What I learned in 2014

Never could I have predicted some of the lessons that I learned in 2014.  Some were enjoyable lessons, while others were painful -- but I know that all were necessary for me to continue to grow and develop.

I learned that leaving a career you loved is bittersweet.  Much of the beginning of 2014 was spent preparing for this transition, working full-time as a high school Spanish teacher while taking seven credits at the University and MATC in order to get done with my prerequisites for nursing school.  Writing about this now, it seems like many years ago, and not just a few months ago -- perhaps this is why I can confidently say this was the right choice for me and my family.  I am in love with being a student again!  Even better, I love what I am learning.  I surprised myself at how quickly I adapted to being in student-mode again.  And, I am grateful for my experience as a teacher because I'm pretty sure it has made me a better student.  I miss my students and colleagues at Milwaukee School of Languages, but am very thankful for the social media outlets (insert Facebook here) that allow us to keep in touch.

I learned a lot about patience in 2014, but I have a feeling that that's a lesson I'm going to keep learning.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have different degrees of patience.  I, for one, never consider myself a very patient person.  But, when I stop and think about it, I realize that it totally depends on the circumstance.  I am not patient when it comes to waiting for things that I want -- although I am learning to trust that all things will happen when they're meant to.  I am patient when it comes to people, which was an asset in the classroom (as well as just about anywhere).  So, I have to work on transferring this skill so that I may be patient with myself and the Lord above just as I am with others.

I learned that even the best-laid plans may not turn out as you'd hoped.  Even though we got our BFP ("Big Fat Positive" for those that don't frequent baby sites) at the end of June, something went wrong and it just wasn't meant to be.  I get really hung up on plans.  In this case, I couldn't have imagined a much better timeline for school...and it took me awhile to get past that not being my reality.  I tried really hard to forge ahead, but that didn't work either.  No matter how I plan out the way I want this fertility journey to go, I am constantly reminded that I'm not the one in charge.  It is humbling, and sometimes frustrating, but I can assure you that I am learning.  Really!  Here's the kicker:  I thought I'd already learned everything I needed to in this regard (for this year anyway), but got another lesson yesterday!  As I was reading the fine print on the paperwork for my MMR vaccination, I found out that it is not recommended for a woman to become pregnant for three months after having the shot.  No one mentioned this to me, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I was planning (there I went again...) to be ready to try early in 2015.  Not anymore.  It turns out I may have to have another booster at the end of January, which will push any fertility action to April, at the earliest.  It's strange in that it makes me really nervous.  Tony and I have done everything we can to not prevent a pregnancy, and even though it's highly unlikely that we would randomly get pregnant on our own, we now have to think about actively trying to prevent a pregnancy for the next several months.  Weird.

I learned to deal with the ache of loss this year -- not only in dealing with our second miscarriage, but also having to put down our beautiful Shadow.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of her often.  The problem is that even now I cry almost every time I do.  I imagine her running to fetch a ball in a large grassy field, just waiting for the moment we'll be reunited.  I also like to think she's up there watching over our babies for us...keeping them company until they get to come to Earth.

I learned that there are way too many things to do to get ready to start clinical practice!  I think I may have finally gotten everything taken care of as far as my vaccinations go, although there is still debate regarding my Measles, Mumps, and Rubella shot series.  I was first vaccinated in 1980, then had a booster in 1982.  I actually received two MMR shots that year, according to my records.  I had another MMR booster in 1991.  When a titer of blood was drawn recently to check for immunity to each of those diseases, I only had immunity for two of the three, which meant I had to have another booster.  Hence the huge, red knot currently on the back of my left arm.  So, I uploaded all my documents to the computer and the company receiving them REJECTED my information, telling me I have to have another shot in a month to serve as a booster.  Believe me I will be taking this up with UWM directly.  Unfortunately for me, they are closed until Friday.  The deadline for all of this is Monday, which makes me nervous.  Fingers crossed that everything will work out as planned!  Even if I have to have the second shot, school starts on January 26, and I'd be getting the shot on January 29, which should be well before any clinical time would start.

I've learned a lot about myself in 2014, too.  I know the love of a great man, the one I believe was meant for me.  I've developed my relationship with Heavenly Father and can feel my faith grow stronger everyday.  I am blessed to have good relationships with all my family members, and am lucky enough to spend time with them throughout the year.  I couldn't be more grateful for this life that I live, and only wish you the same.  Even with everything I long for, right now I have everything I need -- I have enough.  So tonight I pray this finds you remembering the good about the year, enjoying your family and friends, and holding tight to the ones you love. I wish you, my friends, enough.

Winding Down 2014

Hello, all.  'Tis the season to be merry and bright, yet instead I find myself down, and a little bit out,
this evening.  Somehow staying busy, as I managed to do all semester, seems to be a good option for me!  I finished up my first semester in my pursuit of my nursing degree.  There were stressful times, but they all appear to have paid off -- when my grades were FINALLY posted, I was happy to see a 4.0 waiting for me!

Christmas went very well for Tony and I.  We got to spend a lot of time visiting with most of the people who we consider family.  We missed out on a few, but have hopes of catching up with all of them early in the new year.  Since exams finished, I find myself super busy without a whole lot to do.  Does that even make sense?  There are a TON of things I need to get in order so that I can start my Spring semester in accordance with the School of Nursing requirements.  Let me just say this:  Do any of you know how difficult tracking down immunization records is when you're 34 years old?!  My parents had some of them.  The Wisconsin Immunization Registry had a couple more...and after that I was out of luck!  I spent several days corresponding with my pediatrician, only to find out that they couldn't find my records.  Anywhere.  I'm not quite sure how I feel about that -- thank goodness I'm too focused on figuring out how to prove I'm immune to Chicken Pox, Hepatitis B, Measles, Mumps, and Rubella to worry about it much.  I ended up having to have titers of blood drawn, and the lab then tested the blood for immunity for each of the things I mentioned.  Happy to report that the only booster I needed was the MMR.  Oddly enough, I still have immunity to two of the three components and the booster is to make me immune to the third.  There is also an official form to fill out for the influenza vaccine, as well as several other agreements I had to get in order.  The hardest part of all this is that it all has to be uploaded onto the computer in an electronic format.  And, you can't save the webpage where you may find the information (i.e. WI Immunization Registry).  So...it's a lot of printing, scanning, saving and uploading.  The good news is that I'm almost done, and I have a week to spare!  I think I'm getting better at getting things done in advance (although if you ask my parents, I still just about give them heart attacks every chance I get when it comes to this stuff)!

Searching through all my medical records for the information I need brought up a lot of memories, all which feel fresh now that they're opened again.  I think that's why I'm feeling down.  On a day-to-day basis I'm able to let myself forge ahead and not dwell on what might have been.  On days like today, when I have a little bit of free time and I'm searching through test results, my eyes stray to the quantitative hCG results from last summer...and of course I have to take a look at one, and then another, and another.  I want to get back to how happy I was when I was watching that hCG rise, when we had an ultrasound date on the calendar and I was envisioning our life with our new little baby.  I have not lost my faith, it isn't even wavering.  I've just stumbled a bit tonight and am not forcing myself to get up too quickly.  Some hurt is good for the soul, and I feel an urgent need to let myself feel this tonight.  Tomorrow is a new day, and soon 2015 will be here.  Tonight I grieve for what we lost -- and leave tomorrow to hope for what will come.

It turns out that my life as a full-time student didn't include mailing out Christmas cards this year.  I felt really badly about it, initially, but then I talked myself into the fact that any Christmas letter I send would be so much less informative than this blog! :)  And so, Tony and I wish you all the happiest of holidays this season.  A belated "Merry Christmas" from our house to yours, and a most "Prosperous New Year to All!"

Gather Here With Grateful Hearts

All in all, our holiday yesterday went well.  None of my family members had to work, and we were able to gather and share in the holiday spirit.  As I took the time to sit down and think of all the things I'm thankful for, it dawned on me that I needed to get back to blogging!  I am so thankful for so many things, and I hope you know that YOU are included.  Each and every one of you that takes the time to listen to this woman's ramblings is appreciated.  This year, I am especially grateful for the support of my family for allowing me to follow my dream and go back to school.  I have no idea how it happened, but I'm two weeks away from the end of my first back-to-school semester as a full-time student.  I love most of my classes (okay, so I've discovered that I find Nursing Research a little on the dry side -- can you blame me?), and am doing well in them.  I was particularly nervous about the science course this semester -- Microbiology.  Turns out that I really don't have to be nervous after all.  I'm eagerly awaiting my exam score from Tuesday night's exam (yes, I'm a nerd in every sense of the word)...but so far, so good.

I've realized that since I was on here to announce that we were taking a break from our fertility treatments I've only written one blog.  It was not my intention to also take a break from blogging.  Somehow that's how it ended up though.  And I'm so sorry for that.   Sometimes I go back and forth with myself about how much people actually want to read about our "normal," everyday lives.  I can't say that our days are any more spectacular than others' days -- to me they're perfect, but that's because they're ours.  To add to my list of things I'm thankful for, I cannot overlook the reduction in stress that I've felt as I worked my way through this semester.  I also can't help but hope that this will bode well for our future fertility endeavors.  Because, through it all, break or no break there is always that voice in my head whispering of hope.  My workouts have suffered lately, due to a knee injury.  I didn't mention it when I last wrote due to the fact that I was pretending I wasn't hurt.  Shortly after that entry I went in to see our family physician and was told I had overextended my knee.  I was told, sternly, that I was not allowed to work out.  The doctor must have seen my determination in my eyes, because he repeated several times -- No. Working. Out.  It hurt badly enough that I took his advice, but I was bummed about it.  Now, I'm a few weeks out of practice and I'm even more bummed because now I have to start over.  Again.  My plan was to start this week, and I'm embarrassed to even tell you why I didn't.  But, here goes:  I forgot.  That's right.  I planned to start Monday, and then woke up Tuesday to Tony asking me "did you work out yesterday?" and realized I'd completely forgotten to do it!  It's not even funny, but the same thing happened Tuesday and Wednesday.  So, I decided, in the spirit of a popular new Disney movie, to "let it go."  I've still been trying to watch what I'm eating to some extent, but haven't been as diligent as I should have been.  So "publicly" telling you I am beginning again on Monday.  Perhaps this will serve as enough of a reminder to me!

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone I find myself fully ready for this holiday season.  The feeling was creeping in last week, and I can feel it here full-fledged now.  I am experiencing a weird mixture of emotions this year.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older and wiser, but underneath the sense of anticipation and excitement I find myself very contemplative.  I don't even know if it is something I can put into words, but I'm going to try.  Last weekend I got to go up north and see my dad's side of the family.  I was able to sit for hours at my grandparents' home, talking to my 90 and 91 year-old grandparents, my dad and my step-mom.  I got knitting advice from my grandma and one of my aunts.  I got to hear my grandpa be his goofy ol' self telling jokes at the dinner table.  I got to spend time with my cousin and her little girl.  I got to attend my aunt's retirement party honoring her 30-some years as a doctor in her hometown.  Each and every moment filled me with love for my family, and gratefulness for getting to share in so many activities that we so often take for granted as unimportant-- and make so many memories.  Sitting here, writing this, I'm actually getting teary-eyed.  I wouldn't give back those moments for anything!  I hope to have many more in the future, too.

This feeling that I'm trying to describe has something to do with the main reason I started this blog.  As always I feel a longing deep in my soul, for a baby.  Perhaps that is what causes me to be so contemplative and feel this season so deeply.  I can't help but think that the time may be drawing near -- I feel it in my heart.  It's scary, and exciting, and dumbfounding really.  I have nothing to base it on but my faith.  And, I thank God that I have such strong sense of faith.  I know He will provide the dreams of my heart to me in His time...and until then I just need to be patient and enjoy this wonderful life along the way!

Two weeks in...

Well, I'm two weeks farther on my goal to a better me.  I'm doing the 21 Day Fix, by Beachbody.  This program involves learning portion control and working out daily.  Each daily workout is approximately 30 minutes in length, and they vary day by day.  As of today I can say that I haven't missed a day.  I'm really proud of myself for this for several reasons.  I'll get to those later.  Pardon me as I bore you with the details of my workouts.  I'm trying to draw you a picture of what these entail, in case anyone out there is interested in taking a step on this journey with me (not trying to toot my own horn).

Monday:  Total Body Cardio - the name speaks for itself.  When I first started this exercise I thought I was going to die in the first minute.  Yes, you read that right.  The. First. Minute.  You see, there is an exercise called a "surrender."  Believe me when I will tell you that you will surrender to whatever power you believe in before you finish this exercise.  If you try this workout, I encourage you to just push through it (rather than completely surrender and quit)!  A surrender goes like this:  You begin in a standing position.  Drop your right knee to the ground, drop your left knee to the ground.  Stand up using your right knee (no hands!), come to a full stand by bringing your left knee up.  Repeat this for 60 seconds.  It may not sound difficult, but trust me when I tell you that you may find yourself making noises you didn't know your body had potential to make.  In addition to the surrenders, this workout has something "neat" that involves lying on your back holding your leg up with the toes turned outward (like frog legs really) and then doing crunches.  It truly is mortifying when people happen to walk in and see you...this I learned the hard way when I tried to work out in the living room one day.  No one was home...but then they got home, and here I was looking like a very damaged frog trying to do my stomach crunches.  You live, you learn I guess.

Tuesday:  Upper Body Fix - This workout involves using heavy and light weights.  YOU determine the weights that you start with.  All the instructor asks is that you don't stick to light weights once it gets "easy" for you.  Continue to push yourself through the workouts.  Now, although some people may consider the upper body to include the abdomen, I myself kind of think of the abdomen as "middle body."  Unfortunately for me, Beachbody considers the abs to be a part of the upper body (and every other stinking part of the body, because they work them in every workout)!  Circle crunches and scissor twists are the bastards of this workout.  I am happy to report to you that I can feel my workout for a couple days after, which means I'm doing them correctly.

Wednesday:  Lower Body Fix - Again, using weights, there are all kinds of exercises to help strengthen your lower body.  Surprise, this means your abs too!

Thursday:  Pilates - I looked forward to Pilates on the first week of my workout.  I had this image of what Pilates was like before I started.  Deep breathing, lengthening of muscles, peace, quiet, and relaxation.  I. Couldn't. Have. Been. More. Mistaken.  Yikes.  Don't get me wrong, Pilates does incorporate all of those things.  My mistake was thinking it was going to be easy.  Pilates has taught me a new appreciation for holding my body in somewhat strange positions, trying to control my breathing by breathing shallowly (and loudly) all the while hoping that no one in any other room of my house can hear me and thinks I'm having an asthma attack.

Friday:  Cardio Fix -  I have to say, honestly, that there is not any one thing that comes to mind to describe this workout.  It is a lot of moving around, heavy breathing, and I know my body is working.  Sorry to say there isn't anything too comical to share with this particular workout.

Saturday:  Dirty 30 -- This workout lives up to its name.  I have to say, each of these workouts really make me sweat.  I start each night in the basement with my yoga mat out, my weights, my water, my towel.  The window is closed.  I mean, it's October in Wisconsin, of course the window is closed.  By the time I'm done with my warm-up, I'm so warm that I open the window.  And that cool, pleasant breeze washes over my skin.  And five minutes later I find myself wishing we had a thousand windows.  Probably my least favorite exercise in this particular workout involves doing a side plank --think laying on your side, forearm on the ground.  You lift your body up so that your toes (or in my case your knees) are supporting you and the rest of your body is off the ground.  Then, you repeatedly lift your upper leg and bring it down.  With controlled movement.  Without wiggling your torso.  And continuing to breathe.  It looks something like this (but please, don't for even one second think that I have my other arm in the air):

Sunday:  Yoga - My favorite workout day.  Nothing like active recovery to let everything stretch out and feel better.  I have very little complaints about this workout, it is so relaxing and I feel awesome when I'm done.  I suppose I'm glad that no one ever walks in as I'm doing one of the many downward dog poses...having my butt sticking in the air is not the most self-confidence-boosting position, but oh well.

I'm happy to report that on my last weigh-in, I was down ten pounds from my last doctor visit.  I'm not sure where exactly this puts me with my goal to lose 25 lbs, because I had been down closer to where I am now when I started the last frozen embryo cycle.  Unfortunately, preparing your body for pregnancy and that period of waiting to find out if you're pregnant tend to take a toll on healthy eating and one's body.  So, I'm either 15lbs from my goal or I'm 23 lbs from my goal.  Either way, I'm making progress one day at a time!

The "Talk" With The Doc

Talked to the doctor today.  I informed him that Tony and I are going to wait a few months before we try this again.  We need to get balanced and relaxed.  We had a wonderful weekend and that was a good start.

Tony and I enjoying the beautiful outdoors at a retirement
party this weekend.

The doc and I also came up with a plan.  I'm going to continue eating well and resume my workouts - when I lose 25lbs I will call the doc and we will give our next round a go.  The doctor has absolutely no clue what the problem is.  According to him, the success rates are exactly the same with frozen as with fresh embryos.  The reason I was asking is that we have had two positive pregnancies with fresh cycles, and two failed frozen transfers.  He told me it was just plain luck.  Each transfer has a 50/50 chance of being successful.  We're sitting at exactly 50% right now.  That gives me hope that the next time we could be back in the positive range.  I hope so, anyway.  We also discussed whether or not we would be able to do another fresh IVF cycle if we run out of embryos, and got the complete go-ahead.  That was a relief!  He also apologized are going to be successful in this process.  That was reassuring, as I have the very same feeling.
for us having to go through this, and told me he had a feeling that we

So, tonight I did my Total Body Cardio workout from the 21 Day Fix program.  I've done this workout before so nothing was a complete surprise mentally, but physically my body was a little angry with me for springing this workout on it.  LOL.  My legs are protesting already, and I can tell that tomorrow I'm going to be awfully sore.  Hopefully I'll be able to walk! :)  Tomorrow I will do another workout (there are seven total, one for every day of the week).  I will do these workouts every day for the next 20 days.  In addition to that, Tony and I are starting the couch to 10K program.  Initially we started the couch to 5K program, but enjoyed it so much that we're switching it up so that we have a fourteen week program instead of a nine week program to challenge us.  The best part is that we're doing it together.

Speaking of together, I just have to tell you how much I love my husband.  Not only is he my best friend, but he is my biggest supporter.  Though three years is such a short time to be married to someone (it feels longer at times ;)), I know without a doubt that all of our struggles have made us a stronger unit.  We are, in fact, united.  As much as all this infertility stuff is frustrating, exciting, painful, disappointing and anxiety-inducing all in one, it has brought us closer together.  For many couples dealing with infertility the stress can cause problems.  I know that the lesson for me in this is that I have gained the knowledge that our marriage is strong and will continue to be strong through any trials we may face.  There is no question that we want a baby, and somehow we will have a baby...someday.  I'm just so grateful that I have someone by my side who I enjoy as much as I do.  We make a great pair, and will be just fine until that baby happens.

What's in a number?

What's in a number?  That depends what the number means to you.  In our case, we find ourselves forced to wait for a very important number.  To us, the number means pregnant or not pregnant.  How can one little number hold so much power over us?  Every time I go in for this blood test after waiting 9 days (or 14 when it's a fresh cycle), I pray for peace and strength.  I acknowledge that Heavenly Father is in control.  I didn't cry today when I sat in the chair as I have previous times.  I was able to joke with the phlebotomist as she took my blood.  I was sending positive juju to that tube the entire time.  What's in a number?  This time, for us, not pregnant.  And it sucks.

Here we go again...

Transfer today went well.  It was completely uneventful -- unless of course you consider the fact that we took one of our live embryos and gave it a new home!  In all honesty, there wasn't a whole lot of excitement beyond the normal anticipation of this kind of event.  Most people probably don't even know what that feels like.  For us, it is becoming almost too routine.

We had to wait a little while before the doc came in, but once she did we were off and rolling.  The embryo was a Grade A embryo, and had already begun the thawing process.  It hadn't yet quite filled the cellular space of the entire circle, but they said it was totally viable and thawing nicely.  I find that encouraging, but they said that last time too.  Please don't think I'm downplaying what we did today, it really was very special.  It is very special every time.  And as special as it is, I hope this is our last time before we become parents to a beautiful baby.

This time I did remember to do something that I forgot to do last time.  I bought a pineapple.  Many of you may be wondering at the significance of this, so let me explain it to you.  Apparently there is an enzyme in pineapple, bromelain, that can help with implantation of an embryo.  The fertility instructions I've read indicate that you are to cut an inch off both the top and bottom of a pineapple (and take the skin off, of course).  Then you cut the remaining chunk into five equal pieces.  You eat one piece a day, starting the day of the transfer.  It is supposed to make the uterine lining stickier.  All my doctors and my acupuncturist have heard of this, and though they don't know of any science to back it up, they do agree that there is nothing harmful in trying this.  On our last transfer, I completely forgot about the pineapple until four days post-transfer.  We all know how that ended.  So, for now I'm going to tell myself this will help, and I'm going to believe this baby into being.

So now, the wait is on.  We will find out whether this worked on October 9.  I can't write much more tonight because I have a Microbiology lab report due tomorrow, as well as a Microbiology exam tomorrow.  I really should be studying.  I took a Nutrition exam today, and therefore haven't done nearly enough studying for Microbiology yet.  After tomorrow we don't have a lot on our schedule for awhile, so the wait will probably be on our minds.  These ten days can't pass quickly enough!  Alright...going to hit the books!

On to the next transfer...

I'm so sorry to have neglected to update this sooner.  Monday was an extremely busy day, and somehow Tuesday just disappeared!  We went in for our ultrasound yesterday -- although it feels like it was Monday.  Sheesh.  Everything looks good, and my uterine lining has developed adequately.  The doc had me start my progesterone medication, and I am also continuing to take the estrogen-based medication.

Our transfer has been scheduled for Monday, September 29, 2014 at 10:30 a.m.  We are so excited, but a little bit nervous too.  It's hard to describe the things that go through your mind each time you do this.  This will be our fourth transfer.  We've now done two "fresh" and this will be our second "frozen."  As the photo here suggests, we have more chances and just need to stay cool.

We have elected to go with one embryo this round.  When we did our second transfer and had six embryos remaining, it seemed like we had an ample supply.  Who would have thought that we would now be down to only four?  We don't want to speed through them, and this is part of our way of taking this a little more slowly.  I am doing certain things to improve my health even more so that I might be better equipped to have a healthy pregnancy -- and one that produces our long-awaited baby.  I am not going to lie -- the shock and grief of getting two "nos" instead of yeses last time also played a role.  Your chances are always 50-50, and we've decided that one is the way to go this time.

When we went into the doctor yesterday, I also had my vitamin D levels re-tested.  I'm happy to report that they've risen into the "normal" range, and I am continuing to take my vitamin D every morning.  Interestingly enough, in case you didn't know, you are supposed to take this pill with calcium every day to assist in its absorption.  It was written on the note from my doctor, but it took me a couple of days to sit down and read that (after I'd started taking the medication, of course)!  Who knew?

Alright -- I'm off to complete a discussion for my online class (before midnight -- I have two and a half hours, better get on that), and study for a quiz that I hope to ace tomorrow.  Thanks for being here, thanks for reading, and as always thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Moving Forward

Tony and I have decided to move forward with our next transfer.  I have already begun taking the required estrogen in order to do this.  My mid-cycle ultrasound is scheduled for September 23.  It will not be too long after that the transfer will take place.  We have decided to go back to the "singleton" route, and will only be transferring one embryo.  Although some may think the odds are increased in doing two (this is what we initially thought and believed even after the doctors told us otherwise, the percentage of success is still 50%.  So, we'd rather not potentially waste two embryos at once.

We are slowly recovering from our most recent disappointment with our two embryos.  I realize I have been absent here, and I apologize.  With school starting, working, and grieving I needed a little time.  There are still times when it hits me that "I can't believe we have to do this again."  But, then my faith is restored.  Those moments are becoming fewer and have more space between them.  Tony appears to have bounced back as well.  For those of you who do not know, Tony has bipolar disorder.  We have to be careful with anything involving high highs or low lows.  Losing our two embryos so quickly after losing Shadow really hit him hard.  And, as can happen with bipolar disorder, after the low he had some symptoms that indicated a manic episode might have been on the way.  I am happy to say that due to his diligence in taking his medication and his openness about what he experiences on a daily basis, we appear to be back at normal.  I am so proud of the way he chooses to let his doctor (and me) in when he's feeling something that isn't quite right.

As always, we ask for your prayers and positivity as we continue this journey we have before us.  There is nothing painful about what I have to do -- I'm grateful there are no injections, and really I have very few yucky side effects when taking this medication.  The only thing I've noticed is that I cry at the drop of a hat, but honestly that seems to happen even when I'm not taking medication.  I'm just an emotional gal!  I believe with all my heart that God has a plan for us and I know deep down that it includes children, so I'm going into this with not much worry but a lot of anticipation.  And I am so l
ooking forward to taking you along on this continuation of our journey as we go!

Test results

Not good news.  Not pregnant.  My HCG was less than 0.2.  It needs to be above 5 to be considered pregnant. I will update as we figure out what our next steps will be.

And we're off...

It is 6:32 a.m. and we are on our way to get my blood drawn.  Requesting prayers and positive thoughts!  I will update as soon as I hear anything!

The Countdown is On!

Happy Labor Day!  For the first time in many years, I labored on labor day.  I spent some of my day working today at Sendik's, and I quite enjoyed myself as I often do there.  Although, I did embarrass myself several times with silly stupid mistakes.  I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that I'm operating with a foggy, pregnant brain -- that's my excuse for these silly episodes.  Some happened privately (thank goodness), while others were witnessed by my customers and fellow employees.  Let me give you some examples:  

First, our bathroom has an automatic soap dispenser attached to the granite countertop.  This soap dispenser has been empty since I began working at Sendik's, and there is a bottle of regular hand soap on the counter.  EVERY SINGLE TIME I went into the bathroom today (which was more than usual -- hopefully another good sign), I told myself (yes, out loud even) "Rachel, do not try to use the automatic soap dispenser, it is out of soap."  And then, as I was getting my hands wet with water I'd find myself daydreaming, looking in the mirror and, yep you got it, waiting with my hands under the automatic soap dispenser that I just reminded myself was out of soap.  Sigh.  I also had many problems making change for people today.  Well, actually, I made their change just fine, but then I would second-guess myself and go back and forth about whether or not I gave them the correct change.  Truly difficult to explain adequately, but just know this -- I was not myself.

I am happy to report that my headache has subsided.  For the first time in a long time I am quite relaxed on the eve of school beginning.  If I rewind a year, two, heck even ten, I've always been a nervous ball of energy the day before the school year started.  In fact, there were several years I broke out in hives.  I am SO thankful that I came up with a plan to let me pursue my dream of becoming a nurse.  I'm not going to lie, it hit me harder than I thought it would when there were teacher inservices going on last week and I wasn't there.  But, I also know that because my stress level is so decreased from not being there that this pregnancy has a way better shot at becoming our reality.  So, as hard as it is to know I won't be walking down MSL's halls tomorrow, I will be forging my new path and attending my first class as a full-time student at UW-Milwaukee.  

Some of you may be wondering if I'm experiencing any symptoms.  That is such a difficult question to answer.  The doctors still have me taking estrogen and progesterone, which means that what I'm feeling could just be medication...or it could be something more.  I started both of these medications awhile before the transfer, so in my mind any of the symptoms I'm experiencing should have shown up then, right?  Well, I have some new ones to add since Wednesday.  Besides the headaches, I have heartburn.  Heartburn that is bad enough to wake me up in the middle of the night.  I've taken to packing tums into my pockets before I go to work, I have some in the car, and I also have a baggie full of them next to my bed.  I have increased the amount of water I'm drinking, so excessive urination is probably a result of that (although I do get up 2, 3, sometimes 4 times a night).  My sense of smell has greatly improved.  Yesterday, as Tony and I were watching a movie in our bedroom (The Other Woman -- I highly recommend it), I had to stop the movie for him to go check the cats' litter box...that was three closed doors away from me in a completely separate room.  I've also had some twinges and cramps, which is all very normal.  We are anxiously looking forward to Friday, and thank you all in advanced for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.  Thanks so much for coming along on this journey with us -- we couldn't have done it without such support along the way!

1 Day Post-Transfer

Yesterday's embryo transfer went well!  Things went very smoothly, and it all happened quite quickly.  We got to see our two embryos side by side under a microscope prior to the procedure.  They hadn't fully expanded yet, so they look a little bit different from those we've seen in the past.  You can see the outer ring that is the edge of the cell -- the pieces inside were more compact once frozen.  Pretty neat science stuff!  I will post the photo below, please don't check it out unless you want to.  Nothing too icky -- just cells like in a science textbook!

Luckily for me, the doc was right on time this time.  Sitting with a full bladder can be uncomfortable, although I did better this time at drinking a smaller amount.  I wasn't too miserable.

Once the two embryos were together in the petri dish under the microscope, they were not parted again.  We were able to see them "land" right where they were supposed to in the uterus (using an ultrasound), it was pretty neat.  We had not been able to see this on any of our prior transfers (at least we don't remember it -- it is possible that no one pointed it out).  The entire thing took less than five minutes once everything was situated.  Amazing that such a quick, small step in such a long process can have such an effect on the outcome.

When I went in yesterday I had a slight headache and was a little congested, which I contributed to allergies.  As we left, my headache had gotten quite a bit worse, but I still wasn't giving it the attention it probably deserved.  We came home, I crashed and tried to nap -- only to wake up nearly in tears because the pain in my head was so excruciating.  I debated going in to the emergency room, but didn't want to risk anything with the transfer.  So, I took some tylenol and put Tony to work giving me a head, neck and shoulder massage.  Once the medication kicked in I felt good enough that a trip to see a doctor was no longer necessary.  As of now, more than 24 hours later, it's still not entirely gone.  I took two doses of tylenol yesterday, but haven't had any yet today.  It's very dull and I'm hoping it continues to get better on its own.  When I was eating dinner this evening my left cheek was hurting above my teeth, which I suppose is affirmation that this might be something sinus-related.  I'll have to wait and see how things go!

So now what?  We wait.  How long?  Ten days.  I go in for my first blood test on September 5, which cannot come soon enough!  In the meantime I continue the medications that the doctors have me on to help support this/these pregnancy/pregnancies!  It's really difficult to imagine it could be two, seriously.  But, we have to be realistic...it could be two.  I begin my fall semester on Tuesday September 2, and will be taking five classes (13 credits) while also continuing to work at Sendik's Bayside.


EMBRYO PHOTO***EMBRYO PHOTO***EMBRYO PHOTO***EMBRYO PHOTO***

We have a date!

Just a quick update:  Our doctor appointment went well this morning, the uterine lining is developing as it should.  The date has been set for our embryo transfer.  Next Wednesday, August 27 at 2:00 p.m.  We will be transferring two embryos!

In the meantime, we are just enjoying life (with a little added relaxation now that Biochemistry is done)!

The End of Biochemistry!

The end of Biochemistry is in sight!  I hope to be able to write more frequently once I finish my final exam on Friday.  Woohoo!  In addition to the studying I've been trying to do, I've been working quite a few hours at Sendik's (Bayside, for anyone in the Milwaukee Area who'd like to come visit me -- it's on the corner of Port Washington and Brown Deer Roads), and trying to get my application for nursing clinical finalized in order to turn it in (also on Friday).

If accepted, I will begin my clinical training full-time in January.  I'm supposed to write about a time I had to work as part of a team.  I am to describe my role on the team and any challenges I faced.  I feel like this should be an easy thing to do.  It is proving quite difficult.  In the world of education, it seems collaborating is so much of what we do -- I find it nearly impossible to pick just one scenario.  Also, there were many projects that I was in charge of with students -- but I think that put me more in the role of leader/facilitator, and I think the committee would prefer that I speak of a team of my peers.  It has occurred to me that I could also draw on my experience as and EMT, which might be more applicable in this situation.  So...if any of you out there worked with me as a part of your team on ANYTHING and would like to throw out a suggestion to trigger my memory, I'd be eternally grateful.  Right now everything is kind of lumped together and I just don't know where to begin!

Finally, some fertility news (don't get too excited, it's not much)!  We went in earlier this week for the baseline ultrasound.  Everything looked good, and we're still on track to do the frozen embryo transfer at the end of this month (yippee!).  I am currently taking Estradiol in varying amounts per the doctors orders.  This is supposed to mimic the body's natural preparations and should help with a positive implantation (or implantations?!) come time for the transfer.  I haven't let it sink in that we could end up with multiples quite yet -- whoever we get will be who we were meant to get!  Next ultrasound is scheduled for next week Wednesday...

Hope you are enjoying the week -- we're loving the weather today!

Good news

I received notification yesterday that all of the recurrent pregnancy loss test came back negative.  Although this does not answer the question of why I miscarried twice, it does give is great hope for the future in that there is no definitive reason for these miscarriages thus far.  So, what does this mean?  It means I tested negative for clotting factors that, had they been positive, would have indicated that my body was preventing pregnancy.  They also tested for four autoimmune disorders, including lupus, and I was negative for all four.  

We are waiting for day one of my next cycle, which should be happening any day now.  I will start the estradiol medication on day one, and will go in shortly after that for a baseline ultrasound.  Our frozen embryo transfer cycle is about to take off!

What a tough day...

This will be short -- I'm exhausted.  We were able to get an appointment to take Shadow in to the vet this morning at 10:30.  I was a blubbering mess most of the night as well as through the morning.  Shadow and I stayed up extra late and played ball in the dark -- she loved it!  And, she got to spend the night cuddling with Tony and I in our bed.  It was a great last night for her.  I got to talk to her, pet her, snuggle with her, and tell her all the things on my heart.  She was so sweet and loving, and ironically we saw none of the behaviors that were signs of her growing illness.  It. Was. Perfect.  Tony and I were with her the entire time, and I was looking into her eyes and scratching her ears the whole time.  I felt at peace as she slipped into her final sleep, and know that she's happy romping around playing ball in Heaven now -- watching over our babies until they can come here to meet us.  She will always have a special place in our hearts, but we feel so much better knowing she is no longer suffering and will no longer be a danger to anyone.  She was loved every single day of her life, and I know she knows how much we adored her and will miss her.  The photo here was taken this morning as she did one of here favorite things -- rip up her toys!  We still have some adjusting and grieving to do -- seeing her empty crate continues to tug at my heartstrings, but I do not have the strength to take it down just yet.  When I took a nap this afternoon, I dreamt of my sweet girl, and I'm hoping it happens again real soon.  I know, somehow, she's out there watching over us -- as I was standing outside when we returned from the vet, looking up at the sky and praying, I caught a glimpse of a cloud that looked just like her face, with her tongue lolling out.  It left me with such an incredible sense of peace, for I know that's exactly how she's feeling -- at peace.

Goodbyes are the worst

Well, some of my test results are in.  The good news is there's nothing too out of whack.  I haven't received any information from the recurrent pregnancy loss panel, which includes several autoimmune disorders, but so far all I have to do is take some vitamin D.  It's still a "go" to proceed with the frozen embryo transfer.

On another note, we've made a very difficult decision today.  It looks like tomorrow we'll be saying goodbye to our Shadow-girl.  We got Shadow when she was just six-weeks old and looked like this:

While she was still very young, Shadow started showing signs of extreme fear.  We later learned from the vet and more than three trainers that she suffered from what they thought was fear-aggression.  Unfortunately, as she gets older she appears to be worsening.  We have spent countless hours in training with Shadow trying to build her confidence.  We have spent many, many dollars trying to get her the help she needs.  Certain things seem to help -- and then somehow we end up back at square one.  Shadow has started attacking our other dog out of t
he blue.  She is also growing more and more aggressive with us.  The vet seems to think she may be suffering from some sort of a tumor, but there is really no way to tell since the tests would run us about $1000 and there's not much they can do for her even if that is what they found.  I've known this was coming for a long time.  I put off making any decision while I was pregnant because I felt like I was too emotional.  I'm realizing now that I'm never going to be un-emotional when it comes to saying goodbye to this precious best friend of mine.  She will always have a special place in my heart.  I wish with all of my being that we could re-home her -- but honestly, if I felt there were any hope for any kind of rehabilitation she would never be leaving this home in the first place.

So, tonight is a little tribute to this bounding baby who came along and stole my heart, gives the best snuggles, and always knows how to make me smile.  Always in my heart, Shadow girl!

Doctor Visit

Tony and I had a great visit at the doctor today.  We didn't get a whole lot in the way of answers, but we do have a plan.  The doctor made some suggestions as to things we could test in an attempt to figure out why I have experienced two miscarriages.  I had a LOT of blood drawn.  They did a recurrent pregnancy loss panel, which tests for several autoimmune diseases (lupus was one I heard mentioned).  They also wanted to test for my vitamin D levels, and a bunch of other stuff.  The doctor did suggest doing karyotype testing, which is the genetic testing of the chromosomes that I mentioned in my previous post.  We declined for today, as we weren't sure whether or not my insurance covers that one and it is quite expensive.  

We did get the "go ahead" to proceed with our frozen embryo transfer.  We also discussed with the doctor that we would like to transfer two the next time.  I will be done taking birth control on Sunday.  Once I get a period, I start the estradiol on day 1, go in for a baseline ultrasound and on we go!

Follow-up

We're off to meet with the doctor today for our follow-up appointment.  I apologize for my absence lately, life has been crazy-busy and school has been kicking my butt.  When I spoke to the nurse as I was making the appointment for today she had a few pointers for me as to what the doctor may suggest today.  There are two blood tests that we can have done to see if there is a definitive cause as to why I have had two miscarriages in a row.  The first would be a blood test panel that looks for different clotting disorders that can prevent a positive outcome to a pregnancy.  It is my understanding that if this were the case there are measures we can take to help the situation that would result in an actual baby.  The second would be to do genetic testing to see whether there is something in one of our genes that is preventing our embryos from growing past a certain stage.  She explained that we each have 23 pairs of chromosomes (46 total), and if even one tiny part of one of those switched places with another it could affect the outcome of a pregnancy.  I'm not sure what our course of action would be if that were the case.  We have a total of six embryos left, and several of them are from our donor which would leave us with a sliver of hope that those could potentially work.

In the meantime I have been on a strict portion-control lifestyle change, and have been working out everyday.  I feel better about myself and have made up my mind that I'm going to stick with this.  In my heart I believe this will help us find the ending we are so longing for.

I'm starting a new job this evening at a local food market, but will update on our doctor visit when I can!  Thank you all for your continued love and support!

Things are looking up!

We had a miscarriage.  It was confirmed on Monday -- my hCG was at 0.6, a negative pregnancy result.  Even though that was the case, for some reason we processed this news much better this time than we did last summer.  Perhaps it is because last year's "event" was long and drawn out over many weeks of blood testing every 48 hours.   This time, I feel like I grieved "hard and fast," and had no choice but to be busy with my classes (oh, Biochemistry, we don't have the best relationship).  I made the choice to focus on the future and it seems to be working well so far.

When the nurse called on Monday, she surprised me with a prescription for birth control.  This means I have already begun my prep cycle for the frozen embryo transfer.  I also found out (when I filled the prescription) that I still have health insurance -- another bonus!  Looks like that may continue into August.  And, we will hopefully be doing the frozen embryo transfer in August as well.  We couldn't be more thrilled with this news -- we were told initially that we'd have to wait an additional month before beginning this prep cycle.  I didn't question it, we just went with it!  Tony and I are both doing well, we just got back from a quick family trip to Wisconsin Dells with his mom, brother, sister, two nieces and nephew.  We had a wonderful time, but are exhausted!  We hope to recover as the weekend begins.  I have my second exam in Biochemistry tomorrow, so I should sign off now and get back to studying.

Before I go, I will continue with my "31 Days of Blogging Challenge" and leave you with a photo that is my current favorite of myself (that was the day 3 challenge).  I chose this photo because even though my hair is a mess and Tony isn't smiling, we are surviving.  We have grieved, but we remain a strong pair.  I am so grateful that I can allow myself to smile and enjoy the little things in life, regardless of what "big things" we are going through.  As always, thanks for your love, prayers and support!

Day 2 of the 31 Days of Blogging Challenge

These are in no particular order:

1.  Being in love with, and spending time with my husband
2.  Curling up with a good book
3.  Getting to wake up whenever my body feels it is ready (ie no alarm)
4.  Having such loving and supportive family and friends
5.  Photography
6.  Taking steps to make this career change
7.  Being faithful, showing my faith, going to church
8.  Dancing (while singing)
9.  Holding babies
10.  Being strong enough to see the positive in rough situations

31 Days of Blogging Challenge

To begin I am supposed to write the story of my life in 250 words or less.  Tricky.  If you're counting my words, start after the colon!  

Here goes:

I was born in Dayton, OH.  I am adopted. I attended elementary school at Elm Creative Arts School, in Milwaukee.  It was there I found my passion for the arts, as well as dear friends and so many wonderful teachers to inspire me to love learning.  In middle school, I moved to Poynette, WI to live with my dad and step-mom.  I stayed in Poynette through high school.  I graduated in 1998 and went on to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison.  I taught high school Spanish from 2003-2014.  My most recent stint was at Milwaukee School of Languages.  Teaching is rewarding, and teaching is stressful.  In an attempt to reduce my stress level, and to try to start a family, I resigned from teaching this past June.  I am currently enrolled at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee as a full-time nursing student.

I met the love of my life on eHarmony in June 2009.  We were married 6.17.11, and I couldn’t ask for someone more supportive or loving to be by my side.  In all, I would say my life story includes me doing my best with every step I take.  I have made mistakes, I have learned from them, and I have very few regrets.  Some of the hardest experiences of my life have allowed me to grow in the most positive of ways.  And all of those experiences drove me to rely more and more on my faith – it is certainly a cornerstone in the foundation of my life.

The Wait

I'm feeling okay, extremely crampy, but okay.  I had a long day at school today and had to fight myself not to lie down on the floor and curl myself into a little ball, but I made it.

Around 2:45 p.m. I received a call from one of the nurses at our doctor's office.  We had a nice chat, and I was able to learn some more information about our upcoming wait.

First, I have to wait for "this" to pass.  I have to wait for my hCG level to reach zero.  She said that, according to my symptoms, she expects the number to reflect a negative pregnancy test when I go in on Monday.  I can only hope and pray she is right.  Please don't misunderstand me.  If I thought we had any chance of saving this pregnancy I would be all over that chance.  But, I'm 99% convinced it is indeed a loss.  What I would like to avoid is what we went through last summer; I do not want to go in for blood tests every 48 hours and continue to do so for several weeks while we wait for the number to drop.  I would like a clean break of it so we can focus on what needs to happen next.

You may find yourself asking "and what does need to happen next?"  After "this" is done, we wait for the next cycle to start.  once it does, I can begin taking birth control again to quiet my ovaries.  That will last for three weeks.  After that, we should be okay to begin whatever the treatment will be to prepare the uterus for the next embryo transfer, which will be completed with at least one (I'm back to leaning towards doing two after this experience) of our frozen embryos.

In other news, I applied for several jobs today.  I've decided I need to start now in trying to make sure we're financially ready to take this next step in our journey.  I'm completely unaccustomed to not having employer-provided insurance...and let me tell you -- when it sinks in that you no longer have it, it's kind of freaky.  I would most like to be hired at Trader Joe's, a grocery store.  They offer benefits, even to their part-time employees.  They also treat their employees very well and have a more "small town" feel than many of the big chain grocery stores.  I also applied at Sendik's, another food market in the Milwaukee Area.  I will also be applying at Outpost Natural Foods.  Are you noticing a  trend here?  One of the many jobs I held when I was younger (and not a professional yet) was as a cashier in a grocery store.  It was one of my most favorite jobs ever.  I loved getting to chat with people when they came through the line.  I'm not gonna lie, I also loved working the cash register (yes, I'm a geek)!  I decided that if I'm going to work, I might as well do something I enjoy that will have flexible hours that can work around my school schedule.  It wouldn't hurt either to have a place to buy groceries where I have the potential to receive a discount.  We'll have to wait and see where this goes!

I've been looking into doing a 31 day blog challenge.  I think it might be a good way to give me ideas on what to blog about without dwelling on our recent loss.  It's going to be more than 31 days until I have any real news anyway, so if you see the blog challenge show up in my posts, you know why!

The Day After

What does life look like the day after your doctor tells you that the pregnancy you were so excited about is about to end in a miscarriage?   For us it looks something like this:

Wake up at 6:45 a.m., together.  Brush your teeth, decide you don't have the energy to shower.  If you're Rachel, you throw on yoga pants and a t-shirt for class.  For Tony it's shorts, a t-shirt and tennis shoes.  Fill your water bottles.  Make sure you have your bag with all your materials in it, you're going to need them today.  Drive in a heavy silence to the UWM campus.  One of you might be quiet, listening to music and thinking.  The other is also thinking, but with tears running down her face.  You try to talk to each other, but what words are enough to tell your partner you know they are hurting too and you are there for them?  The morning ride passes in a blur.  You feel crampy and all-around icky as you get nearer and nearer to campus.  There is some hand holding.  Finally, you reach campus and park.  You've gotten to class almost forty minutes early.  You turn to each other, and everything clicks into place.  You are going to be okay, both of you.  And the reason you're going to be okay is because you have each other.

You kiss each other goodbye, tell each other "I love you."  You get out of the car and put one foot in front of the next.  Keep doing this, this is what is going to get you through today, and tomorrow, and the next day after that.  You go to lecture, try to read the current chapter in order to prepare for the day's quiz.  The lecture begins and your professor makes no sense.  You scramble to copy the notes, becoming more and more confused and frustrated by the second.  You start to cry.  In the middle of a lecture with at least fifty people in it, you start to cry.  You manage to gather your thoughts and keep the crying to a minimum.  You take a quiz.  You may have bombed the quiz, you really don't know (or care).  Class is released early, and you go upstairs to wait for lab.

The guy you're supposed to meet with for lab today isn't in his office.  You go downstairs to meet with the second check-in person.  They aren't in their office either.  You debate going to regular lab, because hey, your doctor says you're miscarrying anyway.  Maybe it would be better to just get that transition over with.  Then again, when you enter the lab and try to explain to the teaching assistant why you're there you begin to cry again.  Better to just drop off your lab from last week and go sit in the hall.  Finally, about five minutes past the start time of lab, the guy you're waiting for turns up.  You manage to stumble through all the lab questions, only encountering a few moments of awkward silence in which the air is heavy with knowledge that the likelihood of this pregnancy ending in a positive manner is slim to none.  Neither of you know what to say, and the moments pass.

Now it's 12:00.  You have discussion at 12:30.  You go outside for some fresh air, only to find it's rather chilly.  You sit out there as long as you can with goosebumps riddling your arms and legs...and then you get hit with a big, fat raindrop.  You get up and go sit inside the classroom, waiting for discussion to begin.  You go over your exam and the discussion becomes quite heated as students argue with the teaching assistant over the grading system.  You join in here, and allow yourself to get quite vocal.  You now have an outlet for some of the emotions swirling around inside of you, and it feels awesome to feel something and not be crying.  There is no resolution to the argument, but it sure felt good to let off steam anyway.

Discussion ends at 1:20.  You go out to the car where your husband is waiting for you.  As you approach the car you realize your step is lighter, your movements not so heavy.  It is as you open the door to give him a big smile and a kiss that you realize your heart has mended since yesterday.  There are still broken pieces scattered all around, but it is put together enough that you can see a light at the end of this tunnel.  Your mind starts planning -- you have a burning desire to move forward with renewed faith and fervor.  What needs to be done in order to start the next cycle?

In the meantime your husband is quiet.  When you ask how he is doing, he says "alright, just down.  But that's normal."  And it hits you then how differently the two of you grieve.  You know yourself, and keeping yourself busy is the best thing for you.  He doesn't operate that way.  He watched some t.v., did some solo thinking, and went to the gym.  Again, you reach out to hold his hand.  You discuss what's for lunch.  Then you go home, snuggle with him and the dog, and watch a movie.

Life is okay -- not great, maybe not even good, but okay.  You have a sense of peace about the situation, along with a small seed of hope for the unknown that the future will bring.  And you know there's no one other than your husband with whom you'd prefer to end "the day after."