, so I'm just going to say it:  I received a message the other day from a friend of mine offering to donate her eggs to Tony and I.  I was floored.  He was shocked.  What a generous offer!  I am still struggling to understand how we got so lucky to be the recipients of that kind of generosity.  Though she will remain unnamed, I hope she knows how thankful we are.  Even if it never works out, if we don't need them or end up not being able to afford the process, the gift of HOPE this person has given us is unmeasurable.  The fact that someone is willing to reach out to me, on what some may call a sensitive subject, and offer the most precious gift has left me speechless.  The fact that we have an alternative treatment option (that might end up being less expensive than the two I mentioned the other day) is like a secondary gift that we've received.

In closing, I'd like to say that I'm thankful to all of you who read this blog (even if "you" are only one person!).  I'm thankful to have friends and family who give Tony and I such unconditional love and support as we continue on this journey.  I'm thankful to have my best friend by my side every day when I go to sleep and each morning when I rise.  I'm thankful to have faith and a Heavenly Father whom I am learning to trust more and more every day.  And finally, I am thankful to finally be living what "let go and let God" really means -- it is amazing how good it feels to give the load I was carrying to Him!

If only we were chickens...

As we recover from the blow dealt to us on Saturday regarding the lack of fertilization I find myself enraged.  Disappointed.  Sad.  Wondering where to go next.  What options do we have?  Trying to come to grips with uncertainty.

I finally was able to speak to my "main" reproductive endocrinologist yesterday.  He was patient with me, but I don't feel like I got all my questions answered.  Makes sense, I guess, since I only have about a million questions...and they change from one minute to the next.  The bottom line remains that the clinic is concerned with the quality of eggs being produced.  Their "best case scenario" recommendation is to look into using an egg donor.  Boom (that was my entire world thundering to the ground)!

Prior to talking with the doctor, Tony and I pretty much knew that, for us, an egg donor would have to be the very last resort.  I know from looking on Froedtert's website that an egg donor is paid $4500 for a round.  From what I understand these women (angels) go through the same thing a woman doing IVF goes through in order to stimulate her ovaries.  I think that they receive the same amount regardless of the number of eggs collected.  On a whim I asked the doctor how much we'd be looking at if we were to consider using an egg donor.  Make sure you're sitting down.  He began with "Well, on the low end, if you choose an egg that we've got frozen in the lab you're looking at about $16,000."   That's right, you didn't read that incorrectly.  And that was the low end.  The high end, where you choose a specific donor and use a fresh egg (I think), runs about $36,000.  I'll be up front with all of you and let you know right away there's no way we're able to afford anything like that.  Honestly, I don't think we ever will be able to afford anything in that price range.  Yikes.  I asked him if there was any offset to the cost if we had insurance; he had no answer for me.

I realize that medications, doctor's time and many other factors play into the cost I was quoted.  It just doesn't seem right to me that the women going through all of that trouble and then giving the ultimate gift are paid less than 1/4 for the trouble and time.  Not to mention that those who find themselves in a heartbreaking situation have to come face-to-face with the realization that if you're not wealthy this may not even be a viable option for you.

Okay, end rant.  I need to finish this post with some positivity.  A wise person advised me yesterday that I need to remember that it's "mind over matter."  I will believe our baby into being.  I thank you all in advance for your positive thoughts and prayers.  I know with every fiber of my being that I will be a mother someday.  As another, very wise, woman (+Lea Javenkoski) reminded me "God often sneaks his miracles in the back door, while you are standing crying at the front door."

And that is how I'll leave this post.  Please remember that whatever you are facing, there is a bigger Someone out there who has a plan.  It is our job to have faith, and trust that whatever that plan includes will be what is best for us.  So, even though we're not chickens and the eggs we're looking for aren't $2.68 a dozen, I believe that our prayers will be answered.  I have to.  For without faith where would I be?

The one that will come back...

Clinically, a couple is considered infertile if they go one year (without protection) and are not pregnant.  Unfortunately for many for whom time is of the essence, there are a whole gamut of tests one must go through in order to reach the point at which one takes the plunge into the Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) realm of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

Before beginning IVF, I went through a series of tests to make sure that everything else "checked out."  Believe me when I tell you that none of these were comfortable or pain-free, and we'll leave it at that.  Due to a change in our medical insurance coverage in July of 2013, Tony and I approached our doctor with our concerns regarding the insurance.  It was decided that we'd move forward with IVF before the insurance changed.

I have to tell you all how grateful I am to have health insurance that covers infertility.  I do not ever take that for granted.  I have my issues with insurance companies -- and I'm sure at some point I will dedicate a blog to my feelings on why I believe infertility services should be made more affordable to the average pay-out-of-pocket couple.

In May of 2013, I started taking the IVF medications.  At the beginning, this included two daily injections into the stomach.  Shortly after, this amount increased to three.  The medications that were being used to stimulate my ovaries also made me emotional, and quite nauseous.  When I say emotional, that's probably an understatement.  In Tony's words, life with me at that time "was like being on a roller coaster."  The doctors thought that my nausea could be contributed to rising estrogen in my body.  Whatever the cost, I was miserable.  One of the hardest things I experienced during this time was the complete and total loss of my appetite.  There were few things I could even think about eating without losing my appetite completely.  This continued even after stopping the medications.

When we had our initial egg retrieval, we got five mature eggs.  Unfortunately, only one of them fertilized.  Good thing it only takes one!  Tony and I were so excited the day of our embryo transfer.  Because we only had the one embryo,  the doctor decided to go forward with a day-three transfer.

 I was excited, but the other emotions swirling around inside of me took me by surprise.  The first thing the doctor said to us as we got situated in the ultrasound room was "let's see that baby of yours!"  The embryologist showed us our little eight-celled embie on a television monitor, magnified with a microscope.  It looked like something out of a science textbook, cells arranged in the shape of a flower.  And, I burst into tears.

From everything I could tell, the embryo transfer went smoothly.  All we had to do at that point, was wait.  The two-week wait seemed like it was never going to end.  I had a little mishap at work that week when I returned.  I was moving to get out of the way of some students in another classroom, and fell...hard.  My immediate thought was that I'd done something to hurt "the baby," as we'd become prone to calling it.  My colleague +Megan Karabon (who was very pregnant at the time) and I rushed to the school nurse's office in order to get reassurance that I hadn't done anything that would indeed result in harm.  She gave me a tiny little ice pack and seemed utterly confused about the whole thing.  So, I called the doctor's office.  I was told that unless I'd fractured my pelvis, no harm could have been done.  So, I tried to relax.

Fast forward almost two weeks to Tony's and my second wedding anniversary.  The day had arrived -- it was time to go in for our first blood test to find out if we were pregnant.  It was with great anxiousness that I sat in that chair and waited for the phlebotomist to take my blood.  And then, of course, we had to go home and wait for the results.  Talk about a nervous afternoon!  The nurse finally called...and told me she didn't have any good news.  We weren't pregnant.  We were devastated.  The strange thing was, I felt pregnant.

The following day, on a last whim, I took a home pregnancy test.  Imagine my surprise when it came back POSITIVE!  So, I did what any extremely hormonal woman would do, I burst into tears and took another.  It also turned out positive.

I called the doctor in the morning, they had me come in for a repeat blood test.  Two days after my first test, we were told we were pregnant.  Tony couldn't contain his joy.  In fact, he announced it to the Facebook world without even giving me warning.  He wanted so badly to be excited about it and felt we'd been robbed by the fact that we tested two days early.

I was ordered to return for blood tests every 48 hours.  We were watching my HCG numbers, which had started out on the low, but still normal, side.  As the days and weeks progressed we were alarmed to see the number slowly rising, when it should have been going up by leaps and bounds.  Within three weeks of finding out we were pregnant, we were told it was not a viable pregnancy.  We, of course, tried to fight through the doctors' prognosis and "beat the odds."  Who was to say they knew for certain there was no hope?  Our little fighter might just make it, or so we initially told ourselves.  It became evident soon after that there really was no hope.  Nothing showed up on the ultrasounds and my HCG wasn't nearly as high as it should be.  The doctors agreed to allow me time to miscarry naturally.

For weeks I waited for the end, having blood tests done every two days while we waited.  Finally, when things hadn't progressed on their own, we agreed for me to get a shot of methotrexate in order to kill the remaining tissue so we could move forward.  I will never forget the words the doctor said when he walked into my appointment that day.  He said "There is no baby.  There is zero percent chance that this pregnancy will end with a baby."   As harsh as it sounds, I do believe that was the only way I'd ever have been convinced to take that shot.  I had to go to Froedtert Hospital to get the shot.  The nurse there was very accommodating and made the process go as quickly as was possible.

It took about three months for my body to regulate after receiving the methotrexate.  Even now, I'm not totally convinced that the methotrexate didn't have something to do with our most recent IVF failure.  It is definitely something I will be speaking to my doctors about.

I fell into what I would call a minor depression as we went through this ordeal.  Tony and I were struggling -- both of us were grieving in different ways.  It took a LOT of communication between us to make sure we were working with, not against, each other.  We did it, and are so much stronger as a couple because of it.

I usually find solace in reading.  Amazon was my go-to in this as well.  I ordered several books on coping with miscarriage.  Ironically, I only needed one.  And I didn't even finish it.  Tony and I are member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I purchased a book written by someone of the same faith.  Within the first five pages I found the answer I'd been searching for.  If a woman hasn't felt the quickening of the baby in her womb, it is believed (in our faith) that that tiny soul will be given a chance to come back to us in the form of a new pregnancy.  This was all I needed.  I am not giving up hope.  Tony and I will have our little miracle, all in God's time.

Not what we expected

Well, we received the call from the doctor this afternoon. Unfortunately, none of our eggs from yesterday's retrieval fertilized. So, there will be no pregnancy resulting from this IVF cycle. 

I am a whirlwind of emotions right now, but mostly I am heartbroken. Having a child has been my dream since I I was one myself. The doctors were unable to give us an answer regarding why this happened. It could be an egg quality issue, it might be a a sperm quality issues, it may be neither. 

At this point we are trying to focus on moving forward. We will be meeting with the doctor for a consultation sometime soon, and my goal is to move forward as soon as it's safe to do so in order to try again. 

Thanks for being here, for reading, and for your thoughts and prayers!

No real news

Just a quick update in case anyone is holding their breath waiting to hear the results of our egg retrieval yesterday.  All we know at this point is that we got 11 eggs.  The embryologist said that at first glance they all looked "good."  We are waiting to hear how many were mature and how many fertilized.

I am feeling fine, a little sore and definitely moving more slowly than normal.  Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers as this progresses.

I do feel like I should warn you ahead of time -- although I'm happy to share certain parts of this journey, Tony and I have decided that this time around, if we're pregnant, it will be easiest if we wait until we're sure everything is okay to announce to the world (or those who read my blog) that we're pregnant.  Hopefully you can all understand.  Last time we announced right away, and it was awful having to tell people that I miscarried, especially when I was asked in public places or in person...because I would start crying immediately.  Of course, for close family and close friends, it may be a different story.  My husband does have an awful time keeping secrets!

Tomorrow I will attempt to give you more of the history behind our reasoning.  Be prepared, it'll be a long one!